Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Hmmm I'm beginning to think the few no-location weird IP addresses that keep coming back are bots... that's a shame.

Anyway, I'm still getting pretty worried about how unbelievably angry I keep getting, although I'm not sure this week did much to help. I mean... well there's was the time when I finally managed to catch up with my friends, as opposed to the people I was rooming with, and mentioned more than a couple of times how awful it was being stuck with people who clearly didn't want me around, only to find that right after our next mass they disappeared off without me. I wouldn't have minded so much if Wino had offered so much as an apology when I saw them back at the hotel later that night, but instead I just got told that she'd texted me from the metro when they "realised" I wasn't there (NB that my phone had no signal the whole time we were in France and she knew this) and that I was over reacting. Cue anger.

Then there was the time I got put on an escalator at a metro station, which promptly turned out to be the wrong one. By the time I got to the top and back down again they'd left. So I was alone. In a big station. Trying to find my way back to England. In a country where I speak literally none of the language. And yet again this was just "not a big deal". I mean man alive am I just subhuman or are my friends really just a bunch of little shits?

I'm sick of being this twisted up, angry, ranty little person. This was never me. Always the organiser, always the comforter, always dying a little inside but never this angry. I think my 'Academic New Years' resolution is going to be to bottle this more. If I carry on this way I'll never have any friends at all. Although maybe that's a good thing - maybe I need to learn to just be me and suck it up. I'm sick of waiting to be validated by other people.

Back and angry

Well I'm back in the country. Feeling all the usual post-tour things. Except this year there's no need to look for a new choir because uh oh yeah I'm leaving.

Plenty to rile me up back here anyway. Not least of all the stupid stupid decision of the C of E to ordain women bishops without making any provision at all for the huge part of the church that believes this is not just misguided but wrong. I'll rant about this in full another time, but to put this in perspective 30 years ago there weren't so much as women deacons, yet alone priests. In 30 years 2000 years of tradition has been overturned - bit odd isn't it.

In typical OtherHalf style I've heard nothing, despite having been gone for 8 days but I'm kinda past the point where that worries me right now - odd, seeing as I screwed up my meds while I was away.

But anyway, full discussion of bishops, my time away, and the world in general to come shortly.

Tuesday, 1 July 2008


I know my flatmate's results.
And I know he doesn't want to be told.
But I also know he wants to know.
But he's not here, and they'll take days to appear on line.
Oh man...

Everybody! IndieKid got a 2:1 in English!

Monday, 30 June 2008

Kinda hard to believe it's all over now. CrazyGuy and IndieKid are both gone. The flat is clean. I'm just waiting to leave. I've got my results, although they're both still waiting on there's.

I want to keep this going - need to put all my randomly collated advice somewhere. And odds and ends about looking for a professional house. And jobs. And life after... Applying for PhDs... Lots of stuff really.

Ho hum.

Feeling abandoned yet?

My lack of posting isn't due to a lack of life, it's mainly down to my computer being at my parents' house, and me uh not... I'm leaving the country on Wednesday (but will be back!) and all my stuff has gone home without me. Irritatingly my last, quite thoughtful, post appears to have disappeared! :O

So I guess I'll start with a rehashed version of that:

So the pass list is public? You mean anyone could see my degree result? But what if I did badly due to health problems?

Somewhere in the realms of student forums, a worried finalist panicked about her results. The response was candid:
Nobody's ever going to refer to you as BA Hons Lower Second Class: but her cat died on the day of her first exam.

It seems obvious - but I've begun wondering whether I don't do something very similar in the "real", non academic world. I talk about my past. A lot. My very twisted and messed up past. You may have noticed this. I had lunch with Ex about 10 days ago and had this pointed out to me. A big part of my personality involves talking about everything that came before now: the things that make me me.

But isn't it a similar kind of thing? I'm trying to justify who I am, by the circumstances that have caused it. If I'm messed up, I'm messed up. No matter what. It may help someone to know how to handle it if they know why I'm like this - but I still am. No excuses, no hiding. I'm off track, and it if hurts my relationships or my work... well knowing about the past doesn't really help does it?

Something to ponder...

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Bloody Radio 1

To pass the monotonous hours while working we have the radio on, and because commerical radio gets so annoying with the adverts after the first hour or so (I don't really mind when in the car, but for an 8 hour stint it would be crucifying) and because we're young, we listen to Radio 1. To begin with I just found it a bit weird not knowing what's in the charts at the moment, although I quickly picked it up because (apart from 2 days - yesterday, and the Monday after Download Festival finished) they only play what's in the charts.

Anyway Chris Moyles really annoys me, but he's only on for the first hour of work so we kinda cope with it. But as of yesterday the whole bloody thing annoys me. For two reasons:
  1. Despite having a separate celebrity news slot in which they could discuss this at their leisure "Amy Winehouse has a tiny bit of emphysema because she smoked too much crack" took headline billing throughout the day over the top of say "Opposition withdraw from Zimbabwean elections" or "Bodies of British troops killed in Afghanistan flown home". It's ridiculous!
  2. The only mention of the three men killed in Afghanistan was when they said that the ceremony for Cpl Sarah Bryant was small, because the three men killed with her had been in special service, and they didn't want the men who carried their coffins to be identified. Jeez how must their families be feeling?
How bloody stupid are they?! This is the BBC - meant to be the heart of moderation and good sense in British Broadcasting. And they think that it will make sufficient difference to their listener stats to be Amy Winehouse top billing.... Man alive.... It scares me that they could be right :-S

Sunday, 22 June 2008

"He lets you win pool. In front of his mates."

While staying at my best mate's last week, and while in that lazy just-got-out-of-the-shower-nobody's-at-home-cos-he's-at-work kinda place I started reading a rather tatty water stained magazine that his girlfriend must have left on the floor. Well... flicking through anyway. One of the articles was something like 30 ways to tell he secretly loves you - or similar bollocks. Said reasons included things like
  • Letting a girl win a game of pool
  • Letting her have the remote for one whole evening
  • Wearing a flowery shirt she's given you

Now, call me crazy here, but none of those things smack to me of barely-suppressed ardor. What kind of couple actually care who wins pool (other than in a desperately wanting to beat each other kind of way). And whose mates would actually care if his girlfriend beat him? Most guys I know think it's ace if a girl can play pool - mixed doubles for the win!

Similarly, I don't know about you, but when me and OtherHalf watch the TV it tends to go along the lines of

"Fancy watching the telly?" "Sure what's on?" "Uh.... University Challenge or Midsummer Murders." "Yeah, stick university challenge on then."


"Hey House is on - fancy watching it?" *nod nod*

There are few cases when we don't want to watch the same thing and we generally compromise. I can see the issue here if for instance sports are involved (but then who invites their girlfriend over when the footblal is on?! - and if she's there because she lives there then it's a little worrying if she doesn't already know he "loves" her - especially since the article doesn't seem to be talking about gonna get married and last forever love, but general "I fancy keeping you for a few years" love.) or if a girl wants to watch something... girly... I dunno - sex and the city or something. But if you're relationship is reduced to watching mindless telly that only one of you wants to see, then I don't reckon there's so much love happening anyway...

And as for the flowery shirt. Firstly, who the hell buys their man a flowery shirt. It's not the 80s, and if we assume that women have more taste than men (generally true) then it seems unlikely it'll happen. Most guys really don't care that much, and would probably wear the damn thing at least once or twice just to keep her smiling. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Get the feeling I'm displacing anxiety?