I'm beginning to conclude that a lot of my lethargy is down to me being dehydrated and not eating right. I've started noticing that even on days when I'm at the gym I rarely drink more than a litre of water. Today I drank just 750ml. Think I'm gonna have to get some sort of system... e.g. every time I have a break down a pint of water.
I'm also not getting enough fruit and veg... well... I'm drinking smoothie every day and at the moment I'm making fruit salad. But definitely not enough vegetables. None of this "brain food"... What's meant to be good again? Oily fish I remember... grapes maybe? Shellfish... Wheatgrass... I should check this stuff out.
Monday 31 March 2008
Saturday 29 March 2008
I have... friends?
Where've you been?!
I was sat on the steps of the library, minding my own business, eating a banana.
Huh?
It was just before 9am, and I was eating breakfast, somewhat taken aback at being hailed this way by Bootylicious.
B: The last couple of days...
FB: Oh... I went home over Easter
B: Ooooooh - we were wondering where you were! See ya at lunch?
I nodded, and off she went.
There's a group of girls I've been regularly eating lunch with, this one and her flatmates. We picnic outside the library, as there's nowhere cheap nearby and nowhere worth going to eat our myriad of food (mostly salad, houmous and tuna in their case for some reason). We've been hanging out, but I hadn't really realised they would notice my absence, or comment on it if they had.
Last night I was having food at Albert's. He's pretty lonely by the looks of it: missing the boyfriend, and now his flatmates have gone home too. It was one of those lovely nights, but where you're very aware that you should be going - and while it's not one of those nights where you just can't bear to leave, the look in his eyes says stay... keep me company... and so you do. It was good though - very nice pasta bake that I'll have to get a recipe for.
And again today... I realised that now every time one of the rugby guys comes into the library he gives me a nod and an Alright? That would never have happened a couple of months ago. It seems that slowly but surely, 2 and a half years in, I've finally found some sense of belonging in this place...
I was sat on the steps of the library, minding my own business, eating a banana.
Huh?
It was just before 9am, and I was eating breakfast, somewhat taken aback at being hailed this way by Bootylicious.
B: The last couple of days...
FB: Oh... I went home over Easter
B: Ooooooh - we were wondering where you were! See ya at lunch?
I nodded, and off she went.
There's a group of girls I've been regularly eating lunch with, this one and her flatmates. We picnic outside the library, as there's nowhere cheap nearby and nowhere worth going to eat our myriad of food (mostly salad, houmous and tuna in their case for some reason). We've been hanging out, but I hadn't really realised they would notice my absence, or comment on it if they had.
Last night I was having food at Albert's. He's pretty lonely by the looks of it: missing the boyfriend, and now his flatmates have gone home too. It was one of those lovely nights, but where you're very aware that you should be going - and while it's not one of those nights where you just can't bear to leave, the look in his eyes says stay... keep me company... and so you do. It was good though - very nice pasta bake that I'll have to get a recipe for.
And again today... I realised that now every time one of the rugby guys comes into the library he gives me a nod and an Alright? That would never have happened a couple of months ago. It seems that slowly but surely, 2 and a half years in, I've finally found some sense of belonging in this place...
Friday 28 March 2008
Rain, rain, go away...
Yeuch. The weather right now is disgusting. A couple of days back I left the house early to go to the gym (yeh yeh, so that's every day!) and it was sorta overcast but not rainy, and it looked like the sky had run out of rain. So I chanced it and went coatless. Big mistake. It HEAVED it down - and it was just lucky that when I finally decided to chance it and cycle home (after all I can do it in less than 15 minutes and there were dry clothes here) I had to hang around and wait for someone, and in the 15 minutes it took him to turn up the rain suddenly magically stopped. It pissed it down all day and then it was over!
Next day was BEAUTIFUL weather: not just not raining, it was sunny! Of course today the rain is back and just as horrible as before - but I suppose I'll survive it *sigh*.
I've decided to get a late start tomorrow; no gym AND I'm going to the library an hour later so that makes at least an extra 2 hours in bed, probably 2.5! :O
Next day was BEAUTIFUL weather: not just not raining, it was sunny! Of course today the rain is back and just as horrible as before - but I suppose I'll survive it *sigh*.
I've decided to get a late start tomorrow; no gym AND I'm going to the library an hour later so that makes at least an extra 2 hours in bed, probably 2.5! :O
The umbrella
Somebody told me quite recently that you will never have such a good overview of your subject as you do right before finals start. Nobody quite sees how it all fits together, or can explain everything quite so well, or knows so much of the primary literature for all the bits of the subject together (obviously there are specialists) as a finalist.
I was already aware this was true to some extent - I certainly found the amount I knew before 2nd year exams was phenomenal, looking back over my notes for some cross over work makes me gasp slightly!
However what I also think you get with that, is a strong realisation of which parts of the subject you love, and which you detest. Clearly I've already got some idea - I picked my major after all ;-) But mainly I did lots of modules with the intention of figuring out later what I liked and what I would actually revise for etc. I've already ruled out a couple of useless modules (one, irritatingly that prevented me from going to some 2nd year lectures I'd mainly slept through the first time around - they've just got a MUCH better lecturer and he's so good and clear, and I missed all the ones in autumn term because this module seemed more important).
But some bits, that seemed ok-ish but not inspiring I am getting really into now that I'm bulking up on primary literature and case studies. And this one module that I took because it seemed alright at the time is just going to be so much work to get a good grade out of (very disparate, concept-driven course, they could ask us anything) and all the extra reading is just boring me.
*shrugs* C'est la vie!
I was already aware this was true to some extent - I certainly found the amount I knew before 2nd year exams was phenomenal, looking back over my notes for some cross over work makes me gasp slightly!
However what I also think you get with that, is a strong realisation of which parts of the subject you love, and which you detest. Clearly I've already got some idea - I picked my major after all ;-) But mainly I did lots of modules with the intention of figuring out later what I liked and what I would actually revise for etc. I've already ruled out a couple of useless modules (one, irritatingly that prevented me from going to some 2nd year lectures I'd mainly slept through the first time around - they've just got a MUCH better lecturer and he's so good and clear, and I missed all the ones in autumn term because this module seemed more important).
But some bits, that seemed ok-ish but not inspiring I am getting really into now that I'm bulking up on primary literature and case studies. And this one module that I took because it seemed alright at the time is just going to be so much work to get a good grade out of (very disparate, concept-driven course, they could ask us anything) and all the extra reading is just boring me.
*shrugs* C'est la vie!
Tuesday 25 March 2008
Maybe I should be controversial more often...
Today I have got 60 hits. That's a week's worth in one day.
On the one hand, it's nice to get some traffic. Maybe somebody will keep reading
On the other hand, it's mainly because I posted something similar to my Judgmental post on a forum to see if other people felt the same.
Instead I got flamed and suddenly nothing I could say was right.
Some guy told me to go suck cock because I pointed out that eating 600g of protein a day couldn't be good for a normal person (I even pointed out I had no idea how this would relate to a weight lifter, who was actually using that much protein).
So yeh... I am thinking I might take a few posts down, as I really don't want jerks like that reading some of my stuff; and maybe I'll be less controversial in future :(
On the one hand, it's nice to get some traffic. Maybe somebody will keep reading
On the other hand, it's mainly because I posted something similar to my Judgmental post on a forum to see if other people felt the same.
Instead I got flamed and suddenly nothing I could say was right.
Some guy told me to go suck cock because I pointed out that eating 600g of protein a day couldn't be good for a normal person (I even pointed out I had no idea how this would relate to a weight lifter, who was actually using that much protein).
So yeh... I am thinking I might take a few posts down, as I really don't want jerks like that reading some of my stuff; and maybe I'll be less controversial in future :(
Sunday 23 March 2008
Celibacy
So I've made a pact. A sort of pact. Not quite a vow. And maybe I shouldn't be writing about it, since it's really between me and God. But I'm not going to tell anybody in RL. And maybe if I write it here it'll serve as a reminder, and keep me on track.
I'm swearing off sex.
Not that I'm having sex at the moment, obviously. But I'm swearing off thinking about it, and talking about it, and fantasising, and the odd first thing in the morning lying there in arousal type thing.
I've never been that sure what my views on sex are. I was never really brought up to be told that it was bad. My family was quite liberal. And before I really found God, it seemed to make sense that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with one person, it was ok to have sex with them first. So don't judge me as some sort of milky-white, not in the real world, naive little Christian.
But I've always felt guilty. I've never really masturbated, as the idea of putting my hands down there has just seemed a bit weird. Not arousing in the slightest. I've fantasised, and I've learned that crossing my legs puts enough pressure for it to feel nice... but it's always felt weird. And growing up, fooling around... I was always left with the feeling this was wrong. Part of this, I'm reliably informed, is largely down to some slightly weird stuff when I was a kid. As I've grown up it's got better... but now I guess I have problems in a different way.
I think, and I obsess, and I have trouble with the idea of somebody not wanting me. OtherHalf is much better at this than me: more practice I guess. It's strange, because I like being in a sex-less relationship. I like being able to be naked and not worry. And I like the close midnight cuddles with no hidden agenda. I like that that could start as soon as we became a couple, without worries about what the other person would think. But sometimes I want to be noticed. And sometimes it hurts me that my nakedness isn't arousing. Strange huh?
So I'm swearing off... and maybe I'll be a better person for it.
I'm swearing off sex.
Not that I'm having sex at the moment, obviously. But I'm swearing off thinking about it, and talking about it, and fantasising, and the odd first thing in the morning lying there in arousal type thing.
I've never been that sure what my views on sex are. I was never really brought up to be told that it was bad. My family was quite liberal. And before I really found God, it seemed to make sense that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with one person, it was ok to have sex with them first. So don't judge me as some sort of milky-white, not in the real world, naive little Christian.
But I've always felt guilty. I've never really masturbated, as the idea of putting my hands down there has just seemed a bit weird. Not arousing in the slightest. I've fantasised, and I've learned that crossing my legs puts enough pressure for it to feel nice... but it's always felt weird. And growing up, fooling around... I was always left with the feeling this was wrong. Part of this, I'm reliably informed, is largely down to some slightly weird stuff when I was a kid. As I've grown up it's got better... but now I guess I have problems in a different way.
I think, and I obsess, and I have trouble with the idea of somebody not wanting me. OtherHalf is much better at this than me: more practice I guess. It's strange, because I like being in a sex-less relationship. I like being able to be naked and not worry. And I like the close midnight cuddles with no hidden agenda. I like that that could start as soon as we became a couple, without worries about what the other person would think. But sometimes I want to be noticed. And sometimes it hurts me that my nakedness isn't arousing. Strange huh?
So I'm swearing off... and maybe I'll be a better person for it.
Wednesday 19 March 2008
Hair musings
I'm going home over easter so may as well get a haircut since it's cheaper outside of the city. My hair is now long enough that not only CAN I tie it up but I really NEED to. So the question is, do I shear it all off, or go for the long-haired look? I've never really tried to grow it but I guess now could be the time to try. The thing is how do you make long hair look interesting? Not that I'm a big hair person. Not that I'm a hair person at all. But short hair you can do something with wax or gel... When it gets long it just seems to lie flat. Thoughts? On a postcard?
Tuesday 18 March 2008
Judgmental
I'm beginning to think I'm a rather judgmental person.
It's not a character trait that I like.
Not in the general sort of way. I don't judge people based on their lifestyle choices, and especially not on their religion (but that's a whole new post: reasons why I don't evangelise).
So where DO I judge people? In the gym.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I'm not as thin as I should be; I'm not as muscley; and I can't run for as long or as fast as I'd like. But then that's part of the problem. In much the same way that psychologists have been telling us for years that the things we detest most in others are often our own worst faults, I judge others for the biggest problems that I have overcome.
There are mainly two things, although a minor third:
Firstly, I judge people who don't go to the gym until I am leaving. Going to the gym in the afternoon or evening is just fine - it's scheduled. But if, as I am leaving the gym at 8:40 you are just arriving then clearly you're either lazy or you have nothing to be doing. I judge them because I got up at half 6 to be at the gym when it opens (yeh student gyms don't open before 7) and I judge them because I know they won't be in the library at 9am. Now of course you could judge me for only being in the gym for an hour and 15 mins, but I would pointout that that's all I can manage in between opening and library time and unless I start working at 7 and go to the gym in the evening then there's no other option.
Similarly I judge people who just finish really really early. The other day I was swimming behind this REALLY slow woman. Now I was quite tired so didn't really feel like getting in the middle lane (although later I did - finished a mile in 45 minutes and was very proud!) but she was going so slowly. Now I got in the pool sometime between 7:10 and 7:15 and by 7:25 we'd done 14 lenghts. Like I said - slow. But then at 7:25 she got out!! Now even assuming she was in the pool the minute it opened at 7 she must have swum for a maximum of 25 minutes, and going at about a length a minute, that means realistically she didn't swim more than 500m. What is the point in that?! I can see people who knock off a quick 1k and are out by 7:30 or shortly after, but if you're a slow swimmer then why swim for such a short period of time?!
Secondly, I judge people who can't stick on machines. I get bored really easily, which is why I often work out to spoken tapes or musicals (a bizarre but interesting habit I recommend you take up - very good for very long very boring ergs or runs). So it's taken me a long time to be able to last for a decent amount of time on a treadmill. If I'm splitting my time in the gym 2 or 3 ways (so probably doing maybe 30 mins on a treadmill) and 10 mins in somebody comesand joins me, and then they get off before I'm done then I judge them. Because I'm judging myself for only being able to run for 30 minutes. And I judge them for being not even as good as I am!
I guess it's like the syndrom of women with low self esteem who pick bastards as boyfriends. Because "If a guy likes a loser like me, he can't possibly be any good, right? Schmuck." If they're not as good as me, then they must be crap.
The last thing I judge people for is bad technique, although to a lesser extent. I know there's a lot of uni athletes in the gym so sometimes it's embarassing to ask for help. Which is exactly why I don't do free weights. So I don't judge too much. But when I see people rowing really really badly I just think, at any one time there are at least 2 serious rowers on those machines. Surely you can see what you're doing is wrong? Just copy them!!!
So yeh... rant over... What do you judge people in the gym for?
Monday 17 March 2008
Invaders!
There are new people in the library!! Except they're not that new... they're some friends. We were hanging out last night and all of them were complaining about not doing enough work and wanting a library and I happened to mention the lack of people in mine right now. Big mistake. On two counts:
One, although I told them which desks "belong" to people who will be in later today, and which belong to those who have gone home, I'm worried that people will come back before these friends have gone home and be really annoyed. (Seriously, finalists are possessive - look at me!)
Two, I think they may destroy my work ethic. The people that usually work in here are all quite hardcore, and I guess I've become hardcore by comparison. Mathmo looked at me in shock horror when she asked what hours I usually keep and I said 9-7 unless I've got nothing in the evening, when I might just carry on. Once I explained I was still working on the extended essay she seemed less freaked but still.
The guys that are normally in here, although they come in after me (maybe around 10) are nose to the grindstone for the whole time they're here, and always look up if you get up etc so it encourages me to work (although sometimes in a bad way - e.g. get back from doing some stuff in the computer lab; sit down to work; realise I have no water in my bottle but have to wait at least 20 mins to get up again to fill it because I'm so embarassed about crashing around distracting people. Wino has got us scheduling tea breaks. I'm hoping I can get away with getting take away tea and just staying for a little bit. At least I managed to put my foot down and say I'm the only one with a revision timetable, so we'll be sticking to my plan of when the breaks are!
Gah... will probably write again later... lots of people watching this morning! Ooh and today I swam my first 45 minute mile (don't judge me, I'm slow and swim breaststroke - it's a big deal for me!)
One, although I told them which desks "belong" to people who will be in later today, and which belong to those who have gone home, I'm worried that people will come back before these friends have gone home and be really annoyed. (Seriously, finalists are possessive - look at me!)
Two, I think they may destroy my work ethic. The people that usually work in here are all quite hardcore, and I guess I've become hardcore by comparison. Mathmo looked at me in shock horror when she asked what hours I usually keep and I said 9-7 unless I've got nothing in the evening, when I might just carry on. Once I explained I was still working on the extended essay she seemed less freaked but still.
The guys that are normally in here, although they come in after me (maybe around 10) are nose to the grindstone for the whole time they're here, and always look up if you get up etc so it encourages me to work (although sometimes in a bad way - e.g. get back from doing some stuff in the computer lab; sit down to work; realise I have no water in my bottle but have to wait at least 20 mins to get up again to fill it because I'm so embarassed about crashing around distracting people. Wino has got us scheduling tea breaks. I'm hoping I can get away with getting take away tea and just staying for a little bit. At least I managed to put my foot down and say I'm the only one with a revision timetable, so we'll be sticking to my plan of when the breaks are!
Gah... will probably write again later... lots of people watching this morning! Ooh and today I swam my first 45 minute mile (don't judge me, I'm slow and swim breaststroke - it's a big deal for me!)
Sunday 16 March 2008
What is the world blogging about? - Part 3
Urgh - I have cabin fever! I've been in the library for just over 2 hours... maybe like 2 hr 20 min... and I am so unbelievably restless. I told myself I'd just finish this last set of lecture notes and then have a break, and then go back to my extended essay, but in the end I couldn't hack it and I left. Grr!
So anyway two blogs for this week:
Sac Town Guy who is like some big hotshot lawyer guy... makes me feel better about my masochistic gym tendencies - he's in there at like 5am! Awesome
and
Maths Teacher, who is in his 3rd year of teaching now and is entertaining me with tales of his kids. Sounds a lot like some of the kids I've worked with TBH. Still trying to make up my mind whether I fancy teaching or not, so this is kinda useful!
So anyway two blogs for this week:
Sac Town Guy who is like some big hotshot lawyer guy... makes me feel better about my masochistic gym tendencies - he's in there at like 5am! Awesome
and
Maths Teacher, who is in his 3rd year of teaching now and is entertaining me with tales of his kids. Sounds a lot like some of the kids I've worked with TBH. Still trying to make up my mind whether I fancy teaching or not, so this is kinda useful!
Saturday 15 March 2008
Tomorrow was not better
It hasn't been THAT bad really... but I didn't start work until half 10 (so shoot me, I had a lie in!) and working on the same thing all day (still not finished... why is it always the end bits that take the longest time) has just been dragging me down. There are still 3 more workable hours in the day and I'm so tempted to just pack it in and go home. Do some laundry, do some washing up, watch some TV... anything to convince myself that I'm being productive.
On the upside: I have readers!
I put that stupid post counter in just to see how many people were occasionally stumbling across me and in the last week it's suddenly JUMPED! Somebody is actually reading my ranting!! Makes me feel quite special hehe :) Feel free to comment just to say hi!
In other news the library is getting lonely now... everyone is going home for Easter. There are three of us still left in there out of the original 10, although I'm not sure they've all gone home: a couple have been having major dissertation stress for a Friday deadline (I never thought I could be so calm, and giving advice, and lending staplers and hole punches and things) so I think they may just be taking the weekend off to recover. But at least 2 of them have definitely gone, and it just seems so quiet and lonely. Especially because the librarian doesn't turn on the lights in the rooms she's not in... so a lonely library means coming in and turning the lights on myself - just makes you feel like such a loser :-S
On the upside: I have readers!
I put that stupid post counter in just to see how many people were occasionally stumbling across me and in the last week it's suddenly JUMPED! Somebody is actually reading my ranting!! Makes me feel quite special hehe :) Feel free to comment just to say hi!
In other news the library is getting lonely now... everyone is going home for Easter. There are three of us still left in there out of the original 10, although I'm not sure they've all gone home: a couple have been having major dissertation stress for a Friday deadline (I never thought I could be so calm, and giving advice, and lending staplers and hole punches and things) so I think they may just be taking the weekend off to recover. But at least 2 of them have definitely gone, and it just seems so quiet and lonely. Especially because the librarian doesn't turn on the lights in the rooms she's not in... so a lonely library means coming in and turning the lights on myself - just makes you feel like such a loser :-S
Friday 14 March 2008
You've had a bad day...
Today has been a LONG day.
Some has been good... This morning I read with every kid in my class bar silent kid and one of the non-English speaking ones. Even David read a whole book today, which made me so proud! (And slightly guilty for neglecting him because I hadn't the energy to fight him to read in English).
I am nearly done on my first draft... I'm about 100 words under at the moment, but I've still got the conclusion to write, the introduction to rewrite and a section and a half in the middle. Oh and then I've got to write an abstract type thing which means I have to get rid of another 500 words. But I know not every word is a good word. There's too much waffle... interesting things I read that weren't really relevant but I wanted to put in...
So at half 10 on a Friday night I'm stopping work and going to Other Half's. Speaking of which, I keep meaning to write a nice post about Other Half. Last night in the pub (I know!! I'm having a social life!!) there was this look that I haven't seen in a few months... maybe longer. A look that said I'm happy and I'm yours and I'm proud to be yours. Sent shivers down my spine. I guess some days this blog is my journal. My ranting place. My sounding board. Don't believe everything you read... Much of it is borne out of insecurity and exhaustion and self loathing.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.
Some has been good... This morning I read with every kid in my class bar silent kid and one of the non-English speaking ones. Even David read a whole book today, which made me so proud! (And slightly guilty for neglecting him because I hadn't the energy to fight him to read in English).
I am nearly done on my first draft... I'm about 100 words under at the moment, but I've still got the conclusion to write, the introduction to rewrite and a section and a half in the middle. Oh and then I've got to write an abstract type thing which means I have to get rid of another 500 words. But I know not every word is a good word. There's too much waffle... interesting things I read that weren't really relevant but I wanted to put in...
So at half 10 on a Friday night I'm stopping work and going to Other Half's. Speaking of which, I keep meaning to write a nice post about Other Half. Last night in the pub (I know!! I'm having a social life!!) there was this look that I haven't seen in a few months... maybe longer. A look that said I'm happy and I'm yours and I'm proud to be yours. Sent shivers down my spine. I guess some days this blog is my journal. My ranting place. My sounding board. Don't believe everything you read... Much of it is borne out of insecurity and exhaustion and self loathing.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.
Thursday 13 March 2008
Why sport?
So why is it that 3 days out of 4 so far this week I've been to the gym or to the pool? What's the point?
(NB this is hypothetical - the gym is my heaven!)
I went to this How to survive Finals talk thing and something they said was that people who do excercise on average do better in their final exams. There are obvious links - being awake, endorphines, stress relief etc. But I reckon there's another reason.
Of the 10 people working in the lower room of my rather nice library (I told you it was exclusive!) three are people who I've at one time or another trained with. One is a cox, which means all the early starts and missing out on nights out, even if there's no physical exertion involved!
The only people likely to still be excercising the week before finals are people who've played sport at a relatively high level or have been effectively gym addicts for the last 2.5 years. Everybody else will have given up. That means that those people who are doing well in exams - they're not just people doing excercise, they're people who have pushed themselves and had to develop some discipline. There comes a point when you're in the gym at 6am and it's not about pleasure it's about progress.
The way I see it, developing that kind of discipline has got to have some kind of reflection on your work life right? I like this little theory... :)
(NB this is hypothetical - the gym is my heaven!)
I went to this How to survive Finals talk thing and something they said was that people who do excercise on average do better in their final exams. There are obvious links - being awake, endorphines, stress relief etc. But I reckon there's another reason.
Of the 10 people working in the lower room of my rather nice library (I told you it was exclusive!) three are people who I've at one time or another trained with. One is a cox, which means all the early starts and missing out on nights out, even if there's no physical exertion involved!
The only people likely to still be excercising the week before finals are people who've played sport at a relatively high level or have been effectively gym addicts for the last 2.5 years. Everybody else will have given up. That means that those people who are doing well in exams - they're not just people doing excercise, they're people who have pushed themselves and had to develop some discipline. There comes a point when you're in the gym at 6am and it's not about pleasure it's about progress.
The way I see it, developing that kind of discipline has got to have some kind of reflection on your work life right? I like this little theory... :)
Again?!
I have a flat tyre. Again. So annoyed!! More annoying is that I'll probably have to pay double to get them to fix it by tonight (I haven't the time to do it myself and I'm in school tomorrow morning and don't fancy a 6 mile round trip on foot!)
Last night I saw somebody jump a red light in a car. Not just an I'm accelerating and oh the light's gone red but I'll just nip through either. I was waiting at the lights, the cars that were going in other directions were all gone, and this red Ford that had been sat waiting just... went! I couldn't believe it! I mean obviously cyclists do it a lot but it's a damned sight safer!
So far this week I've been to the gym twice and swimming this morning. I seem to have strained my calves somehow (thought it was lactic build up but another gym sesh did nothing - swimming today seems to have eased it but still not completely). I've been trying to get used to using a cross trainer - I'm told this is pretty good excercise, and it's the only thing that uses my arms other than erging, which I'm trying to stay away from until I'm totally better (cos I know I'll just push my split under 2 minutes and then come off knackered cos I'm not well enough yet!)
While I was doing the washing up I broke CrazyGuy's favourite mug - it's a picture of him with his two best friends from home. I need to buy some superglue today and see if I can fix it (it's just the handle that's broken).
I've written maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of my first draft of my extended essay, although I don't know how many words yet - I'm refusing to use Word Count until I've got a whole draft. I need to go look at some more papers today but mainly I'm just writing.
Guess that's the round up for the last few days!
Last night I saw somebody jump a red light in a car. Not just an I'm accelerating and oh the light's gone red but I'll just nip through either. I was waiting at the lights, the cars that were going in other directions were all gone, and this red Ford that had been sat waiting just... went! I couldn't believe it! I mean obviously cyclists do it a lot but it's a damned sight safer!
So far this week I've been to the gym twice and swimming this morning. I seem to have strained my calves somehow (thought it was lactic build up but another gym sesh did nothing - swimming today seems to have eased it but still not completely). I've been trying to get used to using a cross trainer - I'm told this is pretty good excercise, and it's the only thing that uses my arms other than erging, which I'm trying to stay away from until I'm totally better (cos I know I'll just push my split under 2 minutes and then come off knackered cos I'm not well enough yet!)
While I was doing the washing up I broke CrazyGuy's favourite mug - it's a picture of him with his two best friends from home. I need to buy some superglue today and see if I can fix it (it's just the handle that's broken).
I've written maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of my first draft of my extended essay, although I don't know how many words yet - I'm refusing to use Word Count until I've got a whole draft. I need to go look at some more papers today but mainly I'm just writing.
Guess that's the round up for the last few days!
Tuesday 11 March 2008
Yo-yo
This morning as I walked to the library to pick up some papers (which it later transpired weren't there grrrr) I realised that I was happy. As in not just not-depressed but actually... glad to be alive. This happened quite a lot back in January but I guess all the dissertation stress and illness made me lose it for quite a while. Which is not to say that it was common-place to begin with: it came as a pleasant surprise when it started happening.
So... I was happy. And I was happy that I was happy. I actually started grinning. It feels good to come out of a rut and know you're ok for a while.
Except now I'm moping again. I'm really tired: promised myself I'd work until 9 but just don't care enough right now... I just want my duvet and a hug and a good night's sleep. Well hopefully I can get 2 out of 3.
So... I was happy. And I was happy that I was happy. I actually started grinning. It feels good to come out of a rut and know you're ok for a while.
Except now I'm moping again. I'm really tired: promised myself I'd work until 9 but just don't care enough right now... I just want my duvet and a hug and a good night's sleep. Well hopefully I can get 2 out of 3.
Monday 10 March 2008
Not my expectation...
I expected that he would be vacant and rude; ignore me, mock me, refuse to talk.
I rather hoped that he'd be civil, but that I'd be having too much of a good time to notice.
It didn't so much as occur to me that he might be friendly and that I might respond and that we (despite being sat opposite one another around a very large round table) would have animate conversation across everybody else; would defend each other in debate; would reminisce about him teaching me to eat with chopsticks or a particular training session from our first year.
But that's what happened.
There was a long time when I hoped that whatever issues he had could be resolved, our friendship ressurected to some point. After a while I concluded that this would never happen and I... got over it. It's taken me the better part of two years to stop being so much as nostalgic but I finally achieved it. So it came as quite a surprise to suddenly find myself back where I was two years ago. Actually two years in fact... it was around this time in 2006 when it all went wrong.
I'm ... perplexed.
I rather hoped that he'd be civil, but that I'd be having too much of a good time to notice.
It didn't so much as occur to me that he might be friendly and that I might respond and that we (despite being sat opposite one another around a very large round table) would have animate conversation across everybody else; would defend each other in debate; would reminisce about him teaching me to eat with chopsticks or a particular training session from our first year.
But that's what happened.
There was a long time when I hoped that whatever issues he had could be resolved, our friendship ressurected to some point. After a while I concluded that this would never happen and I... got over it. It's taken me the better part of two years to stop being so much as nostalgic but I finally achieved it. So it came as quite a surprise to suddenly find myself back where I was two years ago. Actually two years in fact... it was around this time in 2006 when it all went wrong.
I'm ... perplexed.
Cycling in the rain
There are many things I hate about cycling in the rain:
- Having a soaking wet bum all day
- Having hair like a bird's nest from the combination of rain and helmet
- Getting generally even wetter because you have to go through the puddles in the cycle lane rather than pull out because it's rush hour
- Fumbling with your wet keys and lock at the other end
- Knowing you'll have to do it again to get home
:(
Saturday 8 March 2008
Grin and bear it
L and I were the best of friends. We talked about everything. Religion; politics; world affairs; relationships; food; sports... you name it and we had fairly polar opinions that we wanted to thrash out. At 3 in the morning. Over the best black coffee we could find.
This was back in my first year.
L and I met early, during freshers' week, when he came home with a girl in my halls to chat. I ran into them in the communal areas and talked for an hour or so and he seemed a nice enough guy. Later that week, we ran into one another on a club night out. We got bored, and walked back together to the place where we were both living, talking as we went. On a spur of the moment thing he invited me in for coffee and thus what would become the firmest friendship of my first year was born.
The two of us were inseparable; talked to each other about everything; put each other to bed when drunk; visited each other in the Christmas holiday, and he then got quite arsey when I didn't have time to come again at Easter. And then came the summer term.
And he wouldn't speak a word to me.
We still saw each other around uni, but he would barely acknowledge my presence. It wasn't just too much work, or not having time to see me. He just cut me dead. And I still don't know the reason why.
A lot of other people I knew were unsympathetic: which was... understandable. For large parts of those first two terms he'd casually taken the piss out of me, which I'd always just seen as something we did, and it was my fault for being over sensitive (which, as I'm sure you've realised I am). Sometimes if other people invited him out he'd cancel with me. But then we saw each other all the time - it was hardly a big deal. Except in retrospect, everything they'd said about him not valueing me as a friend seemed so blatantly obvious that I couldn't believe I'd put up with it for so long.
As time went on we learnt to be civil. He actually started talking to me, and not just being plain rude, and I stopped acting like I cared. When he left at the end of last year for his year abroad I went for the handshake and he went for the hug. It was painfully awkward and neither of us knew what to say. By that point he'd invited me out for a drink three times saying he had his reasons and needed to explain. The only time we made it out he avoided the subject.
This year I've grown. We'd been so close to begin with that I didn't have many other friends. When he left I felt at a loss. Everybody else already had their cliques and their flatmates. I had nobody. But this year I've found all these new people; started a new life.
And then he walked back into it.
Two weeks ago I ran into him on campus, just back to talk to some people in the department. It was short and it was polite, and we made out like we'd go for a drink without either of us believing it. And then he was gone, and I didn't think about it much. A little regret that I hadn't been able to show him how far I've progressed without him. That's strange... like something a lover would say. But I don't think the heartbreak was that different. "Guy-love" as JD and Turk call it in Scrubs.
Tonight I'm out for a meal with some of the mutual friends we used to hang out with. I was just reading an email about it when I saw his name. He's still here. He's coming out. I'm going to have to make nice for several hours. The prospect terrifies me somewhat.
This was back in my first year.
L and I met early, during freshers' week, when he came home with a girl in my halls to chat. I ran into them in the communal areas and talked for an hour or so and he seemed a nice enough guy. Later that week, we ran into one another on a club night out. We got bored, and walked back together to the place where we were both living, talking as we went. On a spur of the moment thing he invited me in for coffee and thus what would become the firmest friendship of my first year was born.
The two of us were inseparable; talked to each other about everything; put each other to bed when drunk; visited each other in the Christmas holiday, and he then got quite arsey when I didn't have time to come again at Easter. And then came the summer term.
And he wouldn't speak a word to me.
We still saw each other around uni, but he would barely acknowledge my presence. It wasn't just too much work, or not having time to see me. He just cut me dead. And I still don't know the reason why.
A lot of other people I knew were unsympathetic: which was... understandable. For large parts of those first two terms he'd casually taken the piss out of me, which I'd always just seen as something we did, and it was my fault for being over sensitive (which, as I'm sure you've realised I am). Sometimes if other people invited him out he'd cancel with me. But then we saw each other all the time - it was hardly a big deal. Except in retrospect, everything they'd said about him not valueing me as a friend seemed so blatantly obvious that I couldn't believe I'd put up with it for so long.
As time went on we learnt to be civil. He actually started talking to me, and not just being plain rude, and I stopped acting like I cared. When he left at the end of last year for his year abroad I went for the handshake and he went for the hug. It was painfully awkward and neither of us knew what to say. By that point he'd invited me out for a drink three times saying he had his reasons and needed to explain. The only time we made it out he avoided the subject.
This year I've grown. We'd been so close to begin with that I didn't have many other friends. When he left I felt at a loss. Everybody else already had their cliques and their flatmates. I had nobody. But this year I've found all these new people; started a new life.
And then he walked back into it.
Two weeks ago I ran into him on campus, just back to talk to some people in the department. It was short and it was polite, and we made out like we'd go for a drink without either of us believing it. And then he was gone, and I didn't think about it much. A little regret that I hadn't been able to show him how far I've progressed without him. That's strange... like something a lover would say. But I don't think the heartbreak was that different. "Guy-love" as JD and Turk call it in Scrubs.
Tonight I'm out for a meal with some of the mutual friends we used to hang out with. I was just reading an email about it when I saw his name. He's still here. He's coming out. I'm going to have to make nice for several hours. The prospect terrifies me somewhat.
Wednesday 5 March 2008
2008
This year so far has been - is - messed up.
I've been horribly horribly ill.
My superviser has left the country.
I've started cutting again.
I'm self sabotaging relationships.
My best friend - somebody who knew me better at one time than anybody before or since; somebody who knew me so well it scared me at times - has gone to jail. For a crime I still don't believe he committed.
My hopes of a 1st (admittedly only conceived following my performance in last years exams - which was frankly astounding) seem dashed already, even with 2.5 months until exams.
It's just not quite how I thought it would be y'know?
I've been horribly horribly ill.
My superviser has left the country.
I've started cutting again.
I'm self sabotaging relationships.
My best friend - somebody who knew me better at one time than anybody before or since; somebody who knew me so well it scared me at times - has gone to jail. For a crime I still don't believe he committed.
My hopes of a 1st (admittedly only conceived following my performance in last years exams - which was frankly astounding) seem dashed already, even with 2.5 months until exams.
It's just not quite how I thought it would be y'know?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)