The last 2 weeks have been very strange. Suddenly people know my name. People nod at me. People say hi. People ask how I am and stop for a chat. People I've known for the last 3 years, who've never wanted to know me. Working in the library, going to the common room at lunch because it's too far to go home, and too expensive to eat out, and I don't like eating my packed lunch on the steps of hte library... suddenly I've become one of them. Not totally. Not socialising. But... I'm not an outcast.
So I guess that meme that as soon as you sort out one part of your life, another will go wrong is right. I've barely seen OtherHalf since we got back after easter. We've both been working hard, haven't made the time... Went out last night, needing to talk, needing to be reassured, feeling scared. Ignored. Totally. Seems I've lost the ability to be social with people I don't know. Felt so isolated. So lost. Don't know how to articulate that I feel I'm being left behind.
Nightmare conversation keeps happening.
So what are you two gonna do next year?
Ah well things will probably move apart and eventually we'll let it go.
What?! But how can you be in a relationship now if you don't think it'll
carry on? You can't care about each other at all...
I hate that line. Yes I care. I care a lot. I care so much it hurts. But I'm going to be pragmatic about this. Of course I'll fight. Of course I'll hold on. But not every couple are madly in love and dreaming of 2.4 kids.
Some of them are close friends, who enjoy each other's company, and fancy each other. But one of them isn't in love. And the future is uncertain. And they're not strong enough to give up on their dreams just to be together. But for now they work. For now they make each other happy. For now. I think maybe I'm the one pulling away. So scared of being left behind I'm withdrawing, and now it's being noticed. I just can't bear the thought of being left if I'm in love. I'd rather just care an awful lot... love even... but not be in love. Y'know?
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