Hang Ups

I read a post on a blog which said something to the tune of, "just because I'm not overweight people assume I don't worry about what I weigh / how I look - but really I do." I've been wondering about my own hangups. Weight has only rarely been one of them, especially since I came to uni and took up sport again in a big way (following a lull in my teenage years). But there are other things...

This, for instance, is a life saver: because I'm forever worrying about my skin. I don't have acne or anything, but I do have a perpetually bad complexion. Not just blackheads either (but for some reason Clearasil regular scrub makes me break out) and not just on my face. Growing up I used to be teased about it (although never badly) and now I guess I have a bit of a complex.

Similarly, while I've never had big hang-ups about being overweight, it's fair to say that I've been concerned from time to time about the opposite sex finding me less than attractive. I'm a bit of a giant tbh and that's always seemed to set me apart from the crowd. Now I'm at uni, that's really less of a reason, more of an excuse - and clearly the presence of OtherHalf in my life means I'm not all bad. But I've always been out with people who were close friends first: which while it should be awesome has always left me feeling as though we just fell into it, without them ever fancying me first.

And there's another small issue: popularity. When I was little we used to go to loads of National Trust houses with adventure playgrounds. I would always come back announcing all the new friends I'd made, and all the kids I'd played with. Somehow I could just click with people I'd never met before. And yet now at uni I've really struggled. Largely because of some bad choices I made in my first year, that I've never yet resurrected but mainly just because I seem to have no social skills. I don't know when I'm being funny, and when I'm being a pain; I'm always paranoid that people don't really like me - so I either come across as needy, or when somebody jokes I take it to heart and move away; I'm no longer so sure of making plans and letting everyone else fall into line.

And also now I'm here, I get hang-ups about being smart. I'm used to being the smart kid, top of the class in everything, a high flier. And I always new coming here that I would be any more. I'm sort of ok with that: what I'm not ok with are everybody else's expectations. I don't want to let people down, so I get hang ups about not being as smart as people I'll never compare with.

So there you have it: bad skin, unattractive, unpopular and not smart. My four biggest hang-ups in a nutshell.