What just happened?

I have a first class degree. In a subject I love. In a subject I'm good at. In a subject I'd happily research for the next big bit of my life. So why the hell are my dreams suddenly collapsing around me?

I made the mistake about being impatient about my ever-absent tutor, and everybody else having their results and just wangled my way to getting them before he got back. Except now I know, and what I know is that they're completely different to how I expected and they're wrong in all the wrong ways.

In the best ways:

• I got 50/50 1sts and IIis
• The moderated-up 2nd year paper has changed by a bigger margin than the moderated down (+4.5 vs -2) so my 2nd year average is now 77.2
• The first horrible exam apparently got moderated so now I've got a 67 - not bad going eh?

Then there's the "should be amazing news, but isn't because of what other people have said"

• My viva got a 78 (would be incredible if they hadn't given me someone else's - a good friend's - results at the same time, and I didn't know she had got 87% - despite knowing that mine was clearer, and better written... she's just good at the arrogant confidence thing and I guess the research was better)
• My extended essay got a 73 (would have been awesome 10 days ago, but thanks to what my tutor said now I feel disapponted - with a 73?!)

The slightly disappointing news: My other finals got 67 67 69 78. The 78 is amazing although in completely the wrong module, but I'm a bit disappointed that both of my essay papers got 67s.

And the soul crushing awful news? My dissertation got a 63. Exactly what I predicted. The only one I accurately predicted. Which sounds fine... one module... not what I want to research... Til you realise that to get a PhD you get viva'd on your research project. And the uni send them your transcript. So not only will they know that I barely scraped a IIi on it - they'll be able to see for themselves and tell me how shit it is. Even if I still had a hope in hell I know full well I'd fall apart as soon as they started to tear it up.

Can't believe I'd screwed this up. Wish I'd waited for Dr T to get back so he could reassure me that all my dreams aren't over. Such an idiot.

Bike rage

This is kind of an odd time to be writing about this since, for the first time in weeks, I've got home with no road rage (bike rage!) at all, but just recently I've found myself getting disproportionately massively angry about everything. I've been hoping that this is down to a sort of adrenaline-building-up-to-results type thing, as it seems to have got worse not better since finals and I really can't cope.

I think I've considered blogging about my bike rage many times, but never actually got around to it so here's the summary.

• I get roughly equally annoyed at pedestrians, drivers and other cyclists, although recently it swings against pedestrians.
• One of the roads I have to go down is completley, unavoidably not pedestrianised and yet people choose to walk in the centre of the road rather than the perfectly servicable footpaths or even say the edges of the road.
• This is exacerbated recently by my bell breaking.
• I get irritated at people crossing roads without so much as looking - seriously, at 20mph I am more than capable of breaking both of our bones. Would you like to tell me what you plan to do if a car turns down this road?
• I get annoyed at drivers who open their door into the cycle lane
• I get annoyed at drivers who think the cycle lane is for overtaking people waiting to turn right
• I get annoyed at bus drivers who edge into the cycle lane and then swing their backs in
• I get annoyed at stupid cyclists doing ridiculous things who give us all bad names

I've always been slightly annoyed. I utter things like moron or idiot under my breath. But nowadays I fume. It's kinda scary actually. Seems to be gradually subsiding at last though!

So...

Well I still don't know about the results for individual papers, although those are due out hopefully by the end of the week. I'm still walking on air a bit really... it's just this big fat dream come true :)

It was kinda nice in a weird way to find my neroticism helping out one of my friends today. Mathmo had her first set of exams, which apparently went horrifically. When she initially told me how many questions she'd answered (on a paper where you do everything) it sounded quite bad too, although I'm less worried now I've sussed that she wrote odds and ends for parts of other questions. But still - after my first (horrific, awful, life destroying) exam I worked out that the difference between getting a 70 on that paper and a 30 (i.e. a pass) when the paper was worth 10% equated to a 4% difference in my degree class. I pointed this out to her today and after a good 30 mins of various people trying to console her that was the point where she finally stopped violently shaking. It's ok hun, if you were on for a 1st before, then right now you've got a 66... You're not gonna get a 2:2, and you are still going to be employable.

It's a little weird just how overprotective of her I felt. I've been saying that the biggest reason I wanted a 1st was because otherwise I'd hold this silent eternal grudge against her for stopping me working. But on the night after my results came in I had a big angry rant at OtherHalf about her, in which I'll admit some of my language was fairly blue. I still don't understand how someone who's meant to be my friend could fuck me over like that.

But when the chips were down... didn't care anymore. Just wanted to make sure she was better. Friendship is a funny thing...

RESULTS!!

I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!! I got a first!!

Still completely walking on air... will give a full recount later... individual paper marks, my overall mark and my rank in the year not out til next week, though.

(Record number of 1sts this year so don't hate me too much!!)

I'M SO PROUD OF ME!!!! :-D

Apparently the results might not be released today. How can they not know?!?!!?!?!??! Am still on tenterhooks....

Gah

I was all fine. I was all happy. I knew I was going to get a 2:1.

And then my tutor, who had to mark the same essay I submitted as a piece of coursework because I'd entered it for a prize, told me that he'd marked it at a 79. A WTF?! Yeah, a 79. Firstly, this is 10% higher than my best case scenario guess - meaning that potentially I'm now capable of 71.2 not 70.2. Additionally it means that my judgement is completely flawed.

Now I don't know what I'm getting. Now I'm hoping again. Fantasising even.

This is not healthy!

A brief update

Apologies for the radio silence - since I got back I've been doing this work I talked about, and rehearsing, and playing in concerts and socialising... Seeing as I don't have internet access where I work (yes, I have an afternoon off) I'm only checking my email once a day - for me this is immense.

Anyhoo... much to write about but very little time, so it will come in installments. However, the department have said that they hope to release our results tomorrow. So watch this space for the incoming 2:1

In other news the weather today (and the last couple of days, but mainly today) has been weird. As I was cycling to work I came through the city, and there's this big gothic church. Behind me was broad sunshine, but I was cycling west into the big grey and purple thunder clouds. The effect was that the church was lit up in the front, but backed by swirling dark mist. It was quite epic - no artist would dare to paint that and call it realistic.

Anyway, as mentioned, installments to come!