Rock bottom

4 hours sleep + training hard + frustration at everybody else not training hard + not eating properly + a shit OtherHalf who doesn't want to see me + too much work I can't motivate myself to do = falling apart at the seams.

I think I've hit rock bottom again - the same thing happened around this time last year. I've got 8 essays and my extended essay to write and dissertation needs finishing (for real) but I can't motivate myself to work. I had 4 hours sleep on Thursday night (a story for another time) and not too many more last night: I've got a couple of hours free now but instead of catching up on that sleep I'll go and try to work, fail, fall asleep in the library and wake up feeling worse than before. I've got a whole load of training that I'm going to have to make up because of being in court, although I still don't know when and I'm sick of freshers who don't turn up or don't work hard so we have to do extra sessions. I'm torn between masochistic joy and just being so so tired, and so so lost. But I won't take time off, or stop or be rational... I'll just let myself fail.

There are two tell tale signs at this point. One is that the fact that OtherHalf doesn't want to see me is bothering me. It bothers me to the point where I start thinking about how unbalanced this is, and how much I hate caring about somebody so much who would probably have kept me as a friend who they pulled occasionally if given the choice. It bothers me to the point where I desperately just want to end it now, just pull the plaster off and get it over with because I know I'll only end up unhappy.

The other sign is that my evil self-harming twin starts to emerge. Not the one that likes killing me at the gym, the one with the razorblades. I spent the 4 years before I came to uni fighting that twin so hard, and thought I'd finally won when I got here. I stayed clean until about this time last year, when I cracked under the pressure of training and work. Now I'm clean again, but today for the first time in a long time it just seemed like the obvious solution. It's so simple, and it gives you at least an hour of sanity. I could really do with that hour right now. Fortunately sports training and communal showering tend to offer enough incentive to keep me clean. At home I was silent for 2.5 years, until I realised how common it was, and became totally open. I hate people who are proud of it, but equally it's a part of who I've been, and probably who I still am. But I just don't think I'm ready to be labelled a freak again just yet.

There are a couple of freshers I know from CU who I've become very close to - guys I can just talk about anything with, far more than I can with my flatmates, or my music friends, or probably even OtherHalf. I think it says something that for the first time today I started planning to avoid them - because I can't face telling them how badly I'm coping, but I know that if I see them I will. And the worst bit is they wouldn't judge me - they'd probably help. But right now I really really just can't.