Wednesday 30 April 2008

... And then I remembered how tired I was; how overworked I felt; how much
more there was to go. So, finally, I let the facade drop: let him realise who I
really was. Mousy-haired, drawn with weariness, not as stacked as they thought,
no longer fighting to retain enthusiasm and zest fro life: just be one of
them.

"I want friends," I whispered. "I haven't got anybody else."

I found the above scribbled on my notes from about the same time as I had my last episode. About a week before I think. Really describes how I feel right now...

Tuesday 29 April 2008

Let it rain

Sometimes you just have to let it rain down
Stand under the cloud and let it pour down
Wash away the fears and the pain
Let it rain down on me
Sometimes you need a breath of release
Sometimes you need to be washed clean
Take away the hurt and the craving inside
Restart it from the beginning
Well I got my mock exams back - low 2i in one and high 2ii on the other. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but not much worse than I'd expected. Guess that dream really is slipping away.

I'm applying for a job - more teaching stuff. I was planning on getting away from this city, but London looks out of reach right now and going home is just not an option. A year of arguments with my sister and a broom closet for a bedroom? I think not.

In other news my brake cable snapped - naturally AS I was braking. Bike is a bit mullered which means I'm now on foot but at least it's easily mendable and I'm not too hurt. A friend got completely floored on her bike yesterday (by another cyclist rather than a car this time - seems to happen to her a lot) and her bike is totally screwed...

Monday 28 April 2008

Moving in slow motion

You know when you have those days? The ones where it just all hits you. How much there is to do. How little time. And you don't freak out as such. You just... you find yourself in a toilet cubicle. Just sat there. Nothing left to do in there, but not quite ready to leave yet. Just sitting. Pausing. Thinking.

Thinking about how much work there is left to do.
Thinking about how your exams start in less than 4 weeks and you've not even finished going through lectures for the first time.
Thinking that you've missed several days at the gym in a row, because there's too much to do.
Thinking about all the coaching plans you need to write.
Thinking about all the rehearsals you've got to go to.
Thinking about all that extra stuff that's sneaking itself into your day. Revision classes. Extra lectures.

It's all a bit too much. And it just feels like you're moving through gel. Everybody else around you is panicking, and you just can't move. You're forced to sit there and endure it. Worse than panicking in a way.

Something extraordinary

Yesterday I saw a man with one leg and a fire engine blues-and-twosing. Neither of these are things I commonly see and both made me go say-what-now?! Just thought I'd share....

Have to say I'm getting a bit frustrated with coaching at the moment. I called a really early session this morning so we could do some decent work to make up for missing a session and ended up finishing at about half past 7 because they were all so knackered there was no point anymore. And they reckon they don't need to do fitness training.....

Thursday 24 April 2008

That's the way...

Today has been a bit of an epic day
Two people have cried on me
Two of my breaks have overrun (one because somebody was crying on me)
I have done circuits for the first time in ages (primarily so I could talk to the people who were attending circuits afterwards - but oh my wow does it feel good to do that many squats again...)
I am now sleepy, and my legs ache (note to self: just because you're showing people how to do the stretches you've missed out doesn't mean you should just do them for 2 or 3 seconds til they get the idea cos oh yeh it hurts when you don't do them properly - that's why you're showing them!!)
I have bought an excessive amount of food
And then just the small issue of my first exam...

Ah well - just the life of a finalist I guess.

Wednesday 23 April 2008

Random habits of mine

I'm discovering that the more stressed I get, the more random habits I develop. Not that I didn't have plenty to begin with:


  • I never get into the shower and then turn it on - I only ever step into running water.
  • When I switch pens, I don't put the pen I'm writing with down, I hold it between my teeth.
  • I cannot stand to have one hand wet or greasy or slimy and not the other. Not that that's usually a problem, but it does happen!
  • Currently when I sleep, I do so with my arms between my legs, crossed, so that each palm pushes against the opposite thigh. I'm also completely unable to sleep without some kind of pressure (duvet is best!)

Tuesday 22 April 2008

Library Low-Down

Well it's starting to get a bit hectic - I've just taken an unscheduled break because the atmosphere in this place is a bit of a nightmare. Everyone's back now - including random errant freshers who think they have a hope in hell of getting a desk...


New Girl is in there every morning at 8. To begin with I just thought she was beating me in slightly - maybe getting there at 5 to 9 or just plain on time, as I've been 5 or 10 minutes late recently. But when I came in super early to get some work done (before 8!!) she turned up bang on the dot of 8. Some people are just crazy


Panicky guy works the longest hours of anybody. One of the girls in the library is obviously his flat mate - apparently he doesn't come home until 1 in the morning some nights. I knew he was working late (sometimes I go on until 10 when I'm staying at OtherHalf's) but this is really a whole new level


Stressy makes a big huff any time anybody gets up to get anything or go to the loo or something. She comes in late (10 or even 11) and leaves early (4 or 5 most days) but while she's in the library she's chained to her desk, and boy does she make a fuss if other people make noise. Despite this, she doesn't put her phone on silent, and she answers it and then walks out of the library.


Rugby guy likes to make out like he's doing no work. He makes jokes and does impressions (although usually pretty quietly) but he's still there every day until 6 or 7.

Cox (I mentioned her before...) keeps herself to herself, but drinks a lot of tea (only really noticeable because she has to keep going to Starbucks to get it)

Scientist has post-its all over her desk. She only ever takes breaks of about 10 minutes, and she looks terrified every time she can't find something in a text book. She also, I have noticed, always wears matching clothes. By this point almost everybody else lives in jeans and a hoody, or a tracksuit, or something similarly no-thought-involved-ish. But she still coordinates! Ah well, priorities I suppose...

Everybody is becoming more territorial. Everybody is working longer hours. Everybody is looking a little more harrowed with every minute that passes... and I've just wasted 30 mins sat out here trying to get it out of my system.... hmmmm

Monday 21 April 2008

Dying for a fag

For the last week I have been absolutely gagging for a cigarette.

First, I was stood waiting for some mates outside our local Chinese. I was there for 30 mins+ waiting. (Well they tried to call to say they'd be 15 minutes late, but didn't get through, then were later than 15 minutes, and I was a bit early). You just feel like such a moron stood there waiting... I wanted something to do with my hands. Something to cling to.

Then there's the smell of it. Especially in this rainy weather where everyone stays close and huddles. Most of all the menthols. I remember them. Like smoking water. But just the tobacco smell. All safe and warm and comforting.

Which leads me onto the stress. Less than a week and I shall be viva-ing away and the thought completely terrifies me. I just want to wrap myself in tobacco smoke and let the world drift away on it.

The irony is that I've never been a smoker. Not really. Socially. To keep my best friend company. Out of curiosity. But I've smoked one in my whole time at university. Just one. And I haven't smoked regularly since I was 17. But right now I could kill for it.

Being the assistant

Man I'm hacked off!
I don't mind being an assistant coach, and just doing the odd training session as and when I'm needed.
I also don't mind being an assistant coach who just takes the 2nds or the 3rds and puts them through their paces.
But if you give me a team, and tell them they're mine, and then I have to sort out their faff of a training schedule, and take time out of going to the gym, and take time off work to do technical sessions in the middle of the day then you do not email me just as I'm going to bed to tell me that actually you're going to coach them tomorrow and I'm not needed.
It pisses me off.
It messes up my day (e.g. if I haven't bothered to wash my gym kit as I know I can't go to the gym as I'll be with them).
It completely undermines me as a coach.
And it messes with my training program!

Saturday 19 April 2008

Pudding makes everything better...

Today has been a bit of a rubbish day. For one thing I've been hungry all day. Even though I've had real meals :(
Last mock exam this morning - went ok I think. Hopefully scraped a 2i on it.
I'm so unbelievably tired.
And I had a stupid fight with a friend. Or not a friend. It's reached the point of him starting pointless arguments and me trying to stay calm that I've concluded I just don't want to be around him anymore. Thankfully there's no real reason to except social situations, and he's not really a part of my uni group of friends - so there's no real need to see him for a while. I just don't want to be around someone who makes me feel shit when I'm trying to concentrate on exams y'know?
I just got all depressed and mopey this afternoon. Cheered myself up a bit by buying a CD from a busker (ridiculous I know, but I've heard him a few times and he plays lots of my comfort music (Comfort music - being rather like comfort food - is music that I find reassuring; nostalgic; mellow... a combination of things that my parents used to play on the many-hour drive to my grandparents, and pop hits from the years I was in sixth form, and old folky type tunes like Eva Cassidy). Anyway I bought this CD and then managed to get all mopey again.

But I had a pack of stale hot cross buns in the cupboard and I've just seen that Jamie Oliver Sainsbury's advert again so I made this:
It's hot cross buns with marmalade and custard. Now I'm all full and sleepy and it's hard to tell yourself that nobody likes you when you're full and sleepy. Not impossible... but it is difficult.

Friday 18 April 2008

The day is not going well

My extended essay is handed in - I should be happy (even if I spent a fortune on proper binding because I couldn't find any of those cheap acetate covers). But today is not going well. I've lost my gym card (I think at the gym) which means I can't get in to LOOK for it - Issue. This bizarre growth thing on my foot is getting bigger and hurting. And I've achieved zero in terms of work today :-S

Thursday 17 April 2008

... Now!

Just going to hand in my (not-)extended essay (2990 words) and viva abstract (468 words)
So glad they're finally under the limits!!

Wednesday 16 April 2008

Boots Expert




I have been really impressed recently with the Boots "Expert" range. It's essentially Tesco Value for skin care and hygeine. Now normally, while not being a Value/Basic snob, I wouldn't be wanting to stick something that's as cheap as it comes on my skin (cos I break out EASY!)




But I got some of the facewipes as they're easy to throw in a bag and do my face with after the gym (as my big bottle of clearasil won't fit in my little gym wash kit). And then a female friend who knows about such things told me that the problem with my skin was that I didn't moisturise. And everybody, everywhere, in the whole wide world needed to moisturise. So one day I got some moisturiser... And while my skin still isn't amazing, it doesn't seem to be falling off in sheets either... which is nice. So I may have to keep buying this Boots Value/Basic/Expert stuff...

Misinformation

My pet hate (always really, but especially now when stuff is getting on my nerves) is misinformation. I am well aware that the media blow everything out of proportion, but some of the things I care most about are completely misunderstood because of the utter tripe spouted by the popular press, and people's fear.

Some of the BIG things that annoy me at the moment are people not understanding:
  • Evolution (seriously, I have no bones with creationists - but when the vast majority of the Christian world sees Genesis as allegorical it doesn't help us if you just write off Evolution as "monkey business" or something. By all means provide a theological reason why you can't square with it - but implying that it's a big conspiracy theory is ridiculous)
  • Christianity (in particular people who misunderstand the nature of the Gospels, people who misunderstand the church's stance on homosexuality, and people who just write off the whole life style without having a clue what it's about. By all means be an atheist. By all means tell me that religion is for you and that you don't need to read the Bible to know you don't believe in God. That's fine. What's NOT fine is telling me that I'm stupid and that the whole thing is incongruous when you haven't got a clue what it's about!)
  • Genetic Modification (of crop plants) (Once you put a gene in a plant it is NOT coming out, it is NOT going into any other plant and it is NOT going to kill you)

I feel some more "Misunderstanding" blog posts coming on...

Gah!

Argh! My extended essay is due in in TWO DAYS. 45 hours to be precise. It is written, but still has not been seen by an area specialist, and is around 50 words over the word limit. I know I should look at it and rewrite the utterly crap conclusion, but it'll be LOTS of time for VERY little benefit unless I have a brain wave so I'm just ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

My viva is in NINE DAYS. Also terrifying. I've done none of the extra reading I'd planned - I'm just flying by the seat of my pants.

I've also started to get really narky about having slightly too long nails. Everytime I type unless it's too fast to feel I set my teeth on edge as the nails hit the keys.

I've begun freaking out about the weirdest things - like being able to feel my pulse. It drives me up the wall and then I claw at myself until it hurts enough to not feel it anymore. That's sick right?

I've lost the ability to spell: any letters on the bottom row of the keyboard are used interchangably. And I use words that sound like other words. And I move words around in a sentence. And transplant letters....

I'm going crazy

Friday 11 April 2008

People at the gym

It's quite nice really... I've got to a stage where there are certain people who are always in the gym, who I can nod to and smile and and say hi to. We know what each other does, can tell when we're having an off day, and have a kind of camaraderie. So let's see.... there's:

Running guy - Running guy is probably in his 50s but he's slim built. Every day he comes into the gym and runs at about 13km for at least half an hour. Sometimes faster. He'll run until the sweat is literally flying off him, and he can hardly breathe and then he sits down on the treadmill. He'll then do some cycling or something. I hope I'm that fit when I'm in my 50s.

Asian girl - Asian girl only comes to the gym for 2 or 3 days in a row, and then disappears for about 10 days. I guess maybe she went home for easter and then got busy or something, cos it's certainly not that she can't cope with it. She lifts some pretty darn heavy weights for a girl, and then jogs, but apparently nothing else.

Bearded guy - Bearded guy is one of the few really quite old people who still seems to be able to work. He jogs and rows, admittedly not very hard, but enough that he's clearly out of breath. He obviously doesn't mind working at his limits (many older people seem to just come and walk a lot... personally I'd rather go around the parks if I were just walking!) He has a really weird rowing technique though: he curls his wrists around at least 90 degrees at back stops... v weird!

Admin lady - Admin lady may not actually be an admin lady... but she's just got that look about her. She always comes out of the gym wearing a suit and black tights in a generally officious sort of way, so she's clearly not a mature student, but equally I've never seen a lecturer or tutor dress in a suit - only ever the staff that work in the office. She walks on the treadmill, and walks on the cross trainer. She's there almost every day, but never seems to break a sweat

Hardcore Rower - Harcore Rower has disappeared at the moment - maybe he's gone home. For the last few weeks though he's turned up every day at 7:25, and still been erging when I leave at 8:15. He's great if you want to lock into somebody... never moves from 20 spm. EVER.

Skiing Girls - These two are by no means regulars, but I mention them anyway. They are the ones that started the judgemental rant. They turn up in their "Snowsport" hoodies (hence: skiier) and generally faff for 40 minutes before leaving. One of them is ok: she'll just go on a cross trainer doing resistance work for 30 minutes, and then maybe have a jog to warm down. The other does literally less than 10 minutes on every machine before getting bored and moving on. She spends the whole time looking at everyone else, and it bugs the hell out of me.

Speedy guy - Speedy Guy is bald, and always wears a baseball cap (which I admit to finding slightly odd). He does everything really fast. Like when he does weights, I assumed for ages he was just doing a warm up set as the machine goes BANG BANG BANG with about half a second's interval in between. Like he's doing it with no weight on at all. But the other day I used a machine after him and he had a good 40kg on there... crazy stuff. He mainly cross trains: at about 225 steps per minute!! It's insane... He's always there doing situps on the mats when I arrive, then he comes and does weights, and then he goes on his crazy cross training binge...

That's most of the regulars... there are some other people who are there sufficient for me to know who they are: The indian guy with the worst rowing technique I've ever seen, the slightly chunky rower who comes about once a week... Oh and one of the girls from the library (remember Bootylicious?) has started to come too... which is a bit odd (I notice people more when I know them) but alright to have someone to chat to.

Wednesday 9 April 2008

Urgh

I'm ill. Again. I had flu 6 weeks ago, so you'd think I'd be immune to the common cold for a while but apparently not. This may explain my paranoid insecure raging on Saturday...

It's now less than 2 weeks until my extended essay is due in, and less than 3 until my viva (Insert silent scream HERE).

I'm really really tired, cos of this dreaded lergy trying to kill me - but I can't afford to not be working now!! I'm still managing to keep my library hours, but today I actually skipped the gym, as I felt too rough to even cycle my bike, so figured that an hour or two of hardcore training might not be the best plan.

So... plans for the next 2 weeks:
* Find someone, anyone, to read my bloody essay and tell me how to make it better
* Improve viva presentation
* Learn viva presentation
* Sleep enough to get better!!

Tuesday 8 April 2008

Misunderstandings Part 3 - GM crops

There are many topics of public interest which are blown out of proportion, or presented horribly inaccurately due to the media. We've all just seen the recent furore caused by the Daily Express' handling of the Madeleine McCann case. We're all aware of how much more attention is given to allegations of paedophilia when they're directed at teachers or scout leaders and consequently how much the media likes to exaggerate tales of paedophilia within the priesthood (which is not to say that it doesn't happen, or that it's not incredibly serious: but that they blow it massively out of proportion). Another issue, possibly not seen as so serious: in that it doesn't destroy lives - but actually no less important to my mind is that of GM crops.


By 2050 it is estimated that the world population will reach 8 or even 9 billion people. Currently, there are around 6 billion of us. We're actually looking at a 30% increase in just 40 years. Crazy! We already struggle to feed the world. Yes there are grain mountains and milk lakes... but even if they were used we would still be pushing it somewhat to feed each and every one of the 3 billion people currently living on less than 2 dollars a day. Or even to just help the 1.6 billion who live on less than a dollar a day.


An increase in people means an increase in food needed: and right now we're looking at a major deficit. There are many reasons to take GM farming seriously, but the prospect of a starving world provides more motivation than most things.


So what does GM mean?

Genetic Modification or Genetic Engineering is the insertion (or deletion) of genes into a plant genome (the package of DNA that the plant uses as an instruction manual for building proteins). There are two main methods for this: one is using a plasmid, taken up by Agrobacterium tumefaciens - a plant pathogen, which creates a tumour and adds its own DNA to the plant's; or you can fire it in using a special gun with golden bullets coated in DNA.



But surely anything could happen?

Well, in the most science fiction world possibly yes it could. But the fact is that we're not just adding genes at random - we're selecting useful genes for their function, and adding them. You're giving the plant an extra set of instructions and all it can do is follow them. So if you give it the gene for a blue pigment all it can do with that gene is make that blue pigment. It can't magically grow legs and run away because the gene doesn't tell it to do that.

In many ways GM is actually "safer" than conventional selective breeding. In the past we've mixed 2 whole different genomes (imagine mixing wheat and rice - although really we're breeding species more closely related than those) whereas now we are taking one single gene, the function of which we already know, and only adding that.


But is it morally ok to mix and match genes from different organisms?

Well to start with, the genes aren't usually from vastly different organisms. In the olden days we used to find a plant with a good trait (say a higher yield) and then breed the plants to move the gene. The same thing is done now, only with GM. As plants have been bred for yield and size, often useful genes such as disease resistance have been lost, so GM is used to put them back. This has been done with e.g. wild wheat and Inca wheat with domestic wheat.

Secondly, unlike most animal species, plant species are actually relatively easy to hybridise. We've been creating plants that came from 2 different plants to begin with for years and years anyway - most of the Brassicas (oil seed rape, cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, mustard etc) are either hybrids themselves, or have been hybridised to make more crops. This way is just faster.

Thirdly, genes from a completely different organism (such as the genes from Erwinia in golden rice) are actually very rare. Normally we're switching genes between plants, which is far less strange if you ask me.

Finally: if you're going to talk about moral obligations, how morally right is it to supress a technology that could safely feed the entire world. Forget about giving up meat, and irrigation, and all the other ways we're fighting tooth and nail to get enough grain to feed the world. Hand me some GM and off we go. Same goes for fighting Vitamin A and Iron deficiency in Asia with specially developed rice strains.

Is it morally questionable to mix and match species?
Possibly - although we've done the same thing with domestication for the last 10 000 years.

Is it morally questionable to let 4 billion people starve?
I'd hazard that at a resounding yes, personally!

Ok so it's rare. What about those rare cases when it does happen? Couldn't the gene escape? Could it be passed to humans?

No. Absolutely not. At all. Think about a carrot: it's orange because it has genes for carotenoids (a type of antioxidant). No matter how many carrots you eat you will not pick up that gene yourself and start making carotenoids, and turn orange. The only way to get those genes into a human would be for you to have sex with the carrot and have fertile offspring. Not really gonna happen.

What about plants of the same species that aren't GM?

That is actually one of the very few real risks, and it's why GM crops have to be a certain distance from non-GM crops of the same species. Even then, it depends a lot on the plant. Something like maize has heavy fat pollen that literally gets about 10m before it falls on the floor. It's why we plant maize in fat squares, not long strips. Unless there's a mini-hurricaine that pollen isn't getting anywhere near the next field!


And here ends the FB summary to GM

Saturday 5 April 2008

Can't have everything

The last 2 weeks have been very strange. Suddenly people know my name. People nod at me. People say hi. People ask how I am and stop for a chat. People I've known for the last 3 years, who've never wanted to know me. Working in the library, going to the common room at lunch because it's too far to go home, and too expensive to eat out, and I don't like eating my packed lunch on the steps of hte library... suddenly I've become one of them. Not totally. Not socialising. But... I'm not an outcast.

So I guess that meme that as soon as you sort out one part of your life, another will go wrong is right. I've barely seen OtherHalf since we got back after easter. We've both been working hard, haven't made the time... Went out last night, needing to talk, needing to be reassured, feeling scared. Ignored. Totally. Seems I've lost the ability to be social with people I don't know. Felt so isolated. So lost. Don't know how to articulate that I feel I'm being left behind.

Nightmare conversation keeps happening.

So what are you two gonna do next year?

Ah well things will probably move apart and eventually we'll let it go.

What?! But how can you be in a relationship now if you don't think it'll
carry on? You can't care about each other at all...


I hate that line. Yes I care. I care a lot. I care so much it hurts. But I'm going to be pragmatic about this. Of course I'll fight. Of course I'll hold on. But not every couple are madly in love and dreaming of 2.4 kids.

Some of them are close friends, who enjoy each other's company, and fancy each other. But one of them isn't in love. And the future is uncertain. And they're not strong enough to give up on their dreams just to be together. But for now they work. For now they make each other happy. For now. I think maybe I'm the one pulling away. So scared of being left behind I'm withdrawing, and now it's being noticed. I just can't bear the thought of being left if I'm in love. I'd rather just care an awful lot... love even... but not be in love. Y'know?

Tuesday 1 April 2008

Broken mirror on the floor

Right now, I rather feel as though my degree is in pieces.
My extended essay is due for submission in just over 2 weeks.
My viva is in just over three.
I have had zero feedback regarding either from either supervisor.
My "moral" tutor has just managed to spectacularly fuck up by not sending a reference he promised me some 2 weeks ago, and subsequently removing any chance of me being considered for my dream job. He too, despite having agreed to read my essay has failed to do it.
The essay is weak. My points aren't well argued. It's not critical. The conclusion... is aimless.
I have no idea if my presentation is any good or not. It feels too broad. Other people seem to be revising extra stuff - I was just expecting questions about the content of the presentation itself. I feel as though the world is crashing down slightly.

Having looked at the mark scheme, the best I'm likely to achieve for either is a high 2:2... a 59. Hopefully within the next 2 weeks some wonderful fairy godmother will come help me and I can scrape into the 2:1 bracket - but right now it's not looking promising at all. I can't afford to flunk these - these are what's meant to be keeping my average grade up to make up for the summer exams.

And I've run out of people to turn to. :-S