Kinda hard to believe it's all over now. CrazyGuy and IndieKid are both gone. The flat is clean. I'm just waiting to leave. I've got my results, although they're both still waiting on there's.

I want to keep this going - need to put all my randomly collated advice somewhere. And odds and ends about looking for a professional house. And jobs. And life after... Applying for PhDs... Lots of stuff really.

Ho hum.

Feeling abandoned yet?

My lack of posting isn't due to a lack of life, it's mainly down to my computer being at my parents' house, and me uh not... I'm leaving the country on Wednesday (but will be back!) and all my stuff has gone home without me. Irritatingly my last, quite thoughtful, post appears to have disappeared! :O

So I guess I'll start with a rehashed version of that:

So the pass list is public? You mean anyone could see my degree result? But what if I did badly due to health problems?

Somewhere in the realms of student forums, a worried finalist panicked about her results. The response was candid:
Nobody's ever going to refer to you as BA Hons Lower Second Class: but her cat died on the day of her first exam.

It seems obvious - but I've begun wondering whether I don't do something very similar in the "real", non academic world. I talk about my past. A lot. My very twisted and messed up past. You may have noticed this. I had lunch with Ex about 10 days ago and had this pointed out to me. A big part of my personality involves talking about everything that came before now: the things that make me me.

But isn't it a similar kind of thing? I'm trying to justify who I am, by the circumstances that have caused it. If I'm messed up, I'm messed up. No matter what. It may help someone to know how to handle it if they know why I'm like this - but I still am. No excuses, no hiding. I'm off track, and it if hurts my relationships or my work... well knowing about the past doesn't really help does it?

Something to ponder...

Bloody Radio 1

To pass the monotonous hours while working we have the radio on, and because commerical radio gets so annoying with the adverts after the first hour or so (I don't really mind when in the car, but for an 8 hour stint it would be crucifying) and because we're young, we listen to Radio 1. To begin with I just found it a bit weird not knowing what's in the charts at the moment, although I quickly picked it up because (apart from 2 days - yesterday, and the Monday after Download Festival finished) they only play what's in the charts.

Anyway Chris Moyles really annoys me, but he's only on for the first hour of work so we kinda cope with it. But as of yesterday the whole bloody thing annoys me. For two reasons:

1. Despite having a separate celebrity news slot in which they could discuss this at their leisure "Amy Winehouse has a tiny bit of emphysema because she smoked too much crack" took headline billing throughout the day over the top of say "Opposition withdraw from Zimbabwean elections" or "Bodies of British troops killed in Afghanistan flown home". It's ridiculous!
2. The only mention of the three men killed in Afghanistan was when they said that the ceremony for Cpl Sarah Bryant was small, because the three men killed with her had been in special service, and they didn't want the men who carried their coffins to be identified. Jeez how must their families be feeling?

How bloody stupid are they?! This is the BBC - meant to be the heart of moderation and good sense in British Broadcasting. And they think that it will make sufficient difference to their listener stats to be Amy Winehouse top billing.... Man alive.... It scares me that they could be right :-S

"He lets you win pool. In front of his mates."

While staying at my best mate's last week, and while in that lazy just-got-out-of-the-shower-nobody's-at-home-cos-he's-at-work kinda place I started reading a rather tatty water stained magazine that his girlfriend must have left on the floor. Well... flicking through anyway. One of the articles was something like 30 ways to tell he secretly loves you - or similar bollocks. Said reasons included things like

• Letting a girl win a game of pool
• Letting her have the remote for one whole evening
• Wearing a flowery shirt she's given you

Now, call me crazy here, but none of those things smack to me of barely-suppressed ardor. What kind of couple actually care who wins pool (other than in a desperately wanting to beat each other kind of way). And whose mates would actually care if his girlfriend beat him? Most guys I know think it's ace if a girl can play pool - mixed doubles for the win!

Similarly, I don't know about you, but when me and OtherHalf watch the TV it tends to go along the lines of

"Fancy watching the telly?" "Sure what's on?" "Uh.... University Challenge or Midsummer Murders." "Yeah, stick university challenge on then."

Or

"Hey House is on - fancy watching it?" *nod nod*

There are few cases when we don't want to watch the same thing and we generally compromise. I can see the issue here if for instance sports are involved (but then who invites their girlfriend over when the footblal is on?! - and if she's there because she lives there then it's a little worrying if she doesn't already know he "loves" her - especially since the article doesn't seem to be talking about gonna get married and last forever love, but general "I fancy keeping you for a few years" love.) or if a girl wants to watch something... girly... I dunno - sex and the city or something. But if you're relationship is reduced to watching mindless telly that only one of you wants to see, then I don't reckon there's so much love happening anyway...

And as for the flowery shirt. Firstly, who the hell buys their man a flowery shirt. It's not the 80s, and if we assume that women have more taste than men (generally true) then it seems unlikely it'll happen. Most guys really don't care that much, and would probably wear the damn thing at least once or twice just to keep her smiling. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Get the feeling I'm displacing anxiety?

What just happened?

I have a first class degree. In a subject I love. In a subject I'm good at. In a subject I'd happily research for the next big bit of my life. So why the hell are my dreams suddenly collapsing around me?

I made the mistake about being impatient about my ever-absent tutor, and everybody else having their results and just wangled my way to getting them before he got back. Except now I know, and what I know is that they're completely different to how I expected and they're wrong in all the wrong ways.

In the best ways:

• I got 50/50 1sts and IIis
• The moderated-up 2nd year paper has changed by a bigger margin than the moderated down (+4.5 vs -2) so my 2nd year average is now 77.2
• The first horrible exam apparently got moderated so now I've got a 67 - not bad going eh?

Then there's the "should be amazing news, but isn't because of what other people have said"

• My viva got a 78 (would be incredible if they hadn't given me someone else's - a good friend's - results at the same time, and I didn't know she had got 87% - despite knowing that mine was clearer, and better written... she's just good at the arrogant confidence thing and I guess the research was better)
• My extended essay got a 73 (would have been awesome 10 days ago, but thanks to what my tutor said now I feel disapponted - with a 73?!)

The slightly disappointing news: My other finals got 67 67 69 78. The 78 is amazing although in completely the wrong module, but I'm a bit disappointed that both of my essay papers got 67s.

And the soul crushing awful news? My dissertation got a 63. Exactly what I predicted. The only one I accurately predicted. Which sounds fine... one module... not what I want to research... Til you realise that to get a PhD you get viva'd on your research project. And the uni send them your transcript. So not only will they know that I barely scraped a IIi on it - they'll be able to see for themselves and tell me how shit it is. Even if I still had a hope in hell I know full well I'd fall apart as soon as they started to tear it up.

Can't believe I'd screwed this up. Wish I'd waited for Dr T to get back so he could reassure me that all my dreams aren't over. Such an idiot.

Bike rage

This is kind of an odd time to be writing about this since, for the first time in weeks, I've got home with no road rage (bike rage!) at all, but just recently I've found myself getting disproportionately massively angry about everything. I've been hoping that this is down to a sort of adrenaline-building-up-to-results type thing, as it seems to have got worse not better since finals and I really can't cope.

I think I've considered blogging about my bike rage many times, but never actually got around to it so here's the summary.

• I get roughly equally annoyed at pedestrians, drivers and other cyclists, although recently it swings against pedestrians.
• One of the roads I have to go down is completley, unavoidably not pedestrianised and yet people choose to walk in the centre of the road rather than the perfectly servicable footpaths or even say the edges of the road.
• This is exacerbated recently by my bell breaking.
• I get irritated at people crossing roads without so much as looking - seriously, at 20mph I am more than capable of breaking both of our bones. Would you like to tell me what you plan to do if a car turns down this road?
• I get annoyed at drivers who open their door into the cycle lane
• I get annoyed at drivers who think the cycle lane is for overtaking people waiting to turn right
• I get annoyed at bus drivers who edge into the cycle lane and then swing their backs in
• I get annoyed at stupid cyclists doing ridiculous things who give us all bad names

I've always been slightly annoyed. I utter things like moron or idiot under my breath. But nowadays I fume. It's kinda scary actually. Seems to be gradually subsiding at last though!

So...

Well I still don't know about the results for individual papers, although those are due out hopefully by the end of the week. I'm still walking on air a bit really... it's just this big fat dream come true :)

It was kinda nice in a weird way to find my neroticism helping out one of my friends today. Mathmo had her first set of exams, which apparently went horrifically. When she initially told me how many questions she'd answered (on a paper where you do everything) it sounded quite bad too, although I'm less worried now I've sussed that she wrote odds and ends for parts of other questions. But still - after my first (horrific, awful, life destroying) exam I worked out that the difference between getting a 70 on that paper and a 30 (i.e. a pass) when the paper was worth 10% equated to a 4% difference in my degree class. I pointed this out to her today and after a good 30 mins of various people trying to console her that was the point where she finally stopped violently shaking. It's ok hun, if you were on for a 1st before, then right now you've got a 66... You're not gonna get a 2:2, and you are still going to be employable.

It's a little weird just how overprotective of her I felt. I've been saying that the biggest reason I wanted a 1st was because otherwise I'd hold this silent eternal grudge against her for stopping me working. But on the night after my results came in I had a big angry rant at OtherHalf about her, in which I'll admit some of my language was fairly blue. I still don't understand how someone who's meant to be my friend could fuck me over like that.

But when the chips were down... didn't care anymore. Just wanted to make sure she was better. Friendship is a funny thing...