... And then I remembered how tired I was; how overworked I felt; how much
more there was to go. So, finally, I let the facade drop: let him realise who I
really was. Mousy-haired, drawn with weariness, not as stacked as they thought,
no longer fighting to retain enthusiasm and zest fro life: just be one of
them.

"I want friends," I whispered. "I haven't got anybody else."

I found the above scribbled on my notes from about the same time as I had my last episode. About a week before I think. Really describes how I feel right now...

Let it rain

Sometimes you just have to let it rain down
Stand under the cloud and let it pour down
Wash away the fears and the pain
Let it rain down on me
Sometimes you need a breath of release
Sometimes you need to be washed clean
Take away the hurt and the craving inside
Restart it from the beginning

Well I got my mock exams back - low 2i in one and high 2ii on the other. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but not much worse than I'd expected. Guess that dream really is slipping away.

I'm applying for a job - more teaching stuff. I was planning on getting away from this city, but London looks out of reach right now and going home is just not an option. A year of arguments with my sister and a broom closet for a bedroom? I think not.

In other news my brake cable snapped - naturally AS I was braking. Bike is a bit mullered which means I'm now on foot but at least it's easily mendable and I'm not too hurt. A friend got completely floored on her bike yesterday (by another cyclist rather than a car this time - seems to happen to her a lot) and her bike is totally screwed...

Moving in slow motion

You know when you have those days? The ones where it just all hits you. How much there is to do. How little time. And you don't freak out as such. You just... you find yourself in a toilet cubicle. Just sat there. Nothing left to do in there, but not quite ready to leave yet. Just sitting. Pausing. Thinking.

Thinking about how much work there is left to do.
Thinking about how your exams start in less than 4 weeks and you've not even finished going through lectures for the first time.
Thinking that you've missed several days at the gym in a row, because there's too much to do.
Thinking about all the coaching plans you need to write.
Thinking about all the rehearsals you've got to go to.
Thinking about all that extra stuff that's sneaking itself into your day. Revision classes. Extra lectures.

It's all a bit too much. And it just feels like you're moving through gel. Everybody else around you is panicking, and you just can't move. You're forced to sit there and endure it. Worse than panicking in a way.

Something extraordinary

Yesterday I saw a man with one leg and a fire engine blues-and-twosing. Neither of these are things I commonly see and both made me go say-what-now?! Just thought I'd share....

Have to say I'm getting a bit frustrated with coaching at the moment. I called a really early session this morning so we could do some decent work to make up for missing a session and ended up finishing at about half past 7 because they were all so knackered there was no point anymore. And they reckon they don't need to do fitness training.....

That's the way...

Today has been a bit of an epic day
Two people have cried on me
Two of my breaks have overrun (one because somebody was crying on me)
I have done circuits for the first time in ages (primarily so I could talk to the people who were attending circuits afterwards - but oh my wow does it feel good to do that many squats again...)
I am now sleepy, and my legs ache (note to self: just because you're showing people how to do the stretches you've missed out doesn't mean you should just do them for 2 or 3 seconds til they get the idea cos oh yeh it hurts when you don't do them properly - that's why you're showing them!!)
I have bought an excessive amount of food
And then just the small issue of my first exam...

Ah well - just the life of a finalist I guess.

Random habits of mine

I'm discovering that the more stressed I get, the more random habits I develop. Not that I didn't have plenty to begin with:

• I never get into the shower and then turn it on - I only ever step into running water.
• When I switch pens, I don't put the pen I'm writing with down, I hold it between my teeth.
• I cannot stand to have one hand wet or greasy or slimy and not the other. Not that that's usually a problem, but it does happen!
• Currently when I sleep, I do so with my arms between my legs, crossed, so that each palm pushes against the opposite thigh. I'm also completely unable to sleep without some kind of pressure (duvet is best!)