Celibacy

So I've made a pact. A sort of pact. Not quite a vow. And maybe I shouldn't be writing about it, since it's really between me and God. But I'm not going to tell anybody in RL. And maybe if I write it here it'll serve as a reminder, and keep me on track.

I'm swearing off sex.

Not that I'm having sex at the moment, obviously. But I'm swearing off thinking about it, and talking about it, and fantasising, and the odd first thing in the morning lying there in arousal type thing.

I've never been that sure what my views on sex are. I was never really brought up to be told that it was bad. My family was quite liberal. And before I really found God, it seemed to make sense that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with one person, it was ok to have sex with them first. So don't judge me as some sort of milky-white, not in the real world, naive little Christian.

But I've always felt guilty. I've never really masturbated, as the idea of putting my hands down there has just seemed a bit weird. Not arousing in the slightest. I've fantasised, and I've learned that crossing my legs puts enough pressure for it to feel nice... but it's always felt weird. And growing up, fooling around... I was always left with the feeling this was wrong. Part of this, I'm reliably informed, is largely down to some slightly weird stuff when I was a kid. As I've grown up it's got better... but now I guess I have problems in a different way.

I think, and I obsess, and I have trouble with the idea of somebody not wanting me. OtherHalf is much better at this than me: more practice I guess. It's strange, because I like being in a sex-less relationship. I like being able to be naked and not worry. And I like the close midnight cuddles with no hidden agenda. I like that that could start as soon as we became a couple, without worries about what the other person would think. But sometimes I want to be noticed. And sometimes it hurts me that my nakedness isn't arousing. Strange huh?

So I'm swearing off... and maybe I'll be a better person for it.