Frustrated

In the months since this post I've been fighting hard to stay celibate. Well, I say fighting - for the most part I haven't found it that hard. Except yesterday I got a bit hot under the collar and it's pissing me off. Today I cracked and said you know what I just need to get off a little, a little fantasy to set me straight and then I'll be fine. 10 seconds in I hit a brick wall and the libido just died. Tried again just now... did ok and then thought - do I really want my first orgasm after months of no touching, no fantasising, no nothing to be something that doesn't involve OtherHalf? This is a fairly futile line of thought as that means no more orgasms until we're married... if we ever are married... This time no brick wall. Me, actively, consentingly, letting go. Choosing not to. Man I wish I could just forget sex.

Gah

Oh man I'm ill again :(

With no time to get better either - I've got a big meal out tonight, and OtherHalf's parents are here tomorrow. If I'm ill they'll blatantly think I'm hungover.

Worse, I went to print off copies of extended essay / project for my supervisers and low and behond discovered a horrific typo :*(

Late night at the water hole

I tend to make a point of not getting too close to the athletes I coach. It's always good to maintain some distance: not least because it gives you a) a sense of authority and b) a much cleaner conscience when you have to bite the bullet and do what's good for the team, not good for somebody's ego, or for their work ethic.

The other thing is that it stops them thinking of you as a friend. Don't get me wrong, I've had some good friends amongst those I've coached. But.... well men tend to be ok. They tend not to want to talk about their feelings much anyway. But girls... It's a fairly common occurrence following a big drunken celebration dinner to get someone whose thought process I suspect goes along the following path:

• I am so sad and full of relationship woe
• I want advice
• FinalsBlogger has always given me good advice
• FinalsBlogger seems very authoratitive (yes dear, about sport)
• I will ask FinalsBlogger for advice

Now this makes me sound like a heartless degenerate, which isn't the case. As it happens I do think I give good advice, and I will talk somebody down from a crisis. But it does strike me as slightly bizarre occasionally that young women gravitate to me with their relationship troubles. Especially when, in some scenarios, my first instinct is to shout Dump him! Dump him! and find the guy for the purposes of making it quite clear to him how much of a piece of worthless scum he is.

If it wasn't already clear, this made up a large part of my evening last night.

I also woke up with a rare and special hangover today (rare and special because I just don't get hungover, far too sensible about toast and gallons of water before bed: not because it was a hangover with sparkles).

Can't let it go

As mentioned here I've already worked out the best and worst case scenarios for my degree. Unless there is some miracle or I've completely misunderstood a question I am getting a 2:1. (I should probably point out that they don't scale our papers. Last year the mean for one paper dropped by 10%, and they said that since it wasn't clear whether it was a hard paper, a bad year of students or bad teaching, they weren't prepared to compensate).

Yet still I am obsessing.

Some of my friends are in the habit of trying to think of e.g. 20 people who will do worse than them, as a way of "proving" their 2:1 is safe. I've been labouring under the misapprehension that only 8 2:2s were given out in my subject last year. Except I neglected to count people who'd had their name removed from the pass list: which is naturally most likely to be those who know they might do badly. Upon reading the examiners' report I discovered that in the last 3 years a total of 42 1sts and 3rds have been given out (i.e. an average of 14 a year) - not 8.

Not that I'd been playing this game - but 14% is a bit bigger than 8 no?

But then on the other hand the highest 2:2 bracket is numerously described (in the various papers) as:

• Just satisfactory
• Covering most of the major points
• A weakish argument
• Small omissions or incorrectnesses

I think that if I'd done that I'd know wouldn't I?

And equally a 1st class paper (the lowest mark for it, obviously, not the highest marks) is described as simply being good and having "adequate" extra material included not from the lectures.

I'm not even sure I trust my own judgement anymore :-S

Then it got personal...

There aren't many of my exes I still have tension with. Basically none at all in fact. I'm a firm believer that if you were together for the right reasons in the beginning, then you can be friends again at the end. Ex (my most recent) and I had possibly the messiest breakup in the world. One of those one-side-can't-believe-it's-over break ups that takes 3 months to be resolved, and one of you's moved on, but not really, there's just all these feelings but it won't work out. It was messy. It was painful. We'll never be as close as we were before. But we're still friends.

There is, in fact, only one ex that still makes my stomach turnover whenever we have an unexpected encounter. Sam was young, and pretty... too young for me let's be honest. It was a summer fling with a friend of a friend, that we convinced ourselves was more. For me, I guess it was. It started off that way, and I was surprised when people intimated how hard it would be in a long distance relationship. But it didn't take long to realise that what I was feeling wasn't just lust, or friendship. I was enjoying being around someone who'd known me for a week and could finish my sentences. Someone who understood my relationship with music. Someone who made me feel like I was really wanted.

I should have listened to the LDR people. It crashed and burned quite rapidly, as soon as there were a better selection of eligible young things to choose from.

The problem with friends of friends from uni, is that they tend to continue visiting their friends after they've trodden all over your heart. It's a long way in the past, I'm happy with OtherHalf, and I've watched in a slightly sadistic way as Sam has tried and failed to find someone long term. Yesterday was the first time where I haven't just left the room and avoided the situation. I was surprised to realise that it hasn't been just me avoiding eye contact for the 2 years since this whole thing blew over. (That's right - it took me a few months to be able to talk to Ex... A month-long fling and 2 years over it my stomach turns over. Possibly because I've never had to face it, and live with the day-by-day reality). And to realise that actually every time something made me smile, that nobody else got, the one person in the room still smiling was Sam. I'd forgotten how alike we are really.

All over...

Well that's it... all done... and now begin the 3 weeks of waiting!
So now I guess the surviving-you-final-exams blog turns into a life-after-finals, finding-job etc blog!

Predictions:
Papers 3-5 (coursework)
Best case scenarios: 67, 68, 69
Worst case scenarios: 62, 62, 64
Paper 6 (Monday's compulsory option)
BCS: 65
WCS: 50
Papers 7/8 (Option 1)
BCS: 68, 74
WCS: 63, 68
Papers 9/10 (Option 2)
BCS: 65, 74
WCS: 60, 65

And my average last year was 76.

This puts my final mark anywhere between 64.6 and 70.2. A solid 2:1 basically. So now, we wait and see...

Oddness...

You'd think that my blog would be the last thing I'd be thinking about right now.
But you see that little thing on the right hand side there? That's my visitor counter.
It counts new visitors every day.
It tells me where you've come from, what pages you've visited, and where you live.
There are 4 regular visitors from this city. Today, a new person visited.

That person, lives in my city, and found my blog by searching google for it. Now you may think that finalistsblog would be a common name for a blog - but really not. I tried to find other blogs with similar names to read and there really aren't many. So it wasn't a typo, it was someone trying to find me.

Nobody knows the name of my blog. Except, last night I left my visitor counter on the screen at OtherHalf's. Now I have it on honour that the instinctive reaction here was not to google me and read my private rantings. But unless one of the four of you from this city happened to go to a friend's and look me up (which seems unlikely since by now you visit so often I'd expect you to know the address) and then that friend read all my posts about relationships, and sex, and committment and Christianity... Then somebody has found me.

I really, really don't like that.

And then the dream curled up in a little ball, laid down its little head, and died.

And thus ended the Finals Blogger's dream of a first. I'd sort of let it go anyway. I knew I wasn't prepared enough for these exams - but I did so ridiculously well last year I hoped I'd manage it somehow. I realised this morning that the mark I think I got yesterday was bad enough to neutralise the marks I got last year - I'd need a first in every paper to make it back (or rather an average of 70 over 4 papers).

The two today, were not so bad, but I doubt I got more than 65 on either. I was thinking about 68 for the first and then I counted up the marks I would give myself and it's a 65 for that and a 62 for this afternoon's.

So that's it.

I'm a little bit sad, but who wants to be a 1st class candidate anyway - it makes people assume you're some academic nerd, when really you just love your subject. Little bit sad though.

Shit

Well. That was the worst exam of my life.
Bad questions: Couldn't answer them. Things I've never covered.
Bad attitude: Went in not hyped up at all. Couldn't get motivated. Worked really slowly
Bad reaction: Messed up my timekeeping. Had plenty of time but thought I was far more behind than I was. Freaked out. As the still red bite mark on my hand testifies. Barely even felt it. Just needed something - anything - to bring me back to Earth.
Bring on the 2:1.
Well, bring on the 3rd in that paper.
2:2 if I'm lucky.
Should have been my best paper.
Such a massive loser.

It starts

Tomorrow.
The 19th.
The day of reckoning.
It starts.
First exam.
50% of my degree left.
3 hours to prove I know what I know on this topic.
In 13 hours I'll be in there.
13, unlucky for some.
Last cram.
Last bit.
One page more.
All I know now.
Hope it's enough

Nearly there...

I'm actually counting the hours. How unbelievably dire is that?
This time next week it will be over.
This time next week I will be enjoying Pimms and sunshine and picnics.
This time next week I will:

• Play my guitar... for like the 3rd time this term
• Read a book (I got most of the way through book number 3 this term and then the old work thing took over)
• Go to the gym (haven't been in TWO WEEKS!! Yeah, now you know I'm serious)
• Get my manuscript out and start writing again

This time next week I will be free!!

Terrifying isn't it? Jobs to apply for. Houses to hunt for. That great black abyss at the other end.... Think I've been out of the library too long :-S

One little slip

You know what terrifies me most? Just missing the first. Getting a 69. Even a 68 would be pushing it. If I get a 2i (which I probably will now) I want a 67 or lower. Or the first. The first would be good.

My team didn't qualify. And now every one of them is thinking: was it me that screwed it up? Was there anything more I could have done?

I don't want to stop in my tracks on June 15th and think:
What if I didn't do sport?
What if I didn't coach?
What if I hadn't sang in that concert?
What if I hadn't listened to Mathmo?
What if I hadn't spent so much time with OtherHalf?

I don't want those what ifs. Either I'm a first class candidate, or I'm not. I don't want there to be a What if.

Don't go

I used to have a big problem with my ex, who never wanted me to leave; never wanted me to go; could never accept that I had to go work. It was one of the big things that drove us apart: I just couldn’t cope feeling so guilty all the time, and it just never seemed to be understood that no I couldn’t skip lectures and yes I did need those spare 2 hours before them to finish my essay.

OtherHalf has never suffered from this problem. Other than the odd early Saturday morning when I’d rather get up than work late. Why this would suddenly become a problem days before my finals is beyond me. Somehow spent hours there last night when I should have been working. Gah!!

3 days
Up at 6am to be in library at 7am
Go home at 9pm to be in bed by 10pm
30 mins for breakfast and tea, an hour for lunch.
= 3 x (21-7-1-0.5-0.5)
= 3 x 12
= 36

36 hours
- 3 hours for a play I really want to see
- 2 hours for a rehearsal and concert
- 3 hours for qualifiers on Friday

On Sunday I can work 8-11 and then maybe 3-5 before evensong
I might at a push squeeze in 8-10 too

Max = 36 hours - 8 + 3 + 2 + 2
= .... still 36 hours

So... so... sooooooooooo screwed.

More random habits

• I draw ampersands (&s) backwards - I worked out how to do it aged 6 (slightly wrong) and have never taught myself to do it right again (I can at a push, I just can't be bothered to do it slowly and force myself)
• I tug on my ears in times of stress
• I use the word "epic" far far too much
• I always put the ? in an emphatic question first (e.g. You did WHAT?!)
• I blow all my food... even ice cream.

Never take bad advice

I've found myself recently getting annoyed at one of my friends Mathmo.

For the past 2 months or so I've been constantly berated for working past 7 on any day.

As a result, I've consistently not worked in the evenings, despite knowing that really I should. Not because I've been given an excuse not to, but because I just can't put up with the constant telling me I'm wrong and general superiority.

More and more it's occurred to me that really I should've just done what I wanted - not least now that I've discovered she's been starting work 2 hours before me. And her exams are a month later than mine.

First day of school

I feel like a worried parent before the first day of school. Will they be ok? Will they know where to go? Will they remember everything I've told them?

The girls I'm coaching have qualifiers on Friday. I really hope they get in. They can, and if they do everything we've talked about then they will. But equally if something goes wrong, 0r if someone has a bad day, then we're on a fairly slippery slope as to whether or not they make it through.

I have far bigger, more important things to worry about right now. Like the fact that I've done no practice essay plans yet, and I haven't got time to go through everything one last time: but every time I think about it I get butterflies. And I just want to do one last training session. One last pep talk. But there's no time. They're on their own now.

Take one brick out and the rest tumble down

I had a bit of a rubbish morning this morning. Competing in a sport that wasn't mine. Just a friendly. Just to make up a team. And making a total lash of it.

It's not so much the fact that I did so badly... it's the fact that I know I can do it well, and have done in the past, and was doing so in practice. And then I didn't just do badly: I crashed and burned.

And the fact that I'd taken 2 hours out this morning, and another 2 for a practice earlier in the week - just to make myself look like a total loser.

And then the worst was the reactions of everyone else. My team were ok: they knew I'd just had a bad day, and they didn't really blame me. Or at least pretended not to. It doesn't really matter. But all the good people, the coaches and judges etc just looked at me in this really pitying way that made me feel so much worse. I just felt like saying if you'd done your job and ever watched me before then you'd know I can do this... But you didn't. And now... now I guess I collapse under nerves.

Such a waste.

Sit up, man up, push for the finish

The guys I was coaching last night told me it was a shame I was a finalist. They said I was a really good coach (*g*). They said I knew how to motivate them. How to make them sit up, man up, achieve their potential.

So now I'm doing the same for myself.
Sit up.
Man up.
How much do you want this?
Show some commitment.
Show me what you're made of.
You have not worked this hard to give up now.
This isn't just about you: there's a whole host of people to let down if you get it wrong now.
Sit up.
Eyes in front.
Keep it smooth.
Keep it calm.
Keep it technical.
You know how to do this.
You will do this.

Because you have to. Because there's no other choice. Because failure is not an option. Because the only way to make it go away is to finish the race.

So sit up. Man up. Push for the finish.

And breeeeeathe

Well I got some practice questions back today with a bloody good mark - which is a good sign (especially after my mock in which I got a mid 2:2). Unfortunately that paper is completely different to the others I have to take, but I guess if I can get high enough marks on a couple more papers then lower marks on the other 6 won't be so world-destroying. Now I just need to get my ass in gear and learn everything else!

IndieKid has taken to counting the hours until his exams start. Shame mine start directly after his. I've told him he's banned from doing that to anyone as it's not healthy but as long as he stops doing it to me I'll be happy!

The Fear?

I think I might be getting the Fear. Yes, with a capital. You can hear it when I say it right? I've been wanting the Fear for at least a work. I'm too laid back. Too calm. Only today I started trying to do questions and it's not that I don't know the detail... I just don't know where to start. The essay plan... it's just not in my head. I knew I couldn't do this in first year - but last year it just all sort of slotted together. And now it's gone and I don't know how to get it back.

And every time I start to get my head down and be efficient coaching calls and it all falls apart.
WHY are my priorities so utterly messed up?!

Do you work here?

Do you work here?

I looked up, expecting to see a WHSmith employee in the vicinity. There wasn't. There was a rather tall, apparently well off, and obviously foreign woman looking at me. I looked down at my distinctly non-WHSmith uniform-like university hoody.

No. I shook my head, and went back to my search for No. 10 staples. (Tip - don't buy WHSmith's cheapest stapler - mine broke within about a week - but now I have it and it's semi-mended I figure I may as well use it. You can guarantee that now I've put staples in it it will die again).

About a minute later...

Do you know Rymans?

I looked up at the tall, upper class, foreign woman.

Yes, it's just around the corner I replied - expecting that she wanted directions.

What is it? At this point I paused... I was stood in the stationery section of a store that sells, primarily, stationery. I was being asked about another stationery shop as though perhaps it might sell... fast food... or jewellery.

It's a stationery shop. Just around the corner. Right over there. A bit more expensive perhaps, but a bigger range.

And then she started to ask me about their stock!!

Some people just amaze me. No, I am not a shop employee. No, I am not a little old lady who tried to start to chat with you. I am a student, in a uni hoody, which clearly says University of X on it, who is clearly looking for some staples. Why in goodness' name should you think I'm a good person to ask about the printer cartridge selection of Ryman's?!

Misunderstandings 4 - Women Priests

Why is it that women can't be priests? Why, in a world where women are becoming more and more equal to men are they still denied the right to ordination?

As if it weren't obvious already, this is not my view - it's a view to which I attempt to offer an answer. As set out by the catechism:

Only a baptized man (vir) receives sacred ordination. The Lord Jesus chose men
(viri) to form the college of the twelve apostles, and the apostles did the same
when they chose collaborators to succeed them in their ministry. The college of
bishops, with whom the priests are united in the priesthood, makes the college
of the twelve an ever-present and ever-active reality until Christ’s return. The
Church recognizes herself to be bound by this choice made by the Lord Himself.
For this reason the ordination of women is not possible.

This in itself actually explains it very well, but for the purposes of clarity I'll elaborate. Most of the arguments I've heard for the ordination of women priests fall into two categories:
1. Women should be equal to men in everything.
2. Jesus didn't choose women as priests because of the current Jewish climate.

Now firstly, I am by no means an anti-feminist; but this argument really hacks me off. There are plenty of ways in which men and women are not equal. Yes, there are battles that need fighting: there is unequal pay, and unfair treatment of rape victims, and sexual discrimination. But I think this is an incredibly worldy argument, for what is an incredibly spiritual question.

For instance, many people say (and in many ways I'm inclined to agree) that intercourse is a valuable - even vital - part of a serious relationship. Ergo everyone should be having sex or their relationships aren't worthwhile. Never mind the people who choose to abstain; never mind the scores of generations who abstained out of fear of pregnancy... Apparently without sex a relationship is not a relationship.

Well pardon me, but hard as celibacy is, and as detrimental as it might be in the short term, if Our Lord me to do it then I think at the very least I should damn well give it a try. I may stumble, I may fall, I may fail. But at the very least I will try to stick by the rules - just turning around and saying Well he didn't mean it isn't really an option.

Similarly here I feel the same can be said. Maybe men and women should be equal in every respect in this world (I don't actually think they should but that's just more controversy so let's simplify this) - but when have Christians ever lived by the laws of this world? When have we ever said it's ok to lie, or cheat, or screw people over? (NB not trying to imply that Christians are any more holy than anyone else - but there's generally more of an attempt not to even tell white lies, for instance). If God says that women can't be priests then no wordly argument about women having the right to stand equal will sway me on this point.

Secondly, and perhaps quite similarly, since when did JESUS live by the rules of 1st century Israel? This idea that He would disregard women as priests because He was worried they wouldn't be accepted... Well let's see:
1. Jesus had some very close women followers who He already treated essentially equally to the men. And yet he chose none of them - not his mother, or Mary of Magdalene or the women at Bethany - to be among the twelve.
2. Jesus consorted with tax collectors, and lepers, and "sinners". He was not afraid of accepting and bringing close to Him people that others had rejected. Priesthood was not given out as a reward for doing well (after all His priests included Peter - who denied him - and Thomas - who denied his resurrection) it was given to the Twelve for a reason.
3. A number of other religions at the time had priestesses - the idea was not completely alien.

I really REALLY don't like the idea that Jesus might have just "made a mistake" or conformed to the times because it was convenient. If He wanted women as priests, then either He would have just made them anyway or He would have come at a different time, to a different place. The work of Our Lord is not happenstance or random. It is all part of His plan, and I don't think we can do much better than to follow that plan.

Yesterday was just one of those days... I'm sunburned for starters, which is never a good thing, but I basically wasted a day coaching.

Well I say wasted... In the morning I was coaching the team I wanted to be coaching this term - as it's got a whole bunch of very enthusiastic lads who are really into it and want to do well. They were really up for some hard work, and because I'm not their usual coach I noticed some things they hadn't been told to do before - so I felt like we'd achieved something and they were very nice about it afterwards. We got ourselves in a bit of a tangle at the end, but overall it was a gorgeous morning, we did some good solid work, and I felt like a good coach.

The afternoon was my normal team. 50% people who want to work hard and are good, almost 50% who just want to do it for fun, and one in the middle who's the most enthusiastic of the bunch but doesn't realise you can't ask everyone to follow you when you're far from being the best on the team. We did some race practice and it was shockingly bad. Like I have nightmares about races going that badly. And at the end, when I said well we can't do it again so.... they all replied that they had plenty of energy so let's go again. Clearly I haven't explained the words "empty the tank" and "give it your all" well enough. And then, as if that wasn't good enough, random members of the public started criticising me for being too harsh.

Some days, I just want to hang up my coaching boots.

The worst bit was, I got back to the library and it was all I could think of. I'd do 10 minutes good work and then just start thinking about how horrible I was, and how maybe I should be nicer, and how at this rate they wouldn't qualify. Just kept eating me up. I suddenly got this image of everyone telling me I shouldn't coach anymore because I wasn't good enough and I knew that if it happened I'd just cut myself to oblivion. Not because I care about coaching, but because I can't bear the thought of being a failure. So now of course I'm mad at myself for wasting work time, when I should be concentrating on my finals, and not on whether or not some freshers who don't really care about the sport do well or not.

Now that's what you call May Day

I'm sleep deprived.

So sleep deprived in fact that I feel slightly inebriated. Very inebriated really. I'm walking into things.

It's May Day - so that means stay up all night and drink all day. Unless you're me in which case it means minimal sleep, maximal sport, a pub lunch to celebrate the end of Exams Part 1 for wino and not nearly as much work as I should have done.

It's also Ascension Day - so I'll be off to Mass soon - and Election Day: although due to some faff with me moving house I'm yet to vote. Gotta remember to do that before bed.

Most of today is a blur. A big, sleepy, pro plus and coffee fuelled blur. It's amazing what you're capable of pushing yourself through when you have to. Still, in a month it'll be over. One month more. That's it. Just keep swimming.