I think the word you're looking for is "thank-you".

For the last 2 or 3 weeks, this has been my constant mantra.

I think the word that you're looking for is "thank-you".

Not aloud, obviously. But all the time I notice it. The people I hold doors open for, or step off the pavement to allow past, or do some crazy manoeuvre on my bike to avoid. The lack of basic manners in the British public is really starting to annoy me. It especially annoys me around the department and the university, when it's fellows and members of teaching staff. I'm aware that being an academic doesn't mean that you automatically sprout a tumour that gives you good manners: but you'd think that some of the smartest minds in the world could have a bit of common courtesy.

It also means that when somebody does say thank-you, or sorry, or tells me to have a nice day that it comes as a bit of a shock, and may leave me smiling for up to an hour. Odd that.

Let the ground swallow me up...

Seriously.

Please...

No?

Excuses for not blogging over the last 11 days (:O):

• Being horribly horribly since last Sunday
• Having most-of-a-week of racing
• Having to hand in my dissertation

Trying to combine all three of those things was not fun. I'm not gonna try filling in details, as I'll just not blog for several months and uh that'd be a bit pointless.

Valentines Day was actually really nice - quiet night in with OtherHalf who cooked an awesome dinner for me and made me feel really rather lucky and smug :)

Dissertation was handed in 19 hours before the deadline - not quite the week-early I'd envisaged but then I had a whole lot of shit from people who'd asked to proofread and then didn't give me feedback until right before the deadline. Totally messed with my head, and was really not needed. Especially when I was running a temperature something crazy and so unbelievably stressed.

Racing went pretty well actually - gave it my all - just kept saying THIS IS THE LAST COMPETITION and it got me through even when I could hardly see straight. Kinda regretting it now I'm trying to recover from several days' hard competition and absolutely mauling my body but meh... Muscles hurt that I have no idea how to stretch. Like, your thighs hurt and you hold your leg up, hips forward. Or your groin hurts and you straddle and go to one side. But how do you stretch your left forearm? Or the point where your bicep attaches in your elbow? I'm seriously considering asking one of the henched guys at the gym....

And NOW I'm just panicking about my really-really-not-going-well Extended Essay. But enough about that another time.

I'm walking on sunshine... woah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyfPzg-Fv8k

Well today is just turning out to be an awesome day - which is impressive seeing as yesterday was monumentally shit. But enough of that - today is a GOOD DAY!

Oh and Happy Valentines Everyone! I'll be seeing OtherHalf tonight - but I got a really sweet card this morning which has had be grinning all day.

I got my final draft back and it's FINE! I've got to do a little bit of editing here and there but I should have it in in plenty of time, no stress, which has made my day slightly. But also - height of amazing - a guy who tutors me told me today that I have "natural flair" and asked if I'd like an additional reference to apply for further study. (Obviously this is a big deal anyway because it means he thinks I'm good - but general you just have one academic reference from your main tutor unless somebody wants to say really awesome things about you). That has made me feel SO good!!

So, all together now:

I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me your coming around

I'm walking on sunshine, woah
I'm walking on sunshine, woah
I'm walking on sunshine, woah
and don't it feel good!!

Brrrr

Well the weather has finally realised it's February and frozen right up. We still have beautiful sunshine, so I'm still enjoying being outside, but really beginning to wish that the last time I was home (staying with OtherHalf last night) I'd picked up some decent jeans - rather than these cut off ones. I don't feel the cold too much really: especially not on my legs, but there's a chill wind a blowing and it's a bit frizz! I might be coaching this afternoon so may have to go home and get some more clothes, as if I'm standing around out there it's gonna get coooold!

Silent Apology

I am sorry that I was angry.
I am sorry that I thought of you as selfish.
I am sorry that you thought you were being neglectful.
I am sorry that I didn't explain well enough.
I am sorry that I never give you space.
I am sorry that I want to touch you so badly.
I am sorry that you thought I meant you were lazy.
I am sorry that you will never feel what I feel.
I am sorry that I made you sad.

Freak out, let it go

I'm really beginning to get a little worried... My deadline is the 22nd. Today is the 12th. That gives me 10 days to proof read, edit, get people from my course to proof-read (and hence tell me if it will make sense to the external examiner who isn't a specialist), rewrite, bind and submit. And realistically, since I'm racing next week I want to have it bound and ready by Monday. I NEED MY DRAFT BACK!!!

I need to let this go. I need to calm down and say I've been working on this for 9 months, and I know it's good enough. I need to remember how many less-than-perfect dissertations I've read in the department library that still got good enough marks. I need to remember that overall this year I only need to average 56 to get a 2:1 (yey for second year exams) and that I am more than capable of achieving that.

I need to breathe

Misunderstandings Part 2: The Power of Prayer

"Prayer doesn't work. Try praying for a red sports car. Go on. See? Nothing happened. God doesn't exist."

The above is (loosely, because I can't find the website) taken from a page I stumbled upon with several hundred reasons why God doesn't exist. This was one of the first - I didn't get very far before finding it rather tedious and moving on. I actually rather enjoy a good debate with an atheist who has a well thought out point of view, and can actually see some of the discrepancies and troubles that the Church has. But militant atheism based on nothing more than blind faith (ironically) that sets up straw men and knocks them down just ticks me off.

So here we go: my best attempt at explaining a few things about the power of prayer.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, the above writer appears to have confused wishing with praying. Go ask your parents for $100. Or some crack. Or maybe just a really big ninja sword? Do you think they will say yes? I doubt it somehow. Go ask them for some help with your homework, or to teach you how to be patient, or ask them for a lift to the old people's home so you can go visit and cheer them up a bit. Far more likely to say yes right?

God answers our prayers, all the time: and not just the little one. At the start of this year a fresher reminded me I needed to pray big! God will often answer our genuine heartfelt prayers even when they seem impossible. But the point is that the prayers should be in line with his plan. Ask Him to be hot, or for money, or power... chances are you're not going to get anywhere. Ask Him for humility; for peace and tranquility; for the patience to persevere; for strength in your struggle against the devil... these are prayers that He will answer.

Secondly people often come to God with lots of requests. They don't realise that prayer is not a one way thing. We can't say GOD HELP ME!!! And then run away. When we come to God it should be with a humble and contrite heart.

God, I am lost, and without you I can't carry on. Show me how to.

And then we wait, and watch and listen. And sometimes you don't know the answer has come, but sometimes it's like a lightning bolt. Those are the days when you don't need faith - it's just so obvious that there's no jump in the darkness.

Thirdly many people, and often they're the people who need God most, don't understand why prayers for a relative to get better, or somebody to love them back, or the bad things to stop happening aren't answered. Graduate gave me a wonderful metaphor for that. Sometimes you see a piece of tapestry - and all the threads are crossed and it looks like a big mess. Turn it over and you see the pattern. God can see the big picture: we just get the tiny stitches that make no sense. We have to trust that we're in His hands, and that sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way we expect.