One little slip

You know what terrifies me most? Just missing the first. Getting a 69. Even a 68 would be pushing it. If I get a 2i (which I probably will now) I want a 67 or lower. Or the first. The first would be good.

My team didn't qualify. And now every one of them is thinking: was it me that screwed it up? Was there anything more I could have done?

I don't want to stop in my tracks on June 15th and think:
What if I didn't do sport?
What if I didn't coach?
What if I hadn't sang in that concert?
What if I hadn't listened to Mathmo?
What if I hadn't spent so much time with OtherHalf?

I don't want those what ifs. Either I'm a first class candidate, or I'm not. I don't want there to be a What if.

Don't go

I used to have a big problem with my ex, who never wanted me to leave; never wanted me to go; could never accept that I had to go work. It was one of the big things that drove us apart: I just couldn’t cope feeling so guilty all the time, and it just never seemed to be understood that no I couldn’t skip lectures and yes I did need those spare 2 hours before them to finish my essay.

OtherHalf has never suffered from this problem. Other than the odd early Saturday morning when I’d rather get up than work late. Why this would suddenly become a problem days before my finals is beyond me. Somehow spent hours there last night when I should have been working. Gah!!

3 days
Up at 6am to be in library at 7am
Go home at 9pm to be in bed by 10pm
30 mins for breakfast and tea, an hour for lunch.
= 3 x (21-7-1-0.5-0.5)
= 3 x 12
= 36

36 hours
- 3 hours for a play I really want to see
- 2 hours for a rehearsal and concert
- 3 hours for qualifiers on Friday

On Sunday I can work 8-11 and then maybe 3-5 before evensong
I might at a push squeeze in 8-10 too

Max = 36 hours - 8 + 3 + 2 + 2
= .... still 36 hours

So... so... sooooooooooo screwed.

More random habits

• I draw ampersands (&s) backwards - I worked out how to do it aged 6 (slightly wrong) and have never taught myself to do it right again (I can at a push, I just can't be bothered to do it slowly and force myself)
• I tug on my ears in times of stress
• I use the word "epic" far far too much
• I always put the ? in an emphatic question first (e.g. You did WHAT?!)
• I blow all my food... even ice cream.

Never take bad advice

I've found myself recently getting annoyed at one of my friends Mathmo.

For the past 2 months or so I've been constantly berated for working past 7 on any day.

As a result, I've consistently not worked in the evenings, despite knowing that really I should. Not because I've been given an excuse not to, but because I just can't put up with the constant telling me I'm wrong and general superiority.

More and more it's occurred to me that really I should've just done what I wanted - not least now that I've discovered she's been starting work 2 hours before me. And her exams are a month later than mine.

First day of school

I feel like a worried parent before the first day of school. Will they be ok? Will they know where to go? Will they remember everything I've told them?

The girls I'm coaching have qualifiers on Friday. I really hope they get in. They can, and if they do everything we've talked about then they will. But equally if something goes wrong, 0r if someone has a bad day, then we're on a fairly slippery slope as to whether or not they make it through.

I have far bigger, more important things to worry about right now. Like the fact that I've done no practice essay plans yet, and I haven't got time to go through everything one last time: but every time I think about it I get butterflies. And I just want to do one last training session. One last pep talk. But there's no time. They're on their own now.

Take one brick out and the rest tumble down

I had a bit of a rubbish morning this morning. Competing in a sport that wasn't mine. Just a friendly. Just to make up a team. And making a total lash of it.

It's not so much the fact that I did so badly... it's the fact that I know I can do it well, and have done in the past, and was doing so in practice. And then I didn't just do badly: I crashed and burned.

And the fact that I'd taken 2 hours out this morning, and another 2 for a practice earlier in the week - just to make myself look like a total loser.

And then the worst was the reactions of everyone else. My team were ok: they knew I'd just had a bad day, and they didn't really blame me. Or at least pretended not to. It doesn't really matter. But all the good people, the coaches and judges etc just looked at me in this really pitying way that made me feel so much worse. I just felt like saying if you'd done your job and ever watched me before then you'd know I can do this... But you didn't. And now... now I guess I collapse under nerves.

Such a waste.