Hmmm I'm beginning to think the few no-location weird IP addresses that keep coming back are bots... that's a shame.

Anyway, I'm still getting pretty worried about how unbelievably angry I keep getting, although I'm not sure this week did much to help. I mean... well there's was the time when I finally managed to catch up with my friends, as opposed to the people I was rooming with, and mentioned more than a couple of times how awful it was being stuck with people who clearly didn't want me around, only to find that right after our next mass they disappeared off without me. I wouldn't have minded so much if Wino had offered so much as an apology when I saw them back at the hotel later that night, but instead I just got told that she'd texted me from the metro when they "realised" I wasn't there (NB that my phone had no signal the whole time we were in France and she knew this) and that I was over reacting. Cue anger.

Then there was the time I got put on an escalator at a metro station, which promptly turned out to be the wrong one. By the time I got to the top and back down again they'd left. So I was alone. In a big station. Trying to find my way back to England. In a country where I speak literally none of the language. And yet again this was just "not a big deal". I mean man alive am I just subhuman or are my friends really just a bunch of little shits?

I'm sick of being this twisted up, angry, ranty little person. This was never me. Always the organiser, always the comforter, always dying a little inside but never this angry. I think my 'Academic New Years' resolution is going to be to bottle this more. If I carry on this way I'll never have any friends at all. Although maybe that's a good thing - maybe I need to learn to just be me and suck it up. I'm sick of waiting to be validated by other people.

Back and angry

Well I'm back in the country. Feeling all the usual post-tour things. Except this year there's no need to look for a new choir because uh oh yeah I'm leaving.

Plenty to rile me up back here anyway. Not least of all the stupid stupid decision of the C of E to ordain women bishops without making any provision at all for the huge part of the church that believes this is not just misguided but wrong. I'll rant about this in full another time, but to put this in perspective 30 years ago there weren't so much as women deacons, yet alone priests. In 30 years 2000 years of tradition has been overturned - bit odd isn't it.

In typical OtherHalf style I've heard nothing, despite having been gone for 8 days but I'm kinda past the point where that worries me right now - odd, seeing as I screwed up my meds while I was away.

But anyway, full discussion of bishops, my time away, and the world in general to come shortly.

:O

I know my flatmate's results.
And I know he doesn't want to be told.
But I also know he wants to know.
But he's not here, and they'll take days to appear on line.
Oh man...

Everybody! IndieKid got a 2:1 in English!

Kinda hard to believe it's all over now. CrazyGuy and IndieKid are both gone. The flat is clean. I'm just waiting to leave. I've got my results, although they're both still waiting on there's.

I want to keep this going - need to put all my randomly collated advice somewhere. And odds and ends about looking for a professional house. And jobs. And life after... Applying for PhDs... Lots of stuff really.

Ho hum.

Feeling abandoned yet?

My lack of posting isn't due to a lack of life, it's mainly down to my computer being at my parents' house, and me uh not... I'm leaving the country on Wednesday (but will be back!) and all my stuff has gone home without me. Irritatingly my last, quite thoughtful, post appears to have disappeared! :O

So I guess I'll start with a rehashed version of that:

So the pass list is public? You mean anyone could see my degree result? But what if I did badly due to health problems?

Somewhere in the realms of student forums, a worried finalist panicked about her results. The response was candid:
Nobody's ever going to refer to you as BA Hons Lower Second Class: but her cat died on the day of her first exam.

It seems obvious - but I've begun wondering whether I don't do something very similar in the "real", non academic world. I talk about my past. A lot. My very twisted and messed up past. You may have noticed this. I had lunch with Ex about 10 days ago and had this pointed out to me. A big part of my personality involves talking about everything that came before now: the things that make me me.

But isn't it a similar kind of thing? I'm trying to justify who I am, by the circumstances that have caused it. If I'm messed up, I'm messed up. No matter what. It may help someone to know how to handle it if they know why I'm like this - but I still am. No excuses, no hiding. I'm off track, and it if hurts my relationships or my work... well knowing about the past doesn't really help does it?

Something to ponder...

Bloody Radio 1

To pass the monotonous hours while working we have the radio on, and because commerical radio gets so annoying with the adverts after the first hour or so (I don't really mind when in the car, but for an 8 hour stint it would be crucifying) and because we're young, we listen to Radio 1. To begin with I just found it a bit weird not knowing what's in the charts at the moment, although I quickly picked it up because (apart from 2 days - yesterday, and the Monday after Download Festival finished) they only play what's in the charts.

Anyway Chris Moyles really annoys me, but he's only on for the first hour of work so we kinda cope with it. But as of yesterday the whole bloody thing annoys me. For two reasons:

1. Despite having a separate celebrity news slot in which they could discuss this at their leisure "Amy Winehouse has a tiny bit of emphysema because she smoked too much crack" took headline billing throughout the day over the top of say "Opposition withdraw from Zimbabwean elections" or "Bodies of British troops killed in Afghanistan flown home". It's ridiculous!
2. The only mention of the three men killed in Afghanistan was when they said that the ceremony for Cpl Sarah Bryant was small, because the three men killed with her had been in special service, and they didn't want the men who carried their coffins to be identified. Jeez how must their families be feeling?

How bloody stupid are they?! This is the BBC - meant to be the heart of moderation and good sense in British Broadcasting. And they think that it will make sufficient difference to their listener stats to be Amy Winehouse top billing.... Man alive.... It scares me that they could be right :-S

"He lets you win pool. In front of his mates."

While staying at my best mate's last week, and while in that lazy just-got-out-of-the-shower-nobody's-at-home-cos-he's-at-work kinda place I started reading a rather tatty water stained magazine that his girlfriend must have left on the floor. Well... flicking through anyway. One of the articles was something like 30 ways to tell he secretly loves you - or similar bollocks. Said reasons included things like

• Letting a girl win a game of pool
• Letting her have the remote for one whole evening
• Wearing a flowery shirt she's given you

Now, call me crazy here, but none of those things smack to me of barely-suppressed ardor. What kind of couple actually care who wins pool (other than in a desperately wanting to beat each other kind of way). And whose mates would actually care if his girlfriend beat him? Most guys I know think it's ace if a girl can play pool - mixed doubles for the win!

Similarly, I don't know about you, but when me and OtherHalf watch the TV it tends to go along the lines of

"Fancy watching the telly?" "Sure what's on?" "Uh.... University Challenge or Midsummer Murders." "Yeah, stick university challenge on then."

Or

"Hey House is on - fancy watching it?" *nod nod*

There are few cases when we don't want to watch the same thing and we generally compromise. I can see the issue here if for instance sports are involved (but then who invites their girlfriend over when the footblal is on?! - and if she's there because she lives there then it's a little worrying if she doesn't already know he "loves" her - especially since the article doesn't seem to be talking about gonna get married and last forever love, but general "I fancy keeping you for a few years" love.) or if a girl wants to watch something... girly... I dunno - sex and the city or something. But if you're relationship is reduced to watching mindless telly that only one of you wants to see, then I don't reckon there's so much love happening anyway...

And as for the flowery shirt. Firstly, who the hell buys their man a flowery shirt. It's not the 80s, and if we assume that women have more taste than men (generally true) then it seems unlikely it'll happen. Most guys really don't care that much, and would probably wear the damn thing at least once or twice just to keep her smiling. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Get the feeling I'm displacing anxiety?

What just happened?

I have a first class degree. In a subject I love. In a subject I'm good at. In a subject I'd happily research for the next big bit of my life. So why the hell are my dreams suddenly collapsing around me?

I made the mistake about being impatient about my ever-absent tutor, and everybody else having their results and just wangled my way to getting them before he got back. Except now I know, and what I know is that they're completely different to how I expected and they're wrong in all the wrong ways.

In the best ways:

• I got 50/50 1sts and IIis
• The moderated-up 2nd year paper has changed by a bigger margin than the moderated down (+4.5 vs -2) so my 2nd year average is now 77.2
• The first horrible exam apparently got moderated so now I've got a 67 - not bad going eh?

Then there's the "should be amazing news, but isn't because of what other people have said"

• My viva got a 78 (would be incredible if they hadn't given me someone else's - a good friend's - results at the same time, and I didn't know she had got 87% - despite knowing that mine was clearer, and better written... she's just good at the arrogant confidence thing and I guess the research was better)
• My extended essay got a 73 (would have been awesome 10 days ago, but thanks to what my tutor said now I feel disapponted - with a 73?!)

The slightly disappointing news: My other finals got 67 67 69 78. The 78 is amazing although in completely the wrong module, but I'm a bit disappointed that both of my essay papers got 67s.

And the soul crushing awful news? My dissertation got a 63. Exactly what I predicted. The only one I accurately predicted. Which sounds fine... one module... not what I want to research... Til you realise that to get a PhD you get viva'd on your research project. And the uni send them your transcript. So not only will they know that I barely scraped a IIi on it - they'll be able to see for themselves and tell me how shit it is. Even if I still had a hope in hell I know full well I'd fall apart as soon as they started to tear it up.

Can't believe I'd screwed this up. Wish I'd waited for Dr T to get back so he could reassure me that all my dreams aren't over. Such an idiot.

Bike rage

This is kind of an odd time to be writing about this since, for the first time in weeks, I've got home with no road rage (bike rage!) at all, but just recently I've found myself getting disproportionately massively angry about everything. I've been hoping that this is down to a sort of adrenaline-building-up-to-results type thing, as it seems to have got worse not better since finals and I really can't cope.

I think I've considered blogging about my bike rage many times, but never actually got around to it so here's the summary.

• I get roughly equally annoyed at pedestrians, drivers and other cyclists, although recently it swings against pedestrians.
• One of the roads I have to go down is completley, unavoidably not pedestrianised and yet people choose to walk in the centre of the road rather than the perfectly servicable footpaths or even say the edges of the road.
• This is exacerbated recently by my bell breaking.
• I get irritated at people crossing roads without so much as looking - seriously, at 20mph I am more than capable of breaking both of our bones. Would you like to tell me what you plan to do if a car turns down this road?
• I get annoyed at drivers who open their door into the cycle lane
• I get annoyed at drivers who think the cycle lane is for overtaking people waiting to turn right
• I get annoyed at bus drivers who edge into the cycle lane and then swing their backs in
• I get annoyed at stupid cyclists doing ridiculous things who give us all bad names

I've always been slightly annoyed. I utter things like moron or idiot under my breath. But nowadays I fume. It's kinda scary actually. Seems to be gradually subsiding at last though!

So...

Well I still don't know about the results for individual papers, although those are due out hopefully by the end of the week. I'm still walking on air a bit really... it's just this big fat dream come true :)

It was kinda nice in a weird way to find my neroticism helping out one of my friends today. Mathmo had her first set of exams, which apparently went horrifically. When she initially told me how many questions she'd answered (on a paper where you do everything) it sounded quite bad too, although I'm less worried now I've sussed that she wrote odds and ends for parts of other questions. But still - after my first (horrific, awful, life destroying) exam I worked out that the difference between getting a 70 on that paper and a 30 (i.e. a pass) when the paper was worth 10% equated to a 4% difference in my degree class. I pointed this out to her today and after a good 30 mins of various people trying to console her that was the point where she finally stopped violently shaking. It's ok hun, if you were on for a 1st before, then right now you've got a 66... You're not gonna get a 2:2, and you are still going to be employable.

It's a little weird just how overprotective of her I felt. I've been saying that the biggest reason I wanted a 1st was because otherwise I'd hold this silent eternal grudge against her for stopping me working. But on the night after my results came in I had a big angry rant at OtherHalf about her, in which I'll admit some of my language was fairly blue. I still don't understand how someone who's meant to be my friend could fuck me over like that.

But when the chips were down... didn't care anymore. Just wanted to make sure she was better. Friendship is a funny thing...

RESULTS!!

I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!!

Still completely walking on air... will give a full recount later... individual paper marks, my overall mark and my rank in the year not out til next week, though.

(Record number of 1sts this year so don't hate me too much!!)

I'M SO PROUD OF ME!!!! :-D

Apparently the results might not be released today. How can they not know?!?!!?!?!??! Am still on tenterhooks....

Gah

I was all fine. I was all happy. I knew I was going to get a 2:1.

And then my tutor, who had to mark the same essay I submitted as a piece of coursework because I'd entered it for a prize, told me that he'd marked it at a 79. A WTF?! Yeah, a 79. Firstly, this is 10% higher than my best case scenario guess - meaning that potentially I'm now capable of 71.2 not 70.2. Additionally it means that my judgement is completely flawed.

Now I don't know what I'm getting. Now I'm hoping again. Fantasising even.

This is not healthy!

A brief update

Apologies for the radio silence - since I got back I've been doing this work I talked about, and rehearsing, and playing in concerts and socialising... Seeing as I don't have internet access where I work (yes, I have an afternoon off) I'm only checking my email once a day - for me this is immense.

Anyhoo... much to write about but very little time, so it will come in installments. However, the department have said that they hope to release our results tomorrow. So watch this space for the incoming 2:1

In other news the weather today (and the last couple of days, but mainly today) has been weird. As I was cycling to work I came through the city, and there's this big gothic church. Behind me was broad sunshine, but I was cycling west into the big grey and purple thunder clouds. The effect was that the church was lit up in the front, but backed by swirling dark mist. It was quite epic - no artist would dare to paint that and call it realistic.

Anyway, as mentioned, installments to come!

Feeling like Eeyore

I hate being stuck at home on a Friday night. Home home I mean. Uni home isn't so bad.

Everybody else is out. Everybody still at uni. Everybody who's parents didn't move to the middle of the countryside where they know nobody. Everyone is celebrating or partying. And I'm stuck here. Alone.

Can't stand music practice anymore. I've got so bad I just can't face it. Shame with a concert on Tuesday. No more letters to write. No more housework to do. Barely 30 pages of my last book left. Nobody to call - they're all out. Nothing on TV to watch. Too dark now to go walking. Nothing left to do on the internet. Just feel like a bit of a loser really, nothing but me and my computer.

The really pathetic thing is that I'm not having any real emotion: just boredom and lethargy and frustrating. Nothing worth writing about. Back when I was bitter and twisted and angry and self-loathing and I had soul then I could write. I wrote dark, twisty, horrible things that yanked on the heart strings and called out to people. Things that still call out to me now. Now I'm nice and sensible and I only feel that way when I'm drunk - too drunk to play the guitar really. I write about sadness and it has no soul in it; I write about love and it sounds cheesy. So now I don't write. One of my biggest joys and I sacrificed it with some pills for the sake of being normal. Maybe if and when things end with OtherHalf I'll come off the pills and get my soul back. Drink a bit, cut a bit, get a little messed up and write things to make the blood run cold.

Not long til results now. Less than 10 days. Feel a little sick. It's stupid. We all know I fucked up, we all know I didn't fuck up so bad I won't get a 2:1. All that's left is a matter of pride, and they don't even release the exact marks for 2 weeks - just the initial class list. Still makes me sweat a little to think about it.

I'm going mad here. Can't stand to be at "home". It's not my home, it's never been home. It's suffocating. Just a few more days. A few more days and I can go back to uni.

Fat-Bottomed Girls

So I'm standing in WHSmith and they have racks of magazines, birthday cards and so on as you go round the labyrinth to get to the checkout, presumably with the idea that you might say Oh yes, half price Haribo, THAT'S what I came into the stationery store for! Anyway I happened to glance at the girly magazines to pass the time and there were two making a point about certain very skinny celebs. One of them was running a story on Girls Aloud, and the other had one of the same photos plus photos of somebody else, I forget who. Anyway they're really laying into these (admittedly unhealthily looking-) skinny girls and I'm just thinking about the whole teenage girl psyche of must-lose-weight.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that we all have our body hangups - regardless of age, or gender, or actual physical appearance. We'd all like to be a bit thinner, a bit better toned and so on. But it does tend to be the teenage girl and young woman demographic who not only want to be slimmer, but want to be unnaturally slim. I find this especially odd seeing as I don't know any men who support the stereotype. I suppose the age at which it begins is one where girls are less likely to have platonic male friends, or even male friends that they fancy who are sufficiently willing to make comments about not liking uber-skinny girls.

However, as I moved around the queue-snake I saw another magazine. One which made a big deal about so-and-so has lost a stone and a half; and look at this great new diet; and you could lose a stone by summer... For all the effort that the world is going to to try and undo the media's effect so far, I really wish that a minority of magazines and programmes wouldn't continue to mess with girls' heads.

*Clench*

People on the tube irritate me so much. Trains irritate me so much!

I'll admit there's a sweet nostalgia in the cross-London dash. It reminds me of sixth form when Phil and I would regularly go on our barrier-jumping way (often because we could rather than anything ticket-related) with suitcases full of food from our parents on the other side of the city - who apparently, having fairly well deserted us and left us to our own devices to do A-levels were more willing to give us something tangible than the money to buy it ourselves. Slightly ironic seeing as neither of us did drugs, he didn't drink and I barely did; and had we had the money to ourselves it would have gone a dang sight further!

But nostalgia aside, people on the tube really get under my skin. People who get on to the Circle Line at Paddington (for those not in the know, even in non-rush hour this means the train will get very full having been previously empty) and decide that - due to politeness or fear or whatever other excuse - that they will refuse to sit in adjacent seats to those already seated. Now this seems quite reasonable until you realise that:

* Those people who get onto the train first are those who are relatively mobile
* Those people who get on later are more likely to be those with big bags who actually want to sit down.
* That by leaving the only available seats as those between lots of people it means the only way to get a seat is to fight through them and annoy them all immensely.

What possibly annoys me slightly more is that people will then stand in the gaps between those seats and still not sit in them - both "wasting" seats as it were, and making anyone who's not feeling incredibly rude unable to get to the empty seat and sit in it.

I also get irritated at young teenagers, and young trying-to-look-pathetic women, who want the world to know that they are just unable to stay upright on a tube. It's not hard honey, bend your knees. Quite soon after I started making a weekly or biweekly trip across the capital I learned the art of staying upright, not only without looking like an idiot, but without having anything to hold onto at all. Unless the train brakes hard bending your knees and swaying is enough to keep your centre of balance - and if he does brake hard then a whole bunch of other people will go flying far worse because they're all so relaxed thinking that one hand on a rail is enough to keep them upright.

As for trains, it annoys me that you can run for a train only to find that 16 carriages have come in, but only 8 are leaving - i.e. that you need to run (still with the huge huge bag) to the other end of the platform. Thankfully this time, I made it. Then you find that the train is rammed - until that is you've fought your way through the first 3 carriages of rammed-ness only to find that after that the train is quite empty. Seriously, why would anyone who hasn't just run for the train not just move up the train to begin with!? Madness

Enough ranting for now...

When it rains it pours

Strange how hard it rains now

Rows and rows of big dark clouds

But I'm still alive underneath this shroud

Rain.

I'm busy packing to go home for a few days - which may either mean lots of updates or few depending upon how dire things are back there...

And then...?

I'm sat in my departmental library, having just handed back some old textbooks. There are all these books here that I haven't read... all these books that I never will. The future seems a bit empty without the chance to learn any more.

I had this great plan that after finals I'd actually do some decent (academic) reading for pleasure - just read all the interesting stuff I never had time to. Except then there were bills and someone offered me vaguely-academic work that will give me some cash for socialising, and some extra CV points, and has the advantage of being over 10km away so I'll cycle far enough doing that to not need to go to the gym (misplaced card, so this is definitely a good thing).

I hope to come back here. I really do. The plan was a year out and then back. But that was really resting on me getting a 1st. I'll get a 2:1, and there's still enough funding for my subject to do further study somewhere. But probably not here.

Just makes me think about all the afternoons I lay on my bed doing nothing, or hung out in the common room. All the essays I rushed. All the papers I just skim-read. If I had my time again would I do it differently? Or would I fall into the same traps? Do all finalists feel like this?

The best kind of rain

I was stood outside the department, texting OtherHalf.


The first raindrop hit my screen and I looked up. Shrugged. Kept writing.


Another drop. Another.


Big fat drops that were almost warm on the skin. Didn't make you squint. Made you so wet.


But so soft, so warm, so fat.


I could sit in rain like that for hours and never mind.

Coming out

The problem with nights that you know will turn into late drunken nights, but that you don't want to have, is that they tend to turn into late, mellow, contemplative nights instead. Which are nice, but still of little use if you're ill and have to be up early.

Since finishing finals I've had at least 5 "nights out" - 6 if you count last night. So my fluey disgusting bug is no better than before.

On Friday I was out with my coursemates - well that was the theory anyway. Actually it turned into dinner with 1 of my coursemates who's a good friend (Doc), 2 of my coursemates who I barely know and then general mellowness following with a few more of the previously absent coursemates who had numerously fallen asleep, had late trains, been invited elsewhere etc and the first coursemates flatmates.

One of my friends (Worrier) is seriously underdeveloped emotionally (and bear in mind this is 1. coming from me of all people and 2. coming from somebody that knows as many messed up people as I do). You know the stereotype: girls school, never met any boys, doesn't know how to flirt or how to kiss or that women can enjoy sex (none of these obviously are major emotional lacks, but they're all linked together). She's always been a worrier. She's always had low self esteem. But it's never been so apparent as that night quite the extent that this is to.

A lot of her complete lack of self worth (and I do mean complete - it's bizarre once you realise it) seems to stem from not only having never had a boyfriend, but having never had the feeling of wanting one. She's convinced that anybody who wants her must be not worth having, but she's also apparently never had a crush; never really wanted somebody to want her back. She's fancied people in films but that's as far as it goes.

She's also excessively tactile (again, this comes from me, so bear in mind how extreme a statement it is). I've seen that many times: mainly from friends who fit another stereotype, this time the parents-divorced-at-10-lived-with-my-dad stereotype of those who have been deprived of affection and at the first opportunity go overboard: they want to be touched, hugged, loved at every possibly moment. In Worrier's case this is exclusively directed at women, and passes the boundaries of just-good-friends quite a lot of the time: stroking knees, playing with hair...

This all seems a bit tenuous but more and more over the last couple of weeks Doc and I have agreed. We're becoming pretty certain that Worrier is actually a lesbian and hasn't realised it yet.

There are other options obviously, including the rather extreme example of asexuality, which I'll admit to knowing little about. But seeing as we both independently reached the same conclusion, it seems like a possibility.

Frustrated

In the months since this post I've been fighting hard to stay celibate. Well, I say fighting - for the most part I haven't found it that hard. Except yesterday I got a bit hot under the collar and it's pissing me off. Today I cracked and said you know what I just need to get off a little, a little fantasy to set me straight and then I'll be fine. 10 seconds in I hit a brick wall and the libido just died. Tried again just now... did ok and then thought - do I really want my first orgasm after months of no touching, no fantasising, no nothing to be something that doesn't involve OtherHalf? This is a fairly futile line of thought as that means no more orgasms until we're married... if we ever are married... This time no brick wall. Me, actively, consentingly, letting go. Choosing not to. Man I wish I could just forget sex.

Gah

Oh man I'm ill again :(

With no time to get better either - I've got a big meal out tonight, and OtherHalf's parents are here tomorrow. If I'm ill they'll blatantly think I'm hungover.

Worse, I went to print off copies of extended essay / project for my supervisers and low and behond discovered a horrific typo :*(

Late night at the water hole

I tend to make a point of not getting too close to the athletes I coach. It's always good to maintain some distance: not least because it gives you a) a sense of authority and b) a much cleaner conscience when you have to bite the bullet and do what's good for the team, not good for somebody's ego, or for their work ethic.

The other thing is that it stops them thinking of you as a friend. Don't get me wrong, I've had some good friends amongst those I've coached. But.... well men tend to be ok. They tend not to want to talk about their feelings much anyway. But girls... It's a fairly common occurrence following a big drunken celebration dinner to get someone whose thought process I suspect goes along the following path:

• I am so sad and full of relationship woe
• I want advice
• FinalsBlogger has always given me good advice
• FinalsBlogger seems very authoratitive (yes dear, about sport)
• I will ask FinalsBlogger for advice

Now this makes me sound like a heartless degenerate, which isn't the case. As it happens I do think I give good advice, and I will talk somebody down from a crisis. But it does strike me as slightly bizarre occasionally that young women gravitate to me with their relationship troubles. Especially when, in some scenarios, my first instinct is to shout Dump him! Dump him! and find the guy for the purposes of making it quite clear to him how much of a piece of worthless scum he is.

If it wasn't already clear, this made up a large part of my evening last night.

I also woke up with a rare and special hangover today (rare and special because I just don't get hungover, far too sensible about toast and gallons of water before bed: not because it was a hangover with sparkles).

Can't let it go

As mentioned here I've already worked out the best and worst case scenarios for my degree. Unless there is some miracle or I've completely misunderstood a question I am getting a 2:1. (I should probably point out that they don't scale our papers. Last year the mean for one paper dropped by 10%, and they said that since it wasn't clear whether it was a hard paper, a bad year of students or bad teaching, they weren't prepared to compensate).

Yet still I am obsessing.

Some of my friends are in the habit of trying to think of e.g. 20 people who will do worse than them, as a way of "proving" their 2:1 is safe. I've been labouring under the misapprehension that only 8 2:2s were given out in my subject last year. Except I neglected to count people who'd had their name removed from the pass list: which is naturally most likely to be those who know they might do badly. Upon reading the examiners' report I discovered that in the last 3 years a total of 42 1sts and 3rds have been given out (i.e. an average of 14 a year) - not 8.

Not that I'd been playing this game - but 14% is a bit bigger than 8 no?

But then on the other hand the highest 2:2 bracket is numerously described (in the various papers) as:

• Just satisfactory
• Covering most of the major points
• A weakish argument
• Small omissions or incorrectnesses

I think that if I'd done that I'd know wouldn't I?

And equally a 1st class paper (the lowest mark for it, obviously, not the highest marks) is described as simply being good and having "adequate" extra material included not from the lectures.

I'm not even sure I trust my own judgement anymore :-S

Then it got personal...

There aren't many of my exes I still have tension with. Basically none at all in fact. I'm a firm believer that if you were together for the right reasons in the beginning, then you can be friends again at the end. Ex (my most recent) and I had possibly the messiest breakup in the world. One of those one-side-can't-believe-it's-over break ups that takes 3 months to be resolved, and one of you's moved on, but not really, there's just all these feelings but it won't work out. It was messy. It was painful. We'll never be as close as we were before. But we're still friends.

There is, in fact, only one ex that still makes my stomach turnover whenever we have an unexpected encounter. Sam was young, and pretty... too young for me let's be honest. It was a summer fling with a friend of a friend, that we convinced ourselves was more. For me, I guess it was. It started off that way, and I was surprised when people intimated how hard it would be in a long distance relationship. But it didn't take long to realise that what I was feeling wasn't just lust, or friendship. I was enjoying being around someone who'd known me for a week and could finish my sentences. Someone who understood my relationship with music. Someone who made me feel like I was really wanted.

I should have listened to the LDR people. It crashed and burned quite rapidly, as soon as there were a better selection of eligible young things to choose from.

The problem with friends of friends from uni, is that they tend to continue visiting their friends after they've trodden all over your heart. It's a long way in the past, I'm happy with OtherHalf, and I've watched in a slightly sadistic way as Sam has tried and failed to find someone long term. Yesterday was the first time where I haven't just left the room and avoided the situation. I was surprised to realise that it hasn't been just me avoiding eye contact for the 2 years since this whole thing blew over. (That's right - it took me a few months to be able to talk to Ex... A month-long fling and 2 years over it my stomach turns over. Possibly because I've never had to face it, and live with the day-by-day reality). And to realise that actually every time something made me smile, that nobody else got, the one person in the room still smiling was Sam. I'd forgotten how alike we are really.

All over...

Well that's it... all done... and now begin the 3 weeks of waiting!
So now I guess the surviving-you-final-exams blog turns into a life-after-finals, finding-job etc blog!

Predictions:
Papers 3-5 (coursework)
Best case scenarios: 67, 68, 69
Worst case scenarios: 62, 62, 64
Paper 6 (Monday's compulsory option)
BCS: 65
WCS: 50
Papers 7/8 (Option 1)
BCS: 68, 74
WCS: 63, 68
Papers 9/10 (Option 2)
BCS: 65, 74
WCS: 60, 65

And my average last year was 76.

This puts my final mark anywhere between 64.6 and 70.2. A solid 2:1 basically. So now, we wait and see...

Oddness...

You'd think that my blog would be the last thing I'd be thinking about right now.
But you see that little thing on the right hand side there? That's my visitor counter.
It counts new visitors every day.
It tells me where you've come from, what pages you've visited, and where you live.
There are 4 regular visitors from this city. Today, a new person visited.

That person, lives in my city, and found my blog by searching google for it. Now you may think that finalistsblog would be a common name for a blog - but really not. I tried to find other blogs with similar names to read and there really aren't many. So it wasn't a typo, it was someone trying to find me.

Nobody knows the name of my blog. Except, last night I left my visitor counter on the screen at OtherHalf's. Now I have it on honour that the instinctive reaction here was not to google me and read my private rantings. But unless one of the four of you from this city happened to go to a friend's and look me up (which seems unlikely since by now you visit so often I'd expect you to know the address) and then that friend read all my posts about relationships, and sex, and committment and Christianity... Then somebody has found me.

I really, really don't like that.

And then the dream curled up in a little ball, laid down its little head, and died.

And thus ended the Finals Blogger's dream of a first. I'd sort of let it go anyway. I knew I wasn't prepared enough for these exams - but I did so ridiculously well last year I hoped I'd manage it somehow. I realised this morning that the mark I think I got yesterday was bad enough to neutralise the marks I got last year - I'd need a first in every paper to make it back (or rather an average of 70 over 4 papers).

The two today, were not so bad, but I doubt I got more than 65 on either. I was thinking about 68 for the first and then I counted up the marks I would give myself and it's a 65 for that and a 62 for this afternoon's.

So that's it.

I'm a little bit sad, but who wants to be a 1st class candidate anyway - it makes people assume you're some academic nerd, when really you just love your subject. Little bit sad though.

Shit

Well. That was the worst exam of my life.
Bad questions: Couldn't answer them. Things I've never covered.
Bad attitude: Went in not hyped up at all. Couldn't get motivated. Worked really slowly
Bad reaction: Messed up my timekeeping. Had plenty of time but thought I was far more behind than I was. Freaked out. As the still red bite mark on my hand testifies. Barely even felt it. Just needed something - anything - to bring me back to Earth.
Bring on the 2:1.
Well, bring on the 3rd in that paper.
2:2 if I'm lucky.
Should have been my best paper.
Such a massive loser.

It starts

Tomorrow.
The 19th.
The day of reckoning.
It starts.
First exam.
50% of my degree left.
3 hours to prove I know what I know on this topic.
In 13 hours I'll be in there.
13, unlucky for some.
Last cram.
Last bit.
One page more.
All I know now.
Hope it's enough

Nearly there...

I'm actually counting the hours. How unbelievably dire is that?
This time next week it will be over.
This time next week I will be enjoying Pimms and sunshine and picnics.
This time next week I will:

• Play my guitar... for like the 3rd time this term
• Read a book (I got most of the way through book number 3 this term and then the old work thing took over)
• Go to the gym (haven't been in TWO WEEKS!! Yeah, now you know I'm serious)
• Get my manuscript out and start writing again

This time next week I will be free!!

Terrifying isn't it? Jobs to apply for. Houses to hunt for. That great black abyss at the other end.... Think I've been out of the library too long :-S

One little slip

You know what terrifies me most? Just missing the first. Getting a 69. Even a 68 would be pushing it. If I get a 2i (which I probably will now) I want a 67 or lower. Or the first. The first would be good.

My team didn't qualify. And now every one of them is thinking: was it me that screwed it up? Was there anything more I could have done?

I don't want to stop in my tracks on June 15th and think:
What if I didn't do sport?
What if I didn't coach?
What if I hadn't sang in that concert?
What if I hadn't listened to Mathmo?
What if I hadn't spent so much time with OtherHalf?

I don't want those what ifs. Either I'm a first class candidate, or I'm not. I don't want there to be a What if.

Don't go

I used to have a big problem with my ex, who never wanted me to leave; never wanted me to go; could never accept that I had to go work. It was one of the big things that drove us apart: I just couldn’t cope feeling so guilty all the time, and it just never seemed to be understood that no I couldn’t skip lectures and yes I did need those spare 2 hours before them to finish my essay.

OtherHalf has never suffered from this problem. Other than the odd early Saturday morning when I’d rather get up than work late. Why this would suddenly become a problem days before my finals is beyond me. Somehow spent hours there last night when I should have been working. Gah!!

3 days
Up at 6am to be in library at 7am
Go home at 9pm to be in bed by 10pm
30 mins for breakfast and tea, an hour for lunch.
= 3 x (21-7-1-0.5-0.5)
= 3 x 12
= 36

36 hours
- 3 hours for a play I really want to see
- 2 hours for a rehearsal and concert
- 3 hours for qualifiers on Friday

On Sunday I can work 8-11 and then maybe 3-5 before evensong
I might at a push squeeze in 8-10 too

Max = 36 hours - 8 + 3 + 2 + 2
= .... still 36 hours

So... so... sooooooooooo screwed.

More random habits

• I draw ampersands (&s) backwards - I worked out how to do it aged 6 (slightly wrong) and have never taught myself to do it right again (I can at a push, I just can't be bothered to do it slowly and force myself)
• I tug on my ears in times of stress
• I use the word "epic" far far too much
• I always put the ? in an emphatic question first (e.g. You did WHAT?!)
• I blow all my food... even ice cream.

Never take bad advice

I've found myself recently getting annoyed at one of my friends Mathmo.

For the past 2 months or so I've been constantly berated for working past 7 on any day.

As a result, I've consistently not worked in the evenings, despite knowing that really I should. Not because I've been given an excuse not to, but because I just can't put up with the constant telling me I'm wrong and general superiority.

More and more it's occurred to me that really I should've just done what I wanted - not least now that I've discovered she's been starting work 2 hours before me. And her exams are a month later than mine.

First day of school

I feel like a worried parent before the first day of school. Will they be ok? Will they know where to go? Will they remember everything I've told them?

The girls I'm coaching have qualifiers on Friday. I really hope they get in. They can, and if they do everything we've talked about then they will. But equally if something goes wrong, 0r if someone has a bad day, then we're on a fairly slippery slope as to whether or not they make it through.

I have far bigger, more important things to worry about right now. Like the fact that I've done no practice essay plans yet, and I haven't got time to go through everything one last time: but every time I think about it I get butterflies. And I just want to do one last training session. One last pep talk. But there's no time. They're on their own now.

Take one brick out and the rest tumble down

I had a bit of a rubbish morning this morning. Competing in a sport that wasn't mine. Just a friendly. Just to make up a team. And making a total lash of it.

It's not so much the fact that I did so badly... it's the fact that I know I can do it well, and have done in the past, and was doing so in practice. And then I didn't just do badly: I crashed and burned.

And the fact that I'd taken 2 hours out this morning, and another 2 for a practice earlier in the week - just to make myself look like a total loser.

And then the worst was the reactions of everyone else. My team were ok: they knew I'd just had a bad day, and they didn't really blame me. Or at least pretended not to. It doesn't really matter. But all the good people, the coaches and judges etc just looked at me in this really pitying way that made me feel so much worse. I just felt like saying if you'd done your job and ever watched me before then you'd know I can do this... But you didn't. And now... now I guess I collapse under nerves.

Such a waste.

Sit up, man up, push for the finish

The guys I was coaching last night told me it was a shame I was a finalist. They said I was a really good coach (*g*). They said I knew how to motivate them. How to make them sit up, man up, achieve their potential.

So now I'm doing the same for myself.
Sit up.
Man up.
How much do you want this?
Show some commitment.
Show me what you're made of.
You have not worked this hard to give up now.
This isn't just about you: there's a whole host of people to let down if you get it wrong now.
Sit up.
Eyes in front.
Keep it smooth.
Keep it calm.
Keep it technical.
You know how to do this.
You will do this.

Because you have to. Because there's no other choice. Because failure is not an option. Because the only way to make it go away is to finish the race.

So sit up. Man up. Push for the finish.

And breeeeeathe

Well I got some practice questions back today with a bloody good mark - which is a good sign (especially after my mock in which I got a mid 2:2). Unfortunately that paper is completely different to the others I have to take, but I guess if I can get high enough marks on a couple more papers then lower marks on the other 6 won't be so world-destroying. Now I just need to get my ass in gear and learn everything else!

IndieKid has taken to counting the hours until his exams start. Shame mine start directly after his. I've told him he's banned from doing that to anyone as it's not healthy but as long as he stops doing it to me I'll be happy!

The Fear?

I think I might be getting the Fear. Yes, with a capital. You can hear it when I say it right? I've been wanting the Fear for at least a work. I'm too laid back. Too calm. Only today I started trying to do questions and it's not that I don't know the detail... I just don't know where to start. The essay plan... it's just not in my head. I knew I couldn't do this in first year - but last year it just all sort of slotted together. And now it's gone and I don't know how to get it back.

And every time I start to get my head down and be efficient coaching calls and it all falls apart.
WHY are my priorities so utterly messed up?!

Do you work here?

Do you work here?

I looked up, expecting to see a WHSmith employee in the vicinity. There wasn't. There was a rather tall, apparently well off, and obviously foreign woman looking at me. I looked down at my distinctly non-WHSmith uniform-like university hoody.

No. I shook my head, and went back to my search for No. 10 staples. (Tip - don't buy WHSmith's cheapest stapler - mine broke within about a week - but now I have it and it's semi-mended I figure I may as well use it. You can guarantee that now I've put staples in it it will die again).

About a minute later...

Do you know Rymans?

I looked up at the tall, upper class, foreign woman.

Yes, it's just around the corner I replied - expecting that she wanted directions.

What is it? At this point I paused... I was stood in the stationery section of a store that sells, primarily, stationery. I was being asked about another stationery shop as though perhaps it might sell... fast food... or jewellery.

It's a stationery shop. Just around the corner. Right over there. A bit more expensive perhaps, but a bigger range.

And then she started to ask me about their stock!!

Some people just amaze me. No, I am not a shop employee. No, I am not a little old lady who tried to start to chat with you. I am a student, in a uni hoody, which clearly says University of X on it, who is clearly looking for some staples. Why in goodness' name should you think I'm a good person to ask about the printer cartridge selection of Ryman's?!

Misunderstandings 4 - Women Priests

Why is it that women can't be priests? Why, in a world where women are becoming more and more equal to men are they still denied the right to ordination?

As if it weren't obvious already, this is not my view - it's a view to which I attempt to offer an answer. As set out by the catechism:

Only a baptized man (vir) receives sacred ordination. The Lord Jesus chose men
(viri) to form the college of the twelve apostles, and the apostles did the same
when they chose collaborators to succeed them in their ministry. The college of
bishops, with whom the priests are united in the priesthood, makes the college
of the twelve an ever-present and ever-active reality until Christ’s return. The
Church recognizes herself to be bound by this choice made by the Lord Himself.
For this reason the ordination of women is not possible.

This in itself actually explains it very well, but for the purposes of clarity I'll elaborate. Most of the arguments I've heard for the ordination of women priests fall into two categories:
1. Women should be equal to men in everything.
2. Jesus didn't choose women as priests because of the current Jewish climate.

Now firstly, I am by no means an anti-feminist; but this argument really hacks me off. There are plenty of ways in which men and women are not equal. Yes, there are battles that need fighting: there is unequal pay, and unfair treatment of rape victims, and sexual discrimination. But I think this is an incredibly worldy argument, for what is an incredibly spiritual question.

For instance, many people say (and in many ways I'm inclined to agree) that intercourse is a valuable - even vital - part of a serious relationship. Ergo everyone should be having sex or their relationships aren't worthwhile. Never mind the people who choose to abstain; never mind the scores of generations who abstained out of fear of pregnancy... Apparently without sex a relationship is not a relationship.

Well pardon me, but hard as celibacy is, and as detrimental as it might be in the short term, if Our Lord me to do it then I think at the very least I should damn well give it a try. I may stumble, I may fall, I may fail. But at the very least I will try to stick by the rules - just turning around and saying Well he didn't mean it isn't really an option.

Similarly here I feel the same can be said. Maybe men and women should be equal in every respect in this world (I don't actually think they should but that's just more controversy so let's simplify this) - but when have Christians ever lived by the laws of this world? When have we ever said it's ok to lie, or cheat, or screw people over? (NB not trying to imply that Christians are any more holy than anyone else - but there's generally more of an attempt not to even tell white lies, for instance). If God says that women can't be priests then no wordly argument about women having the right to stand equal will sway me on this point.

Secondly, and perhaps quite similarly, since when did JESUS live by the rules of 1st century Israel? This idea that He would disregard women as priests because He was worried they wouldn't be accepted... Well let's see:
1. Jesus had some very close women followers who He already treated essentially equally to the men. And yet he chose none of them - not his mother, or Mary of Magdalene or the women at Bethany - to be among the twelve.
2. Jesus consorted with tax collectors, and lepers, and "sinners". He was not afraid of accepting and bringing close to Him people that others had rejected. Priesthood was not given out as a reward for doing well (after all His priests included Peter - who denied him - and Thomas - who denied his resurrection) it was given to the Twelve for a reason.
3. A number of other religions at the time had priestesses - the idea was not completely alien.

I really REALLY don't like the idea that Jesus might have just "made a mistake" or conformed to the times because it was convenient. If He wanted women as priests, then either He would have just made them anyway or He would have come at a different time, to a different place. The work of Our Lord is not happenstance or random. It is all part of His plan, and I don't think we can do much better than to follow that plan.

Yesterday was just one of those days... I'm sunburned for starters, which is never a good thing, but I basically wasted a day coaching.

Well I say wasted... In the morning I was coaching the team I wanted to be coaching this term - as it's got a whole bunch of very enthusiastic lads who are really into it and want to do well. They were really up for some hard work, and because I'm not their usual coach I noticed some things they hadn't been told to do before - so I felt like we'd achieved something and they were very nice about it afterwards. We got ourselves in a bit of a tangle at the end, but overall it was a gorgeous morning, we did some good solid work, and I felt like a good coach.

The afternoon was my normal team. 50% people who want to work hard and are good, almost 50% who just want to do it for fun, and one in the middle who's the most enthusiastic of the bunch but doesn't realise you can't ask everyone to follow you when you're far from being the best on the team. We did some race practice and it was shockingly bad. Like I have nightmares about races going that badly. And at the end, when I said well we can't do it again so.... they all replied that they had plenty of energy so let's go again. Clearly I haven't explained the words "empty the tank" and "give it your all" well enough. And then, as if that wasn't good enough, random members of the public started criticising me for being too harsh.

Some days, I just want to hang up my coaching boots.

The worst bit was, I got back to the library and it was all I could think of. I'd do 10 minutes good work and then just start thinking about how horrible I was, and how maybe I should be nicer, and how at this rate they wouldn't qualify. Just kept eating me up. I suddenly got this image of everyone telling me I shouldn't coach anymore because I wasn't good enough and I knew that if it happened I'd just cut myself to oblivion. Not because I care about coaching, but because I can't bear the thought of being a failure. So now of course I'm mad at myself for wasting work time, when I should be concentrating on my finals, and not on whether or not some freshers who don't really care about the sport do well or not.

Now that's what you call May Day

I'm sleep deprived.

So sleep deprived in fact that I feel slightly inebriated. Very inebriated really. I'm walking into things.

It's May Day - so that means stay up all night and drink all day. Unless you're me in which case it means minimal sleep, maximal sport, a pub lunch to celebrate the end of Exams Part 1 for wino and not nearly as much work as I should have done.

It's also Ascension Day - so I'll be off to Mass soon - and Election Day: although due to some faff with me moving house I'm yet to vote. Gotta remember to do that before bed.

Most of today is a blur. A big, sleepy, pro plus and coffee fuelled blur. It's amazing what you're capable of pushing yourself through when you have to. Still, in a month it'll be over. One month more. That's it. Just keep swimming.

... And then I remembered how tired I was; how overworked I felt; how much
more there was to go. So, finally, I let the facade drop: let him realise who I
really was. Mousy-haired, drawn with weariness, not as stacked as they thought,
no longer fighting to retain enthusiasm and zest fro life: just be one of
them.

"I want friends," I whispered. "I haven't got anybody else."

I found the above scribbled on my notes from about the same time as I had my last episode. About a week before I think. Really describes how I feel right now...

Let it rain

Sometimes you just have to let it rain down
Stand under the cloud and let it pour down
Wash away the fears and the pain
Let it rain down on me
Sometimes you need a breath of release
Sometimes you need to be washed clean
Take away the hurt and the craving inside
Restart it from the beginning

Well I got my mock exams back - low 2i in one and high 2ii on the other. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but not much worse than I'd expected. Guess that dream really is slipping away.

I'm applying for a job - more teaching stuff. I was planning on getting away from this city, but London looks out of reach right now and going home is just not an option. A year of arguments with my sister and a broom closet for a bedroom? I think not.

In other news my brake cable snapped - naturally AS I was braking. Bike is a bit mullered which means I'm now on foot but at least it's easily mendable and I'm not too hurt. A friend got completely floored on her bike yesterday (by another cyclist rather than a car this time - seems to happen to her a lot) and her bike is totally screwed...

Moving in slow motion

You know when you have those days? The ones where it just all hits you. How much there is to do. How little time. And you don't freak out as such. You just... you find yourself in a toilet cubicle. Just sat there. Nothing left to do in there, but not quite ready to leave yet. Just sitting. Pausing. Thinking.

Thinking about how much work there is left to do.
Thinking about how your exams start in less than 4 weeks and you've not even finished going through lectures for the first time.
Thinking that you've missed several days at the gym in a row, because there's too much to do.
Thinking about all the coaching plans you need to write.
Thinking about all the rehearsals you've got to go to.
Thinking about all that extra stuff that's sneaking itself into your day. Revision classes. Extra lectures.

It's all a bit too much. And it just feels like you're moving through gel. Everybody else around you is panicking, and you just can't move. You're forced to sit there and endure it. Worse than panicking in a way.

Something extraordinary

Yesterday I saw a man with one leg and a fire engine blues-and-twosing. Neither of these are things I commonly see and both made me go say-what-now?! Just thought I'd share....

Have to say I'm getting a bit frustrated with coaching at the moment. I called a really early session this morning so we could do some decent work to make up for missing a session and ended up finishing at about half past 7 because they were all so knackered there was no point anymore. And they reckon they don't need to do fitness training.....

That's the way...

Today has been a bit of an epic day
Two people have cried on me
Two of my breaks have overrun (one because somebody was crying on me)
I have done circuits for the first time in ages (primarily so I could talk to the people who were attending circuits afterwards - but oh my wow does it feel good to do that many squats again...)
I am now sleepy, and my legs ache (note to self: just because you're showing people how to do the stretches you've missed out doesn't mean you should just do them for 2 or 3 seconds til they get the idea cos oh yeh it hurts when you don't do them properly - that's why you're showing them!!)
I have bought an excessive amount of food
And then just the small issue of my first exam...

Ah well - just the life of a finalist I guess.

Random habits of mine

I'm discovering that the more stressed I get, the more random habits I develop. Not that I didn't have plenty to begin with:

• I never get into the shower and then turn it on - I only ever step into running water.
• When I switch pens, I don't put the pen I'm writing with down, I hold it between my teeth.
• I cannot stand to have one hand wet or greasy or slimy and not the other. Not that that's usually a problem, but it does happen!
• Currently when I sleep, I do so with my arms between my legs, crossed, so that each palm pushes against the opposite thigh. I'm also completely unable to sleep without some kind of pressure (duvet is best!)

Library Low-Down

Well it's starting to get a bit hectic - I've just taken an unscheduled break because the atmosphere in this place is a bit of a nightmare. Everyone's back now - including random errant freshers who think they have a hope in hell of getting a desk...


New Girl is in there every morning at 8. To begin with I just thought she was beating me in slightly - maybe getting there at 5 to 9 or just plain on time, as I've been 5 or 10 minutes late recently. But when I came in super early to get some work done (before 8!!) she turned up bang on the dot of 8. Some people are just crazy


Panicky guy works the longest hours of anybody. One of the girls in the library is obviously his flat mate - apparently he doesn't come home until 1 in the morning some nights. I knew he was working late (sometimes I go on until 10 when I'm staying at OtherHalf's) but this is really a whole new level


Stressy makes a big huff any time anybody gets up to get anything or go to the loo or something. She comes in late (10 or even 11) and leaves early (4 or 5 most days) but while she's in the library she's chained to her desk, and boy does she make a fuss if other people make noise. Despite this, she doesn't put her phone on silent, and she answers it and then walks out of the library.


Rugby guy likes to make out like he's doing no work. He makes jokes and does impressions (although usually pretty quietly) but he's still there every day until 6 or 7.

Cox (I mentioned her before...) keeps herself to herself, but drinks a lot of tea (only really noticeable because she has to keep going to Starbucks to get it)

Scientist has post-its all over her desk. She only ever takes breaks of about 10 minutes, and she looks terrified every time she can't find something in a text book. She also, I have noticed, always wears matching clothes. By this point almost everybody else lives in jeans and a hoody, or a tracksuit, or something similarly no-thought-involved-ish. But she still coordinates! Ah well, priorities I suppose...

Everybody is becoming more territorial. Everybody is working longer hours. Everybody is looking a little more harrowed with every minute that passes... and I've just wasted 30 mins sat out here trying to get it out of my system.... hmmmm

Dying for a fag

For the last week I have been absolutely gagging for a cigarette.

First, I was stood waiting for some mates outside our local Chinese. I was there for 30 mins+ waiting. (Well they tried to call to say they'd be 15 minutes late, but didn't get through, then were later than 15 minutes, and I was a bit early). You just feel like such a moron stood there waiting... I wanted something to do with my hands. Something to cling to.

Then there's the smell of it. Especially in this rainy weather where everyone stays close and huddles. Most of all the menthols. I remember them. Like smoking water. But just the tobacco smell. All safe and warm and comforting.

Which leads me onto the stress. Less than a week and I shall be viva-ing away and the thought completely terrifies me. I just want to wrap myself in tobacco smoke and let the world drift away on it.

The irony is that I've never been a smoker. Not really. Socially. To keep my best friend company. Out of curiosity. But I've smoked one in my whole time at university. Just one. And I haven't smoked regularly since I was 17. But right now I could kill for it.

Being the assistant

Man I'm hacked off!
I don't mind being an assistant coach, and just doing the odd training session as and when I'm needed.
I also don't mind being an assistant coach who just takes the 2nds or the 3rds and puts them through their paces.
But if you give me a team, and tell them they're mine, and then I have to sort out their faff of a training schedule, and take time out of going to the gym, and take time off work to do technical sessions in the middle of the day then you do not email me just as I'm going to bed to tell me that actually you're going to coach them tomorrow and I'm not needed.
It pisses me off.
It messes up my day (e.g. if I haven't bothered to wash my gym kit as I know I can't go to the gym as I'll be with them).
It completely undermines me as a coach.
And it messes with my training program!

Pudding makes everything better...

Today has been a bit of a rubbish day. For one thing I've been hungry all day. Even though I've had real meals :(

Last mock exam this morning - went ok I think. Hopefully scraped a 2i on it.

I'm so unbelievably tired.

And I had a stupid fight with a friend. Or not a friend. It's reached the point of him starting pointless arguments and me trying to stay calm that I've concluded I just don't want to be around him anymore. Thankfully there's no real reason to except social situations, and he's not really a part of my uni group of friends - so there's no real need to see him for a while. I just don't want to be around someone who makes me feel shit when I'm trying to concentrate on exams y'know?

I just got all depressed and mopey this afternoon. Cheered myself up a bit by buying a CD from a busker (ridiculous I know, but I've heard him a few times and he plays lots of my comfort music (Comfort music - being rather like comfort food - is music that I find reassuring; nostalgic; mellow... a combination of things that my parents used to play on the many-hour drive to my grandparents, and pop hits from the years I was in sixth form, and old folky type tunes like Eva Cassidy). Anyway I bought this CD and then managed to get all mopey again.

But I had a pack of stale hot cross buns in the cupboard and I've just seen that Jamie Oliver Sainsbury's advert again so I made this:

It's hot cross buns with marmalade and custard. Now I'm all full and sleepy and it's hard to tell yourself that nobody likes you when you're full and sleepy. Not impossible... but it is difficult.

The day is not going well

My extended essay is handed in - I should be happy (even if I spent a fortune on proper binding because I couldn't find any of those cheap acetate covers). But today is not going well. I've lost my gym card (I think at the gym) which means I can't get in to LOOK for it - Issue. This bizarre growth thing on my foot is getting bigger and hurting. And I've achieved zero in terms of work today :-S

... Now!

Just going to hand in my (not-)extended essay (2990 words) and viva abstract (468 words)
So glad they're finally under the limits!!

Boots Expert

I have been really impressed recently with the Boots "Expert" range. It's essentially Tesco Value for skin care and hygeine. Now normally, while not being a Value/Basic snob, I wouldn't be wanting to stick something that's as cheap as it comes on my skin (cos I break out EASY!)

But I got some of the facewipes as they're easy to throw in a bag and do my face with after the gym (as my big bottle of clearasil won't fit in my little gym wash kit). And then a female friend who knows about such things told me that the problem with my skin was that I didn't moisturise. And everybody, everywhere, in the whole wide world needed to moisturise. So one day I got some moisturiser... And while my skin still isn't amazing, it doesn't seem to be falling off in sheets either... which is nice. So I may have to keep buying this Boots Value/Basic/Expert stuff...

Misinformation

My pet hate (always really, but especially now when stuff is getting on my nerves) is misinformation. I am well aware that the media blow everything out of proportion, but some of the things I care most about are completely misunderstood because of the utter tripe spouted by the popular press, and people's fear.

Some of the BIG things that annoy me at the moment are people not understanding:

• Evolution (seriously, I have no bones with creationists - but when the vast majority of the Christian world sees Genesis as allegorical it doesn't help us if you just write off Evolution as "monkey business" or something. By all means provide a theological reason why you can't square with it - but implying that it's a big conspiracy theory is ridiculous)
• Christianity (in particular people who misunderstand the nature of the Gospels, people who misunderstand the church's stance on homosexuality, and people who just write off the whole life style without having a clue what it's about. By all means be an atheist. By all means tell me that religion is for you and that you don't need to read the Bible to know you don't believe in God. That's fine. What's NOT fine is telling me that I'm stupid and that the whole thing is incongruous when you haven't got a clue what it's about!)
• Genetic Modification (of crop plants) (Once you put a gene in a plant it is NOT coming out, it is NOT going into any other plant and it is NOT going to kill you)

I feel some more "Misunderstanding" blog posts coming on...

Gah!

Argh! My extended essay is due in in TWO DAYS. 45 hours to be precise. It is written, but still has not been seen by an area specialist, and is around 50 words over the word limit. I know I should look at it and rewrite the utterly crap conclusion, but it'll be LOTS of time for VERY little benefit unless I have a brain wave so I'm just ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

My viva is in NINE DAYS. Also terrifying. I've done none of the extra reading I'd planned - I'm just flying by the seat of my pants.

I've also started to get really narky about having slightly too long nails. Everytime I type unless it's too fast to feel I set my teeth on edge as the nails hit the keys.

I've begun freaking out about the weirdest things - like being able to feel my pulse. It drives me up the wall and then I claw at myself until it hurts enough to not feel it anymore. That's sick right?

I've lost the ability to spell: any letters on the bottom row of the keyboard are used interchangably. And I use words that sound like other words. And I move words around in a sentence. And transplant letters....

I'm going crazy

People at the gym

It's quite nice really... I've got to a stage where there are certain people who are always in the gym, who I can nod to and smile and and say hi to. We know what each other does, can tell when we're having an off day, and have a kind of camaraderie. So let's see.... there's:

Running guy - Running guy is probably in his 50s but he's slim built. Every day he comes into the gym and runs at about 13km for at least half an hour. Sometimes faster. He'll run until the sweat is literally flying off him, and he can hardly breathe and then he sits down on the treadmill. He'll then do some cycling or something. I hope I'm that fit when I'm in my 50s.

Asian girl - Asian girl only comes to the gym for 2 or 3 days in a row, and then disappears for about 10 days. I guess maybe she went home for easter and then got busy or something, cos it's certainly not that she can't cope with it. She lifts some pretty darn heavy weights for a girl, and then jogs, but apparently nothing else.

Bearded guy - Bearded guy is one of the few really quite old people who still seems to be able to work. He jogs and rows, admittedly not very hard, but enough that he's clearly out of breath. He obviously doesn't mind working at his limits (many older people seem to just come and walk a lot... personally I'd rather go around the parks if I were just walking!) He has a really weird rowing technique though: he curls his wrists around at least 90 degrees at back stops... v weird!

Admin lady - Admin lady may not actually be an admin lady... but she's just got that look about her. She always comes out of the gym wearing a suit and black tights in a generally officious sort of way, so she's clearly not a mature student, but equally I've never seen a lecturer or tutor dress in a suit - only ever the staff that work in the office. She walks on the treadmill, and walks on the cross trainer. She's there almost every day, but never seems to break a sweat

Hardcore Rower - Harcore Rower has disappeared at the moment - maybe he's gone home. For the last few weeks though he's turned up every day at 7:25, and still been erging when I leave at 8:15. He's great if you want to lock into somebody... never moves from 20 spm. EVER.

Skiing Girls - These two are by no means regulars, but I mention them anyway. They are the ones that started the judgemental rant. They turn up in their "Snowsport" hoodies (hence: skiier) and generally faff for 40 minutes before leaving. One of them is ok: she'll just go on a cross trainer doing resistance work for 30 minutes, and then maybe have a jog to warm down. The other does literally less than 10 minutes on every machine before getting bored and moving on. She spends the whole time looking at everyone else, and it bugs the hell out of me.

Speedy guy - Speedy Guy is bald, and always wears a baseball cap (which I admit to finding slightly odd). He does everything really fast. Like when he does weights, I assumed for ages he was just doing a warm up set as the machine goes BANG BANG BANG with about half a second's interval in between. Like he's doing it with no weight on at all. But the other day I used a machine after him and he had a good 40kg on there... crazy stuff. He mainly cross trains: at about 225 steps per minute!! It's insane... He's always there doing situps on the mats when I arrive, then he comes and does weights, and then he goes on his crazy cross training binge...

That's most of the regulars... there are some other people who are there sufficient for me to know who they are: The indian guy with the worst rowing technique I've ever seen, the slightly chunky rower who comes about once a week... Oh and one of the girls from the library (remember Bootylicious?) has started to come too... which is a bit odd (I notice people more when I know them) but alright to have someone to chat to.

Urgh

I'm ill. Again. I had flu 6 weeks ago, so you'd think I'd be immune to the common cold for a while but apparently not. This may explain my paranoid insecure raging on Saturday...

It's now less than 2 weeks until my extended essay is due in, and less than 3 until my viva (Insert silent scream HERE).

I'm really really tired, cos of this dreaded lergy trying to kill me - but I can't afford to not be working now!! I'm still managing to keep my library hours, but today I actually skipped the gym, as I felt too rough to even cycle my bike, so figured that an hour or two of hardcore training might not be the best plan.

So... plans for the next 2 weeks:
* Find someone, anyone, to read my bloody essay and tell me how to make it better
* Improve viva presentation
* Learn viva presentation
* Sleep enough to get better!!

Misunderstandings Part 3 - GM crops

There are many topics of public interest which are blown out of proportion, or presented horribly inaccurately due to the media. We've all just seen the recent furore caused by the Daily Express' handling of the Madeleine McCann case. We're all aware of how much more attention is given to allegations of paedophilia when they're directed at teachers or scout leaders and consequently how much the media likes to exaggerate tales of paedophilia within the priesthood (which is not to say that it doesn't happen, or that it's not incredibly serious: but that they blow it massively out of proportion). Another issue, possibly not seen as so serious: in that it doesn't destroy lives - but actually no less important to my mind is that of GM crops.


By 2050 it is estimated that the world population will reach 8 or even 9 billion people. Currently, there are around 6 billion of us. We're actually looking at a 30% increase in just 40 years. Crazy! We already struggle to feed the world. Yes there are grain mountains and milk lakes... but even if they were used we would still be pushing it somewhat to feed each and every one of the 3 billion people currently living on less than 2 dollars a day. Or even to just help the 1.6 billion who live on less than a dollar a day.


An increase in people means an increase in food needed: and right now we're looking at a major deficit. There are many reasons to take GM farming seriously, but the prospect of a starving world provides more motivation than most things.


So what does GM mean?

Genetic Modification or Genetic Engineering is the insertion (or deletion) of genes into a plant genome (the package of DNA that the plant uses as an instruction manual for building proteins). There are two main methods for this: one is using a plasmid, taken up by Agrobacterium tumefaciens - a plant pathogen, which creates a tumour and adds its own DNA to the plant's; or you can fire it in using a special gun with golden bullets coated in DNA.



But surely anything could happen?

Well, in the most science fiction world possibly yes it could. But the fact is that we're not just adding genes at random - we're selecting useful genes for their function, and adding them. You're giving the plant an extra set of instructions and all it can do is follow them. So if you give it the gene for a blue pigment all it can do with that gene is make that blue pigment. It can't magically grow legs and run away because the gene doesn't tell it to do that.

In many ways GM is actually "safer" than conventional selective breeding. In the past we've mixed 2 whole different genomes (imagine mixing wheat and rice - although really we're breeding species more closely related than those) whereas now we are taking one single gene, the function of which we already know, and only adding that.


But is it morally ok to mix and match genes from different organisms?

Well to start with, the genes aren't usually from vastly different organisms. In the olden days we used to find a plant with a good trait (say a higher yield) and then breed the plants to move the gene. The same thing is done now, only with GM. As plants have been bred for yield and size, often useful genes such as disease resistance have been lost, so GM is used to put them back. This has been done with e.g. wild wheat and Inca wheat with domestic wheat.

Secondly, unlike most animal species, plant species are actually relatively easy to hybridise. We've been creating plants that came from 2 different plants to begin with for years and years anyway - most of the Brassicas (oil seed rape, cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, mustard etc) are either hybrids themselves, or have been hybridised to make more crops. This way is just faster.

Thirdly, genes from a completely different organism (such as the genes from Erwinia in golden rice) are actually very rare. Normally we're switching genes between plants, which is far less strange if you ask me.

Finally: if you're going to talk about moral obligations, how morally right is it to supress a technology that could safely feed the entire world. Forget about giving up meat, and irrigation, and all the other ways we're fighting tooth and nail to get enough grain to feed the world. Hand me some GM and off we go. Same goes for fighting Vitamin A and Iron deficiency in Asia with specially developed rice strains.

Is it morally questionable to mix and match species?
Possibly - although we've done the same thing with domestication for the last 10 000 years.

Is it morally questionable to let 4 billion people starve?
I'd hazard that at a resounding yes, personally!

Ok so it's rare. What about those rare cases when it does happen? Couldn't the gene escape? Could it be passed to humans?

No. Absolutely not. At all. Think about a carrot: it's orange because it has genes for carotenoids (a type of antioxidant). No matter how many carrots you eat you will not pick up that gene yourself and start making carotenoids, and turn orange. The only way to get those genes into a human would be for you to have sex with the carrot and have fertile offspring. Not really gonna happen.

What about plants of the same species that aren't GM?

That is actually one of the very few real risks, and it's why GM crops have to be a certain distance from non-GM crops of the same species. Even then, it depends a lot on the plant. Something like maize has heavy fat pollen that literally gets about 10m before it falls on the floor. It's why we plant maize in fat squares, not long strips. Unless there's a mini-hurricaine that pollen isn't getting anywhere near the next field!

And here ends the FB summary to GM

Can't have everything

The last 2 weeks have been very strange. Suddenly people know my name. People nod at me. People say hi. People ask how I am and stop for a chat. People I've known for the last 3 years, who've never wanted to know me. Working in the library, going to the common room at lunch because it's too far to go home, and too expensive to eat out, and I don't like eating my packed lunch on the steps of hte library... suddenly I've become one of them. Not totally. Not socialising. But... I'm not an outcast.

So I guess that meme that as soon as you sort out one part of your life, another will go wrong is right. I've barely seen OtherHalf since we got back after easter. We've both been working hard, haven't made the time... Went out last night, needing to talk, needing to be reassured, feeling scared. Ignored. Totally. Seems I've lost the ability to be social with people I don't know. Felt so isolated. So lost. Don't know how to articulate that I feel I'm being left behind.

Nightmare conversation keeps happening.

So what are you two gonna do next year?

Ah well things will probably move apart and eventually we'll let it go.

What?! But how can you be in a relationship now if you don't think it'll
carry on? You can't care about each other at all...

I hate that line. Yes I care. I care a lot. I care so much it hurts. But I'm going to be pragmatic about this. Of course I'll fight. Of course I'll hold on. But not every couple are madly in love and dreaming of 2.4 kids.

Some of them are close friends, who enjoy each other's company, and fancy each other. But one of them isn't in love. And the future is uncertain. And they're not strong enough to give up on their dreams just to be together. But for now they work. For now they make each other happy. For now. I think maybe I'm the one pulling away. So scared of being left behind I'm withdrawing, and now it's being noticed. I just can't bear the thought of being left if I'm in love. I'd rather just care an awful lot... love even... but not be in love. Y'know?

Broken mirror on the floor

Right now, I rather feel as though my degree is in pieces.
My extended essay is due for submission in just over 2 weeks.
My viva is in just over three.
I have had zero feedback regarding either from either supervisor.
My "moral" tutor has just managed to spectacularly fuck up by not sending a reference he promised me some 2 weeks ago, and subsequently removing any chance of me being considered for my dream job. He too, despite having agreed to read my essay has failed to do it.
The essay is weak. My points aren't well argued. It's not critical. The conclusion... is aimless.
I have no idea if my presentation is any good or not. It feels too broad. Other people seem to be revising extra stuff - I was just expecting questions about the content of the presentation itself. I feel as though the world is crashing down slightly.

Having looked at the mark scheme, the best I'm likely to achieve for either is a high 2:2... a 59. Hopefully within the next 2 weeks some wonderful fairy godmother will come help me and I can scrape into the 2:1 bracket - but right now it's not looking promising at all. I can't afford to flunk these - these are what's meant to be keeping my average grade up to make up for the summer exams.

And I've run out of people to turn to. :-S

Diet

I'm beginning to conclude that a lot of my lethargy is down to me being dehydrated and not eating right. I've started noticing that even on days when I'm at the gym I rarely drink more than a litre of water. Today I drank just 750ml. Think I'm gonna have to get some sort of system... e.g. every time I have a break down a pint of water.

I'm also not getting enough fruit and veg... well... I'm drinking smoothie every day and at the moment I'm making fruit salad. But definitely not enough vegetables. None of this "brain food"... What's meant to be good again? Oily fish I remember... grapes maybe? Shellfish... Wheatgrass... I should check this stuff out.

I have... friends?

Where've you been?!

I was sat on the steps of the library, minding my own business, eating a banana.

Huh?

It was just before 9am, and I was eating breakfast, somewhat taken aback at being hailed this way by Bootylicious.

B: The last couple of days...
FB: Oh... I went home over Easter
B: Ooooooh - we were wondering where you were! See ya at lunch?

I nodded, and off she went.
There's a group of girls I've been regularly eating lunch with, this one and her flatmates. We picnic outside the library, as there's nowhere cheap nearby and nowhere worth going to eat our myriad of food (mostly salad, houmous and tuna in their case for some reason). We've been hanging out, but I hadn't really realised they would notice my absence, or comment on it if they had.

Last night I was having food at Albert's. He's pretty lonely by the looks of it: missing the boyfriend, and now his flatmates have gone home too. It was one of those lovely nights, but where you're very aware that you should be going - and while it's not one of those nights where you just can't bear to leave, the look in his eyes says stay... keep me company... and so you do. It was good though - very nice pasta bake that I'll have to get a recipe for.

And again today... I realised that now every time one of the rugby guys comes into the library he gives me a nod and an Alright? That would never have happened a couple of months ago. It seems that slowly but surely, 2 and a half years in, I've finally found some sense of belonging in this place...

Rain, rain, go away...

Yeuch. The weather right now is disgusting. A couple of days back I left the house early to go to the gym (yeh yeh, so that's every day!) and it was sorta overcast but not rainy, and it looked like the sky had run out of rain. So I chanced it and went coatless. Big mistake. It HEAVED it down - and it was just lucky that when I finally decided to chance it and cycle home (after all I can do it in less than 15 minutes and there were dry clothes here) I had to hang around and wait for someone, and in the 15 minutes it took him to turn up the rain suddenly magically stopped. It pissed it down all day and then it was over!

Next day was BEAUTIFUL weather: not just not raining, it was sunny! Of course today the rain is back and just as horrible as before - but I suppose I'll survive it *sigh*.

I've decided to get a late start tomorrow; no gym AND I'm going to the library an hour later so that makes at least an extra 2 hours in bed, probably 2.5! :O

The umbrella

Somebody told me quite recently that you will never have such a good overview of your subject as you do right before finals start. Nobody quite sees how it all fits together, or can explain everything quite so well, or knows so much of the primary literature for all the bits of the subject together (obviously there are specialists) as a finalist.

I was already aware this was true to some extent - I certainly found the amount I knew before 2nd year exams was phenomenal, looking back over my notes for some cross over work makes me gasp slightly!

However what I also think you get with that, is a strong realisation of which parts of the subject you love, and which you detest. Clearly I've already got some idea - I picked my major after all ;-) But mainly I did lots of modules with the intention of figuring out later what I liked and what I would actually revise for etc. I've already ruled out a couple of useless modules (one, irritatingly that prevented me from going to some 2nd year lectures I'd mainly slept through the first time around - they've just got a MUCH better lecturer and he's so good and clear, and I missed all the ones in autumn term because this module seemed more important).

But some bits, that seemed ok-ish but not inspiring I am getting really into now that I'm bulking up on primary literature and case studies. And this one module that I took because it seemed alright at the time is just going to be so much work to get a good grade out of (very disparate, concept-driven course, they could ask us anything) and all the extra reading is just boring me.

*shrugs* C'est la vie!