I think the word you're looking for is "thank-you".

For the last 2 or 3 weeks, this has been my constant mantra.

I think the word that you're looking for is "thank-you".

Not aloud, obviously. But all the time I notice it. The people I hold doors open for, or step off the pavement to allow past, or do some crazy manoeuvre on my bike to avoid. The lack of basic manners in the British public is really starting to annoy me. It especially annoys me around the department and the university, when it's fellows and members of teaching staff. I'm aware that being an academic doesn't mean that you automatically sprout a tumour that gives you good manners: but you'd think that some of the smartest minds in the world could have a bit of common courtesy.

It also means that when somebody does say thank-you, or sorry, or tells me to have a nice day that it comes as a bit of a shock, and may leave me smiling for up to an hour. Odd that.

Let the ground swallow me up...

Seriously.

Please...

No?

Excuses for not blogging over the last 11 days (:O):

• Being horribly horribly since last Sunday
• Having most-of-a-week of racing
• Having to hand in my dissertation

Trying to combine all three of those things was not fun. I'm not gonna try filling in details, as I'll just not blog for several months and uh that'd be a bit pointless.

Valentines Day was actually really nice - quiet night in with OtherHalf who cooked an awesome dinner for me and made me feel really rather lucky and smug :)

Dissertation was handed in 19 hours before the deadline - not quite the week-early I'd envisaged but then I had a whole lot of shit from people who'd asked to proofread and then didn't give me feedback until right before the deadline. Totally messed with my head, and was really not needed. Especially when I was running a temperature something crazy and so unbelievably stressed.

Racing went pretty well actually - gave it my all - just kept saying THIS IS THE LAST COMPETITION and it got me through even when I could hardly see straight. Kinda regretting it now I'm trying to recover from several days' hard competition and absolutely mauling my body but meh... Muscles hurt that I have no idea how to stretch. Like, your thighs hurt and you hold your leg up, hips forward. Or your groin hurts and you straddle and go to one side. But how do you stretch your left forearm? Or the point where your bicep attaches in your elbow? I'm seriously considering asking one of the henched guys at the gym....

And NOW I'm just panicking about my really-really-not-going-well Extended Essay. But enough about that another time.

I'm walking on sunshine... woah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyfPzg-Fv8k

Well today is just turning out to be an awesome day - which is impressive seeing as yesterday was monumentally shit. But enough of that - today is a GOOD DAY!

Oh and Happy Valentines Everyone! I'll be seeing OtherHalf tonight - but I got a really sweet card this morning which has had be grinning all day.

I got my final draft back and it's FINE! I've got to do a little bit of editing here and there but I should have it in in plenty of time, no stress, which has made my day slightly. But also - height of amazing - a guy who tutors me told me today that I have "natural flair" and asked if I'd like an additional reference to apply for further study. (Obviously this is a big deal anyway because it means he thinks I'm good - but general you just have one academic reference from your main tutor unless somebody wants to say really awesome things about you). That has made me feel SO good!!

So, all together now:

I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me your coming around

I'm walking on sunshine, woah
I'm walking on sunshine, woah
I'm walking on sunshine, woah
and don't it feel good!!

Brrrr

Well the weather has finally realised it's February and frozen right up. We still have beautiful sunshine, so I'm still enjoying being outside, but really beginning to wish that the last time I was home (staying with OtherHalf last night) I'd picked up some decent jeans - rather than these cut off ones. I don't feel the cold too much really: especially not on my legs, but there's a chill wind a blowing and it's a bit frizz! I might be coaching this afternoon so may have to go home and get some more clothes, as if I'm standing around out there it's gonna get coooold!

Silent Apology

I am sorry that I was angry.
I am sorry that I thought of you as selfish.
I am sorry that you thought you were being neglectful.
I am sorry that I didn't explain well enough.
I am sorry that I never give you space.
I am sorry that I want to touch you so badly.
I am sorry that you thought I meant you were lazy.
I am sorry that you will never feel what I feel.
I am sorry that I made you sad.

Freak out, let it go

I'm really beginning to get a little worried... My deadline is the 22nd. Today is the 12th. That gives me 10 days to proof read, edit, get people from my course to proof-read (and hence tell me if it will make sense to the external examiner who isn't a specialist), rewrite, bind and submit. And realistically, since I'm racing next week I want to have it bound and ready by Monday. I NEED MY DRAFT BACK!!!

I need to let this go. I need to calm down and say I've been working on this for 9 months, and I know it's good enough. I need to remember how many less-than-perfect dissertations I've read in the department library that still got good enough marks. I need to remember that overall this year I only need to average 56 to get a 2:1 (yey for second year exams) and that I am more than capable of achieving that.

I need to breathe

Misunderstandings Part 2: The Power of Prayer

"Prayer doesn't work. Try praying for a red sports car. Go on. See? Nothing happened. God doesn't exist."

The above is (loosely, because I can't find the website) taken from a page I stumbled upon with several hundred reasons why God doesn't exist. This was one of the first - I didn't get very far before finding it rather tedious and moving on. I actually rather enjoy a good debate with an atheist who has a well thought out point of view, and can actually see some of the discrepancies and troubles that the Church has. But militant atheism based on nothing more than blind faith (ironically) that sets up straw men and knocks them down just ticks me off.

So here we go: my best attempt at explaining a few things about the power of prayer.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, the above writer appears to have confused wishing with praying. Go ask your parents for $100. Or some crack. Or maybe just a really big ninja sword? Do you think they will say yes? I doubt it somehow. Go ask them for some help with your homework, or to teach you how to be patient, or ask them for a lift to the old people's home so you can go visit and cheer them up a bit. Far more likely to say yes right?

God answers our prayers, all the time: and not just the little one. At the start of this year a fresher reminded me I needed to pray big! God will often answer our genuine heartfelt prayers even when they seem impossible. But the point is that the prayers should be in line with his plan. Ask Him to be hot, or for money, or power... chances are you're not going to get anywhere. Ask Him for humility; for peace and tranquility; for the patience to persevere; for strength in your struggle against the devil... these are prayers that He will answer.

Secondly people often come to God with lots of requests. They don't realise that prayer is not a one way thing. We can't say GOD HELP ME!!! And then run away. When we come to God it should be with a humble and contrite heart.

God, I am lost, and without you I can't carry on. Show me how to.

And then we wait, and watch and listen. And sometimes you don't know the answer has come, but sometimes it's like a lightning bolt. Those are the days when you don't need faith - it's just so obvious that there's no jump in the darkness.

Thirdly many people, and often they're the people who need God most, don't understand why prayers for a relative to get better, or somebody to love them back, or the bad things to stop happening aren't answered. Graduate gave me a wonderful metaphor for that. Sometimes you see a piece of tapestry - and all the threads are crossed and it looks like a big mess. Turn it over and you see the pattern. God can see the big picture: we just get the tiny stitches that make no sense. We have to trust that we're in His hands, and that sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way we expect.

Commitment

Well that was a bit pointless.... well... not pointless... just... *sighs*

Today we had a big race: the first race of the season. In fact that's why it's a big race - it was actually a relatively small competition (there were less than 20 entries in our category), but it was our first, and I was really looking forward to some proper hard-core domination.

I can't say it came as a particular surprise that we came in the bottom half of the division. What did come as a surprise was a) that when we finished more than one person was quite happily chatting away, without really even being much out of breath and that b) so many people were so ok with how badly we'd done. I for one, while not being particularly good at this sport (probably being one of the worst non-freshers still on the team in fact) work damn hard to give it my all. When we don't train hard enough I go to the gym on my own. And I may not be perfect, but when the coach says go I give it 100%. So it REALLY hacked me off that people were ok with a thoroughly mediocre performance.

Our next race is in 10 days time and it's a big one, because it's on home territory. Right now I'm pretty disheartened that we're just going to do really badly. What happened to team events guys? What happened to giving it everything because you won't just be letting yourself down? Until fairly recently I was even considering continuing to train next term. Today just reminded me how ready I am to pack it all in. And that sucks.

It's a beautiful day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NmmLvfzMuE

The last 2 days have reminded me just how lucky I am to live in this city. The sky has been the most brilliant shade of blue; the air has been so crisp and clean; the sun has been shining so brightly. I live on a slight hill, a couple of miles from the city centre, and I have never realised until yesterday that at this one point on the cycle in you get a perfect view of one of the main churches in the centre. It just hit me what an amazing view that was. And then, as I came over the bridge that essentially marks the edge of the city proper there were birds singing. How awesome is that? It is, truly, a beautiful day.

Numbers Part 2

Days until my dissertation is due in: 14
Words I've written on this essay before giving up: 1551 (gotta love a palindrome)
Hours until I have to be up for training: 9.5
Times I've told myself how sad I am for working on a Friday anyway: 3
Proportion of work time I've wasted today: 40%
Comments on my blog to date: 1 :-D
People who I've told about the court verdict: 4
Blog posts I've mentally written and not typed yet: 3
Seconds off my PB on Wednesday: 8

I smell like a tart's boudoir. Just been shopping for EDT for Other Half for Valentines Day (which I'll post about another day). I have 5 different kinds of scent on - 1 on each hand, 1 on each wrist and one on my right forearm. Apparently this is very bad as I need to smell how they work with somebody's own smell: not my own. But VD is 6 days away, and I'm hardly going to say Oh just come let me spray stuff on you so I can smell it and decide what to buy you now am I?!

Hang Ups

I read a post on a blog which said something to the tune of, "just because I'm not overweight people assume I don't worry about what I weigh / how I look - but really I do." I've been wondering about my own hangups. Weight has only rarely been one of them, especially since I came to uni and took up sport again in a big way (following a lull in my teenage years). But there are other things...

This, for instance, is a life saver: because I'm forever worrying about my skin. I don't have acne or anything, but I do have a perpetually bad complexion. Not just blackheads either (but for some reason Clearasil regular scrub makes me break out) and not just on my face. Growing up I used to be teased about it (although never badly) and now I guess I have a bit of a complex.

Similarly, while I've never had big hang-ups about being overweight, it's fair to say that I've been concerned from time to time about the opposite sex finding me less than attractive. I'm a bit of a giant tbh and that's always seemed to set me apart from the crowd. Now I'm at uni, that's really less of a reason, more of an excuse - and clearly the presence of OtherHalf in my life means I'm not all bad. But I've always been out with people who were close friends first: which while it should be awesome has always left me feeling as though we just fell into it, without them ever fancying me first.

And there's another small issue: popularity. When I was little we used to go to loads of National Trust houses with adventure playgrounds. I would always come back announcing all the new friends I'd made, and all the kids I'd played with. Somehow I could just click with people I'd never met before. And yet now at uni I've really struggled. Largely because of some bad choices I made in my first year, that I've never yet resurrected but mainly just because I seem to have no social skills. I don't know when I'm being funny, and when I'm being a pain; I'm always paranoid that people don't really like me - so I either come across as needy, or when somebody jokes I take it to heart and move away; I'm no longer so sure of making plans and letting everyone else fall into line.

And also now I'm here, I get hang-ups about being smart. I'm used to being the smart kid, top of the class in everything, a high flier. And I always new coming here that I would be any more. I'm sort of ok with that: what I'm not ok with are everybody else's expectations. I don't want to let people down, so I get hang ups about not being as smart as people I'll never compare with.

So there you have it: bad skin, unattractive, unpopular and not smart. My four biggest hang-ups in a nutshell.

What is the world blogging about? Part 2

Well this week I've encountered some very interesting blogs, as well as a couple that have made me sit back in astonishment. Firstly the ones I like:

Steph and Victoria have got some really nice verses and their thoughts on Christianity, but also plenty of stuff about their every day lives, which I've enjoyed a lot. Scarlett just makes me laugh, as she's pretty quirky. (Incidentally why are all the good blogs by girls? Since when do men only write about naked women?!) And I also bizarrely found Here I Am by some 13-year-old kid who just makes me get a bit nostalgic about what it was like when school didn't matter...

And liking kids and the silly stuff they say, this also brightened my day no end.

More worryingly I found these. How many calories do you eat a day and the maximum is 1500
+!?!? Your body goes into STARVATION MODE at 1500 calories. That's barely enough to sustain basic metabolism. And there's a whole little web ring of them cheering each other on, and getting all excited when one of them gets ill and loses 3lb. People like this SCARE me.

Good manners

This morning, as I was cycling to circuits along a side street, a little old lady stepped off the pavement to get past a bike that somebody had dumped, almost directly in front of me. I made a slight oh-oh noise and managed to go around her, but wasn't too fussed. In this city, you need to be brave to cycle and I've sort of got used to people stepping out without looking: it's not nearly as bad as sadistic bus drivers, or people who open their passenger door straight into the cycle lane! It was 7am, so she probably wasn't expecting anyone on the road. Anyway, I was going quite slowly, as I was parking only about 100m ahead, where the nearest bike rack to circuits is. But as I was locking up my bike, said little old lady caught up with me - and apologised for stepping out in front of me. I was absolutely gobsmacked!!

Training is... painful. For the last year my times, while not great, have been some of the better on the squad, purely because I'm big and powerful (not technically great). Now there are people taller than me, and fitter than me... and yet I'm so used to being the faster that I'm pushing myself HARD just to stay ahead. Admittedly they're young and inexperienced so I don't need to be pushing quite so hard just now but it really isn't fun atm!

We finally got around to doing some hard sprint work: we do a surprising amount of endurance and stamina and general fitness for what is essentially a sprint event. I've been telling myself I need to do some hard work and of course I haven't so now I get to do it with the coach yelling at me... Ah well, all in a day's work.

Guilty

Verdict was reached yesterday afternoon. I don't know all the details yet, as I wasn't there. But the prosecution magicked up a few new witnesses, and the end result was that my friend pleaded guilty to lesser charges, on the basis that more extreme ones were dropped. I feel a bit lost really. The worst thing is I've started to wonder if he really did do it. A week ago I was so sure he was innocent. Pretty crap really.

I believe we survive, George

I never thought that (as comforting as I find it) Grey's Anatomy would be the thing to give me something to start fighting for. I mean the cutting helps, and the sleeping helps, and the eating helps. But the bit that made me snap, and smile for the first time in however many days, and come back to life a bit was an episode of GA. It's the 2 parter with the ferry boat crash (not one I've seen before). And Izzie is trying to convince people that everything will be ok.

I know people die. People die in front of us every day. But Meredith will survive this. I believe - I - I believe in the good. I believe that it's been a hell of a year, and I believe that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we'll all be okay. I believe a lot of things. I believe that - I believe that Denny is always with me. And I believe that if I eat a tub of butter and no one sees me, then calories don't count. And I believe that surgeons who prefer staples over stitches are just lazy. And I
believe that you are a man who made a terrible mistake marrying Callie. And I believe that because I am your best friend, I can tell you this and we can be okay. I believe that even though you made this mistake, *you* will be okay. I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive

It's so true. I survive because I have to survive. Because I always trust that I will come out of this. Because I'm not afraid to let God take care of things... this week I became afraid and it served no purpose. So I guess I take a big breath and start again.

Court... court was a bit of a mess so I'll just leave that out.

I went to the gym last night with Shorty to do some sprint work. We spend so much time doing endurance training for what is essentially a sprint event. My times were reasonable but I reckon they were better last year - it's actually been over 8 months since I last did real sprint work, as over the summer I was on my own and in the winter training nearly slowed to a standstill. So I guess I just have to get my ass in gear and do some work on my own.

Train to Aberdeen

So I'm back in uni having spent 2 hours this morning trying to find out whether or not I'm due in court today. I finally called 118 118 to get a phone number for the court so I now know trial starts at 12pm, but still not whether I should be there. So I've come back in to print some papers to read and work on and then I might just go - worst that can happen is I miss a day's work and stuff.

I was sat in the train station, just waiting and waiting. It reminded me of after we moved, when I was forever sat in a train station, playing my guitar, waiting for the next connection. Everytime they called the train I needed I half contemplated getting on it, and not bothering about whether or not I should be there. Then they started calling the train for Aberdeen. I've never been to Aberdeen. It seems a long way away from everything that's wrong right now and just for a little I considered I might up and run. I've got about 3 days worth of clothes with me, as I don't know if I'll have to stay away for the trial. I'm smart, I've nearly got my degree... I could just start again somewhere couldn't I?

Anyway, I'm now stressed and confused and scared and wondering whether it'd be rude to phone back the barristers... But at least I'm sane. Last night... I feel like a failure but at least I can think straight now. Even if straight is seeing how much I'm hurting myself.

Welcome to Rock Bottom

Well that didn't take long. Tonight, I actually did hit rock bottom. The kind that involves scissors. And it wasn't the experience of being torn to pieces in court, or the hectic training schedule, or the pressure of work, or being blown off again but the OtherHalf that doesn't want me. It was feeling rejected by the only real friends I think I have in this place.

We've been playing this card game, where you're not allowed to discuss the rules and more and more are made up as the game goes along. I've played it before - with them and back in my first year - and it's an awesome game. But their basic rules are different to mine - so I spot the hard stuff but get screwed over by things everyone but me knows not to do. Which is fine: it makes me laugh. But tonight we played in a fairly large group and this one girl kept mocking me for every bad card. Somehow when the guys do that it's ok - maybe because I know them but actually because I think they genuinely are nice about it. But she just kept pushing my buttons.

I was scared about tomorrow - well I still am: I'm terrified. And I wanted to talk so badly. But playing cards seemed a nice alternative. So when I finally got fed up and folded I went back to church and sat for a while, talking to God. Except He's not replying at the moment. And gradually it dawned on me that He wasn't there for the tough training, and He hasn't been there while I've been worrying about court tomorrow and... actually... He's been absent a lot lately. And pretty soon after all this the tears came. Half an hour later I just wanted out; just needed to calm down. And as fate would have it I had some scissors - not particularly sharp ones mind so it'll heal fast.

That's probably the fastest I've come down. Generally once the adrenaline kicks in you can go one of two ways: into wake up and stop mode or into harder and faster and deeper mode. You can't do either if you don't really need that - I discovered in my teens how impossible to cut it is when you don't really need it (at least if you use a relatively blunt knife, which is a good call if you don't want to risk your life). So I guess I can be proud of that in a way. Just means I've fallen off the wagon again... 9 months on... except last time I'd managed 18 - my longest ever. And last time I felt like a failure. Now it seems an inevitability. Am I slipping again?

Getting scared now

So trial starts tomorrow. Which means I should be panicking a little. Well I am - I had two nightmares last night, which - while not too unusual - is almost certainly connected. But it's actually less about what I'll say, and what they'll say, and more closely connected to the fact that I haven't been told if they need me. I know they want me on the stand, and I know trial starts tomorrow. But not where the court is (this isn't in my city so I need to travel) or even if I'm wanted tomorrow. So I guess I just have to rock up and see - gonna feel so so out of place. Can't believe a friend's life is resting in my hands.

Rock bottom

4 hours sleep + training hard + frustration at everybody else not training hard + not eating properly + a shit OtherHalf who doesn't want to see me + too much work I can't motivate myself to do = falling apart at the seams.

I think I've hit rock bottom again - the same thing happened around this time last year. I've got 8 essays and my extended essay to write and dissertation needs finishing (for real) but I can't motivate myself to work. I had 4 hours sleep on Thursday night (a story for another time) and not too many more last night: I've got a couple of hours free now but instead of catching up on that sleep I'll go and try to work, fail, fall asleep in the library and wake up feeling worse than before. I've got a whole load of training that I'm going to have to make up because of being in court, although I still don't know when and I'm sick of freshers who don't turn up or don't work hard so we have to do extra sessions. I'm torn between masochistic joy and just being so so tired, and so so lost. But I won't take time off, or stop or be rational... I'll just let myself fail.

There are two tell tale signs at this point. One is that the fact that OtherHalf doesn't want to see me is bothering me. It bothers me to the point where I start thinking about how unbalanced this is, and how much I hate caring about somebody so much who would probably have kept me as a friend who they pulled occasionally if given the choice. It bothers me to the point where I desperately just want to end it now, just pull the plaster off and get it over with because I know I'll only end up unhappy.

The other sign is that my evil self-harming twin starts to emerge. Not the one that likes killing me at the gym, the one with the razorblades. I spent the 4 years before I came to uni fighting that twin so hard, and thought I'd finally won when I got here. I stayed clean until about this time last year, when I cracked under the pressure of training and work. Now I'm clean again, but today for the first time in a long time it just seemed like the obvious solution. It's so simple, and it gives you at least an hour of sanity. I could really do with that hour right now. Fortunately sports training and communal showering tend to offer enough incentive to keep me clean. At home I was silent for 2.5 years, until I realised how common it was, and became totally open. I hate people who are proud of it, but equally it's a part of who I've been, and probably who I still am. But I just don't think I'm ready to be labelled a freak again just yet.

There are a couple of freshers I know from CU who I've become very close to - guys I can just talk about anything with, far more than I can with my flatmates, or my music friends, or probably even OtherHalf. I think it says something that for the first time today I started planning to avoid them - because I can't face telling them how badly I'm coping, but I know that if I see them I will. And the worst bit is they wouldn't judge me - they'd probably help. But right now I really really just can't.